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In need of prayers

Posted: Jul 14, 2013

Please support me in prayer, as I feel I am losing the strength and the will to fight much longer. I have been a life-long victiim of abuse from two family members. One has since died. It is not sexual or physical abuse.

I am alone and have no children. I know if I eliminiate all contact with the person who continues to abuse me, I will lose much of my family. In the past five weeks I have had many critical situations in my life to deal with, and I just want peace once and for all. I am not thinking of suicide, but feel the life I am living being a constant victim of abuse is no longer tolerable. I have a few good friends to talk with about the situation, and who have known the details for many years, but I am thinking of going to a professional very soon for support. Thank you.

;

Counseling will help - beenthere

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm so glad I popped on to MT Stars because I've just read your post. First thing to do is to find a good counselor with a good reputation. Word of mouth from friends is a good bet. Next thing is to get involved in groups with people who have things in common with you. Some ideas include church, hobbies, movies, music, book clubs, etc. You're not losing strength, I don't think. You're just really really lonely. I've been there, and I know how it feels. And the people in your family have NOT been good to you. Call your local county mental health clinic and ask for an appointment. They will probably be free or income-based. You do NOT deserve to be abused by ANYONE! You have the RIGHT to live a life free of abuse. There are all sorts of support groups out there, and many are free. You just have to seek them out. I bet your friends who love you will be happy to help you find a group and a counselor. Don't give up! Get help, instead. Prayers going up for you right now.

Prayers for you - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I think realizing this is no longer a tolerable situation is a good sign. You are finding your strength and that takes courage. (I've been there.) If your family does not continue to be in your life after you eliminate the abuse, that is their problem, not yours. You worry about you, my dear. Stay strong... you can do this. And professional support is a great idea.

getting away from samily abuse - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I felt VERY compelled to write to you when I saw this this morning. At noon I have a appt with a counseling group that is certified in EMDR. I had never heard of it, but it's supposed to help with past trauma and PTSD, especially the resulting panic attacks which I have. Here's hoping!! I too have an abusive family member and others don't believe it. The family member is completely different around others so I'm the "crazy" one for saying there's abuse going on. I really can't take this anymore, it's almost daily. I get all of the "you can't just cut off a family member" lectures. I just no longer believe that's true. Since when does being related give someone a free pass to be abusive!?!? Please do find a therapist (might see if there's an EMDR certified counselor in your area - go to EMDRIA.org and check, or find someone else who specializes in abuse and the resultant trauma it leaves behind. Cultivate friends if you don't have them, more friends if you do!! Church, volunteer, find an abuse support group, a codependency support group. Look for someone who can guide and help you set boundaries because I'm betting your abuser knows no boundaries when it comes to you. I've finally decided I'm choosing to put up with this and I don't have to. If the rest of the family wants to blame me - fine, they're not the ones putting up with the abuse. Don't let guilt consume you either!! Where leaving is your choice, so is being abusive their choice. And as for losing the others in your family because of your choice, what are you really losing - people who in their own way are being abusive by holding their relationship with you hostage over your decision. I feel like at mid-40s I've paid my dues and then some and I have a right to some peace!! I'm sending loving, supportive, hopefully thoughts your way. You are NOT alone. If there are other people on here that get it, then there are other people out there that get it too. Keep pushing for your peace, everyone deserves it!!

family abuse again.... - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
Sorry, I also meant to tell you to email me privately if you'd like and I'll share with you anything I can as I try to navigate this new therapy. I would say chances are, like me, part of the reason you're not leaving or haven't yet is a serious fear of abandonment. I know that's a big one for me! Prayers to you!!

Counseling Goals - see msg pls

[ In Reply To ..]
You truly need some strength to help you realize that breaking off completely with the abuser is necessary. I truly believe that is you first goal. I, too, do not believe that just because someone is blood, it's okay to abuse/put up with abuse.

By staying with an abuser and also expecting help from counseling is kind of like going to AA meetings while you're still using alcohol. You leave the meeting, then have a drink. It's counterproductive.

I am not saying to just break off now, I'm saying to use that as your first goal in counseling. Any counselor worth their salt will allow you to set your goals, and in fact, will ask you at the first meeting what your goals are. If any counselor advises you to stick around for more abuse, get yourself to another counselor.

I personally do not recommend Christian counseling in abuse situations. They tend to want everyone to love everyone no matter what they're doing to them, forgive the abuser when they don't repent or change, etc., especially if it's a family member. I think Christian counseling has a wonderful place in other areas. Unless your abuser truly wants to change and needs help changing, then go to a secular therapist.

If other family members "side" with the abuser, then so be it. (Easier said than done, I know!)

I don't know how old you are, but whatever your age, you may need to start a new path in your life. Scary? Heck yes! But you will likely find that the fear of the unknown is a lot scarier than when you actually pull yourself up by the boot straps and do what needs to be done. This does NOT mean you have to have a confrontation with anyone. You just take your own path, your new journey. Make sure it's with people. Do not isolate yourself.

Our life sometimes needs to change, for anything good to happen. It is sooo easy to stay in a familiar zone, even if that zone is unsafe or unhealthy.

Best of luck to you!

counseling.... - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I do agree wholeheartedly with going to secular counseling in this case. Not only does it sometimes interfere with leaving an abusive spouse (God wants you to stay married, except for cases of adultery etc.) you will sometimes get a real pressure to pray that God will change the other person and that you should stay and let God fix things. God can do many things, true enough, but I don't believe He can affect free will. If an abuser doesn't want to change, they just won't. I also don't believe any God would want a person to continue to endure abuse.

