A community of 30,000 US Transcriptionist serving Medical Transcription Industry
Am I overreacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2011
We are friends with a couple that lives in the same complex as us. We used to do things as couples, but sometimes us girls will go out (the guys don’t really get along with each other). She has been calling my house when I am not at home almost on a daily basis, asking if she can borrow this or borrow that, and then she will come over and stay for a while and hang out with my boyfriend. It makes me uncomfortable since I am at work, and I have told my boyfriend how I feel about this before. He reassures me that he doesn’t see her like that at all, and that he loves me, but I still feel weird about it. Well, yesterday I stayed home from work and she called and was surprised that I answered the phone – Umm, I live here – and had some weird excuse of why she called – she wanted him to babysit while she went downstairs to take out her garbage. Okay, I am no rocket scientist, but would it really make her the worst parent of the world if she were to put her baby in their crib for the one minute it would take her to bring out the garbage? Today, I called home from work and she was over there again – she had wanted to borrow milk. I reminded him that it makes me feel uncomfortable when she is over there by herself with him – not that I don’t trust him, it is her that I don’t really know too well – and he said okay. The conversation was really one-sided and it made me feel weird. Like he was too busy hanging out with her to talk to me for a minute, so I told him I would just call him back later. I called him back half an hour later and she was still there, watching TV with my spouse! The thing is, when she comes over and I am at home, she will go on and on about how bad her boyfriend is and will talk him down constantly, is constantly breaking up with him and getting back together with her boyfriend and she has told me before that she thinks my boyfriend is hot. She will come over sometimes, wearing clothes that make me embarrassed for her, cleavage hanging out – and it just makes me feel uncomfortable to know that she is alone with my boyfriend, calling him on a daily basis to borrow this or borrow that or to ask him to do this or do that – she has a boyfriend!
And shouldn’t he respect that I feel that way?
Or am I just overreacting?
;
Nope. - exasperated
[ In Reply To ..]Get rid of them both as neither are showing respect for you either as a friend or as a significan other.
Show Respect for Yourself - Old Person
[ In Reply To ..]So, you are living with your boyfriend by the sound of it. Nobody is showing you respect, because you obviously have no self-respect. No self-respecting woman would live with a guy without a marriage commitment. Sorry, living under the same roof, saying "I love you, blah, blah, blah" means diddly.
You are both free to do as you choose, and it looks like he is.
To Old Person: I have been living with my - S/O for almost 20 years SM
[ In Reply To ..]without a marriage commitment (for various reasons which I will not go into here). He is now in his 60s and I am about to turn 60. I think you paint too broad a brush with your statement about self respect. JMO
sounds like a prize package - tynkerbelle
[ In Reply To ..]nm
Tynkerbelle: I can't tell if your post is - insulting my SM
[ In Reply To ..]relationship or not. :)
I'd say insulting given FWB comment below n/m - sereneone
[ In Reply To ..]n/m,
Twenty Years Means Nothing - Old Person
[ In Reply To ..]Twenty years means nothing to him, obviously. See? Nobody is committed to anybody here, no matter what the reason here is for not marrying.
I feel for you, but you are playing a victim, but yet you put yourself into the situation with not requiring a commitment.
are you serious? -
[ In Reply To ..]Yes, I do live with my boyfriend and I find it offensive that you feel I have no self respect because we aren't married. We are planning on getting married one day but just because I don't have a piece of paper that says I am married to him doesnt mean we arent as committed to each other as we would be if we had a piece of paper.
Sorry, Charlie - Old Person
[ In Reply To ..]Nobody is committed to anyone through just words, sorry.
No. He should respect you enough to tell - sm
[ In Reply To ..]her she cannot come over to the house. While you trust him, things have a way of getting out of control if she is constantly there half-dressed, crying about her BF, etc. I would put my foot down and tell him you don't want her there. If he won't, then you have the choices of putting up with it until something does happen, telling her not to come over, or kicking him to the curb.
not at all - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Sometimes guys don't know how to say things, so I would give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt on that one.
That said, I would level this chic for this nonsense. Talk to her yourself. She knows exactly what she is doing.
Just say something like: Look, I don't appreciate you calling my BF or being at my house when i'm not there, so cut the crap.
Or...the next time you call your home and she is there, ask your BF to put HER on the phone. Go ahead and tell her it's time to go home now, and let her know you won't tolerate it in the future.
And don't hang out with her anymore!
This one has my vote - AARPMom
[ In Reply To ..]Except that I wouldn't let your bf completely off the hook. Wondering why he is sitting around watching TV while you are at work? Maybe he works a different shift. If he doesn't work at all, then, hmm..wondering what he brings to the table that you can't live without.
no - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I dont see the situation as sticky as it may seem. He knows you are not home, she knows you are not home, yet they both are willing to spend time with each other even if the intent is "harmless"...plus u said she has a kid/baby....not surprised. But really, you are stronger than this. No body deserves to be treated like this (male or female). If he was a good boyfriend, he would not need the company of another female in his life, esp. to this extent. Just tell him you need a change and that you need someone who is as committed to a relationship as you and that you don't feel youre at the same level on that...thats of course the nice way of saying it.
