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Stimulus Package Projected To Save The Lives of At - Least 85,000 Government Programs

Posted: Apr 1st, 2020 - 12:45 pm In Reply to: Paying people who are not working is not the same thing - as preserving the economy.

SATIRE

WASHINGTON, D.C.—America's heroic lawmakers have managed to come together and pass a stimulus package to save the world from the effects of the coronavirus. A grateful country full of very stimulated Americans is applauding the lifesaving efforts of Congress. Already, experts are predicting the stimulus package will save the lives of at least 85,000 government programs. Sources say that with a little congressional money laundering, that figure could even double.

"We believe that every government program's life is infinitely precious and is made in the image of its lobbyist," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "We know that if spending two trillion dollars saves the life of at least one beautiful and valuable government program, it is worth it." Scores of grateful government program directors are writing heartfelt letters of gratitude to the lawmakers who saved their lives. "We were hanging on for dear life!" said officials from the Transgender Honeybadger Diabetes Research Foundation. "After receiving this 28 million dollar grant, we can continue operating for at least 3 more weeks!"

Some other programs and studies that are being saved include the following:

The End Violence Against Earthworms Foundation
Mothers Against Kombucha
Mothers For Kombucha
Research into creating left-handed forks
$100 million for Charlie's Angels 2: You'd Better Watch This One or We Will Call You Sexist a Second Time
Research into recaffeinating decaffeinated coffee beans
The Foundation for Preserving Foundations Foundation
Thanks to the leadership of Washington, Americans everywhere are learning to appreciate the infinite worth of every lawmaker's pet project. Experts believe this may mean a greater cultural shift toward a country that deeply respects life (of government programs.)

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Denmark measure will actually preserve - Their economy (Views: 465, 2020-04-01, 7:03 am)
- It’s ok—they all know Angela Merkel will volunteer to - pay the bill in the end and give (Views: 208, 2020-04-01, 7:11 am)
  - The “Stockholm Syndrome Virus” has almost fully - infected the indigenous population (Views: 165, 2020-04-01, 9:02 am)
- You comments are aimed at class warfare and not in the - posted article. Many of those (Views: 214, 2020-04-01, 7:29 am)
  - Since our huge unfunded Social Security and Medicare - liabilities will also come due over the (Views: 124, 2020-04-02, 5:13 am)
- Without a doubt, I believe that Americans have been obtuse - have been obtuse for 200 years, (Views: 226, 2020-04-01, 7:31 am)
- They are closing their border so maybe their Muslim - gang crime will slow down. (Views: 193, 2020-04-01, 7:42 am)
- The problem with these companies paying the other - 25% is that they might go bankrupt (Views: 135, 2020-04-01, 7:46 am)
- Paying people who are not working is not the same thing - as preserving the economy. (Views: 137, 2020-04-01, 7:49 am)
  - Stimulus Package Projected To Save The Lives of At - Least 85,000 Government Programs
- Not for long. They WILL NOT HAVE AN ECONOMY - if this keeps up. (Views: 128, 2020-04-01, 12:43 pm)
- If they tax their medical equipment like we do because - of Obamacare which drives up cost, (Views: 110, 2020-04-01, 5:33 pm)
  - That's why some companies went to China and Mexico - because of the medical device (Views: 116, 2020-04-02, 1:47 pm)
- Don't worry, all those companies will shut down when - there's no profit margin. (Views: 116, 2020-04-01, 5:49 pm)