Very Well Stated - JC

[ In Reply To ..]
You said that very well. This is not to put down any Christian counseling, prayer, or anything like that, but unless the abuser wants to change, all the prayer in the world isn't going to get him or her to change. And the person being abused is already feeling weakened and will likely be easily swayed into staying for the "sake of family," and that sort of thing. This will make the person being abused feel even less understood by the counselor, and yet even more isolated.

There are many secular therapists who work on a sliding scale--and who also work with religious leaders, if you are wanting to combine them, but be very careful not to get a mixed message.

Praying for you to have the strength to get out of this bad situation.

Thanks to All - Losing Strength

[ In Reply To ..]
I can't tell you all how much your comments have meant to me. The abuser in my case is my sister. I want to explain my remark about losing my family if I cut all ties with her. My family is relatively small, and the entire family only gets together two or three times a year. However, my sister has two wonderful daughters, each having one child. I adore my nieces and my great-niece and great-nephew. Sometimes we get together for lunch, cookie baking with the girls, etc. If I cut myself out of my sister's life for good, which I know I should and must do, then I will miss the opportunity to see others. My sister has made many, many Christmas parties with the entire family, and family picnics (which is Aug. 4) totally miserable for me.

I am having a terrible time with so much anger toward her, and what she has done to my life that I feel it will destroy me. She can be wonderful and feel like my best friend, and then will throw me out like a bag of garbage for nothing at all. This has happened hundreds of times during my life, literally. She has not spoken to me for seven or more months at a time many, many times. Then, like the typical abuser, remembers nothing about it later. I asked her 11 days ago why she refused to speak to me, giving one example in particular that happened four years ago. She replied quite defiantly, "Well, just let me explain that. I was mad at mom for how she treated me." She didn't even listen to the words that came out of her own mouth. She has hated my mom, and she takes everything out on me. I got the name of two therapists yesterday, and I am going to call one very soon. I really can't live like this any longer. She has done the most terrible things to me in my life, and she is so narcissistic that she will actually justify her deliberate acts of abuse by telling me how hard she had it. She cuts me off to punish and control me. Sorry this is so long. I have lost about 8 pounds in a week, have to take sleeping pills at night, and during the day I can't sit down. I have so much anxiety and hatred in me. This is the last and final time she will throw me away. I have been the best sister she could have ever prayed for. Thank you all again for your prayers. I am not doing well at all. Abuse is a lonely disease. You suffer in silence. My nieces, however, know how she is, and I have shared some things with them in the past, but spare them because it is their mother. My oldest niece was terribly abused by my sister, and was in therapy for some years.

Time to Take Action - see msg pls

[ In Reply To ..]
I am so glad you are going to therapy. It is time to take action. Please do not let her destroy you. Remember, you do not have to have any contact with her. You don't have to formally break up, have a confrontation, or do anything dramatic.

Since her kids are adults now, there is nothing that says you can't stay in contact with them. I am hoping they have become strong themselves and know they can speak to you without her permission. She really doesn't have to know a darn thing about it since they are adults. This woman is toxic and she is lucky her kids even speak to her.

Anyway, you are moving ahead in the right direction. I have been there, done that. It is not easy. My situation was my parents. I have COMPLETELY cut off ties with them. It wasn't easy. It took me quite some time in therapy to gain that strength. It was my idea, not the therapist's idea. These are YOUR decisions, not anyone else's, but know that if you choose to keep your sister in your life, she is NOT going to change. I wonder if you hold on to some hope that she is going to change--perhaps that is why you continue to put up with her abuse. Hope is a very powerful motivator. Sometimes, we don't even realize that's what is keeping us in an abusive situation.

Prayers to you for strength. Please stop in and let us know how you are doing.

What Happened To Me - With Religious Counselor

[ In Reply To ..]
I went to a religious counselor for some relationship problems I was having. Those problems were as a result of my having been abused as a child. I was trying desperately to explain to the priest that it was causing me to not be able to have a healthy, man/woman married relationship.

All the priest did was play devil's advocate. Devil's advocate has its place in many areas, but this was not one of them. I came out feeling like nobody in the world understood me.

This is different from poster's situation, but it's the same idea---this priest just wanted me to not feel what I was feeling, to pray that it will all work out. I will never, ever again go to a religious leader for anything other than religious guidance.

I subsequently found a secular therapist (a really good one with experience and training in psychoanalysis), and I got better and am now leading a happy, full, healthy married life with the same man. He also guided me to a priest he knew, so that I could have my religious guidance I also needed, but this priest did NOT interfere with our therapy in any way.

There is a person and place for everything, and just because someone is a religious leader with perhaps some sort of degree, it does not mean they are qualified for all types phases of psychological counseling.

I also know a situation - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
A very religious family I know sent their daughter to a religious leader because the daughter had anorexia and bulimia. I know this family personally and their views on "being perfect" so they go to heaven, etc., so it's sort of not a stretch to figure out how she got that way and why she felt so out of control of her own self that she had to do something so drastic to be heard.

Anyway, they sent her to the religious counselor, and all they did was have her try to pray this away. I don't know exactly what happened in those sessions, but the girl ended up in worse shape than when she went in. I don't know if she was told this was the devil, or that she is sinning, or what, but it was not pretty and the bulimia got so bad, she practically rotted out her gut, and her anorexia also worsened.

These people in churches are NOT necessarily qualified to treat these types of disorders or other psychological disorders. I think in their minds, they are doing the right and good thing, but it is not always the right and good thing. I do believe they mean no harm, but the mindset of praying everything away is not helpful in serious situations. Praying for strength and guidance is most helpful, for sure.

Use your religious leader for religious guidance and minor distresses in life, not for serious problems like those being discussed here.

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