Absolutely not! - sm
[ In Reply To ..]However, I would start with the skank and tell her to keep her and her clevage away from my man! And if he doesn't have the stones to tell her, then I'd kick him to the curb toot sweet!
I was in a similar situation when I was married - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Except I was the stay-at-home spouse and I had a good-looking male neighbor coming over to visit and hang out with me while my husband was at work.
The neighbor was off work after a shoulder surgery and it started out innocently enough ... we were all friends too ... my husband trusted me. But he shouldn't have.
The friendly neighbor and I took it to more-than-friends ... for almost a year.
You say you trust your boyfriend (but also called him your spouse)? You shouldn't. I would bet ten dollars they are screwing around behind your back.
You need to trust your gut that is telling you something is up here, and as much as you would like to be all on her, it is not. He is a willing participant, and your beef needs to be with him first.
Sounds crazy but - you wanna find out
[ In Reply To ..]Get a nanny cam and put it up when he is not around. When a man and a woman start hanging out on a regular basis as just "friends" 99% of the time it is either leading to or otherwise is more than just a friendship. After you view the nanny cam, save the information and put the nanny cam away somewhere he won't find it. Then come home from work unannounced some day,park down the street and if you can come in the door without being heard(say you have a headache or an upset stomach). Chances are you will catch them in the act. Can you tell I have been through this before? If you don't find anything on the nanny cam then confront him and tell him you don't want her in your house anymore, she can sit at home with her cleavage hanging out watching her own TV. Tell him the gig is up, either he refuses to answer the door and let her in or show him the door.
Both of them are being disrespectful to you in your own house and you need to put your foot down and believe this she is just hanging out watching TV story.
Tell him to go get a job....since he eitiher does not - sm - ITKMT
[ In Reply To ..]have one or works the night shift. The camera idea is great. I would take a few sick days sporadically and when she calls tell her the store is closed and to go get her own milk, sugar, onion, etc. at the store. She definitely has an ulterior motive in seducing your BF if she has not already. From the sounds of it she had not succeeded as yet but if they ever decide to drink during the day it will happen easily. I had a similar situation years ago, knew this girl (a senior...we were sophomores) had the hots for my BF (we were in college). I came over to visit him at his apartment one night, she was there which was an utter surprise to me. I had to leave as I had a project I had to finish and was due the next morning so I did not stay long, I knew I was taking a gamble but I had work to do so left. They proceeded to get high/drunk and jumped into bed together. I went back over after class in the morning and he was miserable, confessed on the spot. We did not break up then but it had killed our almost 2 year relationship and we broke up 4 months later. I wonder sometimes what would have happened but we did have a chance about 5 years later of rekindling but neither of us took it up (he was newly divorced from my best friend at college...yeah cheated on me then we broke up then he went out and dated my best friend and married her right after graduation after dating a year... real winner there so guess I dodged a bullet)---- but it is quite obvious when another girl is after your guy and this woman definitely is trying to land him. I am sure he is flattered, nothing says ego booster than one girl chasing you and your GF jealous as well, especially if he is unemployed, makes him feel more worthy for sure. If you are the only one bringing home the bacon I am sure he has some resentment unless he is just a lazy mooch and does not want to work, then let the other girl have him.....good luck.
if not married you are a FWB - tynkerbelle
[ In Reply To ..]if you are not married you are FWB. what to complain about? this is why people don't get married in the first place. NO COMMITTMENT.
what does FWB mean? - NM
[ In Reply To ..]x
Friends with benefits n/m - sereneone
[ In Reply To ..]n/m
re: Tynkerb - NancyB
[ In Reply To ..]What makes your relationship or any "marriage" any better or more committed than my living arrangements? It's still a marriage in the eyes of the law, common law. I've been with my man and call him my husband for 30 years now. I am his wife. We've been together longer than many of our friends that have been married, divorced and remarried.
If we separated by the way, we'd have to go through a court, same as a divorce because all of our properties are jointly owned, our accounts are in both names and so is our money. Sound familiar? Oh yeah, IT'S A MARRIAGE! A contractual living arrangement.
Why are you so flippant and so easy to dismiss couples that chose not to conform to societies, or YOUR expectations of what a marriage is or should be?
It's none of yours or any one elses business why a couple chose not to get that piece of paper.
I am not a cow! I will not take another family name. I will keep my family name and have my man stand beside me as an equal, which he has. I don't care that people like you feel they need to spout off about lack of committment on our part.
When a mature loving couple decide to cohabitate, either marry or not, they need to have the "we're in it for life" talk either way, right? We did that. You probably did too. So, what's the difference?
Much of marriage is still seeped in antiquated ideologies. If you believe so strongly in the idea of marriage being legal than more power to you, but don't tell me and others that were nothing more than FWB.
Infidelity occurs because one person loses respect for another and has an opportunity to take that risk. It has nothing to do with papers. The cheaters DON'T CARE.
