Overwhelmed - anonymous Posted: Sep 22nd, 2018 - 7:39 pm
Do you ever just feel overwhelmed with your emotions? I know I am blessed to have what a need, not what I want, but what I need. I am blessed with my health, not full of energy and tip top health, but I am healthy. Yet, I am not happy. I feel guilty because in the scheme of things I should not be depressed, but we all know depression does not work that way, especially when you have a partner who seems so heartless, but you love him.
Yesterday was my 21st anniversary of being married. He did not bother to come home early from work and take me to eat or anything really. He sent me a happy anniversary on facebook but never acknowledged it other than that. I have had depression since I was a teenager and before he ever came along. I don't even have to have a reason to be depressed. It just pops in from time to time, never really going completely away.
There are so many things I want and I"ve never been able to have a career to speak of because of my depression and anxiety. It can get bad enough that I will not even be able to get out the bed. That is why medical transcription has been my way of making a little money. I did manage to go to college and get an associate's degree in Healthcare Information Technology. I just don't have the ability to use it because I am not motivated to work outside the home, and if I did, I would just lose my job when another round of awful depression hit. It may be a few years in between episodes, but when it comes, I just shut down. I am depressed right now, but it is not a severe episode. It's a bad episode but not the most severe.
I set myself up for disappointment over and over. I say I won't, but I do. Expectations lead to disappointment. I sometimes expect my husband to give me the things I want, and I am disappointed when he doesn't. If I do not make enough money to buy something then I should not complain if I do not get it. That is what I try to tell myself, and I STILL get disappointed when I do not get what it is I want. See, we have been looking for homes. I will be satisifed with most anything. I, however, did not want to live in a golf cart community. What that is, is this little island like on the water and you cannot even get to it from your car. You have to ride your golf cart over a little bridge into the community. Now I am not keen on having to drive a golf cart to my home and not even being able to have my vehicle there. It's just odd. Some may say oh it's probably fun. Or it is a beautiful place. I just can't imagine not being able to have my car at my home. And in winter I do not want to be riding a golf cart to my car to then get in my car and go somewhere. I don't want to have to load groceries from my car into a golf cart and then unload them from the golf cart at home, which is up off the ground a flight of stairs because it has to be in case the water rises. It just seems crazy to me. Of course, some people love the water. It's on a canal or something? I have never liked large areas of water. I cannot swim. It really isn't my cup of tea; however, if he is doing the buying, he says I may not have that choice. He buys; he gets what he wants. Unfortunately, I can't afford a home so I have to do whatever. You know medical transcriptionists do not make a killing right? Of course you do !
I have a passion for dogs. I have one inside and 3 outside. One outside was abandoned so I take care of her and love her. She had some puppies three months ago and there are two left which I wasn't able to find homes for, but I love them sooo much. I am taking their mama to be spayed next week so she will not have any more puppies. But these little adorable half lab pups are so sweet and so funny and playful. They make me smile and I love going out and playing with them. Last week, they wondered off and got lost and I was devastated, bawling my eyes out. They found their way home the next day. I opened my front door and there they were on my porch. While they were lost my husband told me when I did find them to find them homes. He said I was not keeping them. I told him to kiss my ***. I was not a child and did not need him to tell me what I could and could not do. He tried to argue me down that no I would NOT keep them. I did not back down though. When it comes to my dogs or my son, I don't back down. I will actually get ugly if I have to. Well he did not like that. I hate to be bossed like a child. And I really hate for someone to tell me to get rid of my dogs. Anything that is being done to our home I will say what I like or I want and that is an automatic no. It's like if I like something or want it then it definitely cannot be.
I don't know what my point is here. I just needed to get this off my chest. When I write what is bothering me, it helps me to get it out.
Does anyone have a husband who thinks they are your parent? It is maddening.
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- Overwhelmed - anonymous (Views: 318, 2018-09-22, 7:39 pm)
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