What a shallow, narrow minded, self-righteous, STUPID thing to say.
Don't bother to answer. I won't argue with your ignorance. I have had it with statements like this, had my say and don't feel a need to defend myself further.
re: NancyB - AngelEyes
[ In Reply To ..]B-R-A-V-A!!!! Well said Nancy! I agree. It's not anyones business and therefore Tynkerbelle; ZIP IT!
If I was the OP, I'd confront both of them together, but it's not going to stop anyting, just let them know you're onto their shennanigans, and I'd bet all the cookies in the jar there are shennanigans going on...
Like Nancy says, infidelity happens because respect is lost and opportunity presented itself. They aren't thinking of consequences, only to satisfy a need in the moment. Low life man, low life woman, no relection on OP.
I don't care how you live or what you do, but I do... - Kendra
[ In Reply To ..]resent you saying that taking my husband's name makes me a cow. What bigger, more important, gift could he give me than his name? I understand that you feel angry and looked down upon by earlier remarks, but didn't you just look down on others?
re: Kendra - wendysue
[ In Reply To ..]I think it tied into her "marriage seeped in antiquated ideology" statement, when women were given along with cows and sheep as property. I think that's what they meant. I don't think she was actually calling us "cows". that what I got out of it anyway. I respect her passionate defense of her marriage, unconventional sure, but a marriage just the same.
I think she just wanted to make a point. Taking another name is a personal choice. My friend (a woman) kept her family name because there were no male siblings and once her dad passed, she was the only female sibling (4 others) to keep their name. Even though she was married (conventional marriage) she kept her name. She gave her own son the family name too. It was a deeply personal and sentimental decision. Her husband is totally fine with it too, even with their son having the name. His legal name is hyphenated.
I am well aware of what she was referring to and... - Kendra
[ In Reply To ..]I found it offensive. She is angry that someone disagrees with her choices and would say anything negative about them, yet she feels it is okay to equate me with a cow because I made a different choice than she did. I still find it offensive. Saying that she is not a cow, thus implying that I am, is not okay, regardless of whether or not it was a Freudian slip.
re: Kendra - qp
[ In Reply To ..]I don't get that out of it either. I think you're taking it way too personally. What's Freudian about it? Sometimes people are misinterpreted in their defenses. I didn't take my husabnd's name either. I don't like that old idea either. I am not a cow. you are not a cow. okay. I get what she said and don't feel an insult at all. lets all get back to work. :/
I totally resent that remark. My guy and I have - s
[ In Reply To ..]been together 11 years and we are certainly more than "friends with benefits." Being in our 50s, what is the reason to get married. As we say, the only difference in us now and being married is we don't have the same last name and our bank accounts are separate. Other than that, we are "married."
I am the poster that Tynkerbelle apparently - insulted above SM
[ In Reply To ..]and I actually feel more commitment in this kind of relationship. Think of all the married people who stay together for reasons other than love and committment, i.e., religious reasons, family pressure, not wanting to deal with child support, etc. I truly think it all depends on the individual involved and their moral compass. My S/O and I have no financial ties; however, if for some reason he did not want to be with me anymore, he would continue to support this household and me, no doubt about it. I know this because I know HIM, how he thinks, feels, and views the world. He would never abandon me. That piece of paper from the state does not a better person make, Tynkerbelle.
Very nice, I do know that if I were to become either -sm - ITKMT
[ In Reply To ..]divorced or widowed (whichever happens first, unless I die first but he is 7 years older though so odds are he will go first), I will probably never remarry. I have no problem with being alone and doing things on my own. If after I am widowed (in theory) and I find someone to share my life with we will either maintain two homes or live together no marriage. Several reasons as I will enjoy not being legally tied down, also with where I live my DHs SS check will be more than any guys around here probably and if I remarry I believe I would lose that and go back to my much lower rated SS benefits, though not sure about that, and also their children won't have to worry about me inheriting their dad's money if we keep it all separate unless he specifically wills it to me, that is a big issue that freaks family's out...I know from personal experience. I never want to be that person who others think married their dad for his money or house.
I need a FWB - the perks without the pia
[ In Reply To ..]Get it and go.
Similar Messages:
Am I Overreacting?Mar 22, 2011
I need objective opinions here. I am so angry at my husband right now I can't see straight. We have two motorcycles and really enjoy riding on the weekends. This past Sunday I had to work, so he rode with his brother and brother's friend (she was on the back of the brother's bike). No problem there, but last night he remembered to inform me, in case I heard it from somebody else, that the friend's butt got sore from riding on the brother's rattlet ...
Overreacting Or Doesn't Give A Damn?Dec 31, 2011
I apologize for the length but I need to give a bit of background first. My brother-in-law, we'll call him Jack (as in ASS) for this story, is in the process of getting a divorce. She's all moved out and living with her new victim and he's moved his next thing in. When, we'll call her Goldie, and he were dating he brought her over a few times, asked what we all thought. I was young and silly then and thought he actually wanted my opinion so I gave it. ...