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Question about baby shower etiquette.

Posted: Jan 29, 2015

My friend is having her second baby and she decided that I should throw her baby shower this time. I said sure and I suggested a diaper shower since this is her second baby in a relatively short period of time (2 years) and she has found out she is having the same sex, so in my mind at least, she already has all the "stuff." She seemed very offended by this, so fine I decided to call it a baby shower and let people decide on their own. Now my friend has taken to checking in with me every couple of days to find out how the planning is going. The last time she called, I told her about some of the decor and games I was thinking about, to which she replied "haven't you been looking on my Pinterest? I've been pinning things I like and games I want you to plan." Okay, so why doesn't she just plan her own darn baby shower!?!?! Call me crazy, but I never really cared what games we played or what the color scheme or decorations looked like at my showers. I just was happy that my friends and family were there and I got to eat some cake and have a few laughs and get a few gifts! I bought the invitations which she didn't like, so I haven't mailed them. She's changed the date of the party on me at least three times. She wants to see pictures of cake ideas before I commit to one. I'm just done. I really hate to, but I'm about half a second away from just telling her to either plan it herself or ask someone else. I work full-time, have a family of my own, and I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying plan this thing and now she wants everything run by her? I was pregnant at the same time she was with our first babies and so I didn't plan her shower and she didn't plan mine, but I would love to ask the person who did plan her shower the first time around if she was like this. I just can't remember who it was that planned it and I don't know them all that well.

What would you do?

;

tell her to plan her own - darned party

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xx

That's what I'd do, too. If she's not grateful for - your efforts, let her have her own party.

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X

Ditto. I would tell her that I was unable to plan the party - for her and since she had such wonderful

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ideas, she would be sure to have a successful shower.

She is a Friend? - see msg

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Your so-called friend is an immature little twit,and has no business even having kids. Good grief. I would count her out of my life.

If you've been friends since grade school or something and use that as a reason to not cut ties, think of it this way: One of you matured past that age, and the other didn't. So, move on.

Regardless of how long you've known her, you are allowing her to step all over you. Her manners are deplorable. She sounds very selfish.

I hate baby showers. If they can afford to have - a baby, they can afford their own stuff.

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nm

Think her hormones are raging? :) - IMANMT2

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You know her best. I don't know. If she were my friend, real friend, I'd probably grit my teeth and get through it somehow without getting really rude (fat chance on that) and pray she discovers birth control. ;)

Maybe you could get it through to her... like if you aren't going to get me the different invitations, I'll send these out, I've got to get them in the mail. I need to order the cake so make up your mind. Maybe you should set a budge for how much you will spend, and if she wants better she can chip in.

Kind of wrangle or reel her in if you can. You want to keep her as a friend, right?

And I would in a funny, laughing, joking (but not), ha-ha way afterwards, on the next baby get someone else to do it because she was a pain - if you can talk to her like that.

My friends and I can talk like that to each other, I could have said well, if you want to do this yourself and just put my name down as having given it, I'm totally okay with that. But some people are more sensitive even when they are acting insensitive.

Did she not like her first shower? Was she disappointed in some way with it? Maybe you should ask her that and by the way, who gave that one for you? But when friends discuss friends it usually gets back to them and not in a good light.

Have you been venting to your husband? :) Did he have any advice? I can guess. Men are more direct,usually. Women aren't men. What works for a bunch of guys won't work for a group of gals.

Hormones? - see msg

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I'd want to know more about the person when she's not expecting. If she's only like this when she's expecting, then she gets a pass---to a point.

I'll bet she was probably also a "bridezilla". - Am I right?

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nm

Maybe i am just old school but I find baby showers for - the second baby incredibly tacky

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ESPECIALLY if they are the same sex. that just screams greed. I wouldn't answer her calls. She is not your friend she is a leech.

I agree. I'm old-fashioned, too. - sm

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First of all, I would never in a million years tell friend (or anyone!) that she should throw a baby shower for me. My jaw dropped when I read that sentence.

And second of all, I agree with the poster who thinks a shower for a 2nd baby, especially so close in age to the 1st one, is a little tacky. I suppose if several friends got together and planned one, that would be different. But for the mom to ASK her friend to do it....wow. She wouldn't be a friend of mine much longer.

Yep, kinda like having a bridal shower for - your second or third marriage.

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nm

I Agree - see message

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What is someone has baby after baby? Kind of like it's tacky to have a wedding shower for a 2nd or 3rd marriage.

I also think it's tacky to have a wedding shower when the couple had already living together before they got married. They have what they need for the house; they just want more.

Second baby shower - LinK

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I had a second baby shower and I didn't ask for one. My friends just planned it. I had my last baby 10 years before that and I had long gotten rid of everything including the crib and all clothes so I really appreciated what they did for me.

That is what I thought about showers for the 2nd baby. - Original Poster

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I thought maybe the rules had changed and then I figure if the mom was having a different sex, then I could kind of see a having a shower. Anyway I called her last night to "talk" about the shower. I finally just told her that I just didn't have the time or the patience to plan this thing anymore. She clearly isn't happy with what I've planned so far and maybe it would be best for her to have another friend do it. I very nicely told her that as her friend I felt she needed to know that she was being very controlling and pushy. She got mad of course, but I told her I had enough stress in my life without having to deal with what should have been a simple baby shower. She hung up on me and then texted me later asking me if I still wanted to be invited! I just texted "probably won't be able to make it." Ah well, thanks for all the advice. Nice to know that there are other ladies out there who think like me.

WOW! I'm proud of you, OP! - sm

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You did (and said) exactly the right thing to your so-called "friend," OP! I am seriously amazed at how well you handled this very awkward situation. What floors me is that she still doesn't really "get it." She hung up on you and then asked you later if you want to be invited to her (probably imaginary) shower! She might have to plan and host it herself, and she might be the only guest.

She was probably just - interested

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in whether she could count on a present from the OP.

To be honest, I was ready to cuss her out, but thought I - OP

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would try a more diplomatic approach. Since the original conversation, I have been bombarded with texts from some of her other friends all telling me what a bad friend I am. And then there were a couple of thinly veiled posts on Facebook from some of her friends about what a great person she is and how lucky they are to have her has a friend, blah, blah, blah.

Geez, I thought we all graduated high school years ago?!?!?!

Now you know who to avoid - and who YOUR friends are

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I hate bull hocky like that. Absolutely hate it. It's bad enough in high school but when adult women do it, it's just nauseating.

If they feel so strongly, then they are more than welcome--sm - anon

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to put the time, energy, effort and money into planning the party.

Good For You! - see msg

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That was perfect--polite but to the point. She needs to be knocked down a peg or 2.

You tell em, girl! - SM

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Your post really took me by surprise! You didn't even try to find the bush most people dance around! It is so clear from what you said in your original post that this woman is bent on being the center of attention, and you were "hired" to make that happen. You could not have done better! WOW!

I would thank her - for

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giving you the opportunity to get a glimpse into her character and graciously decline the honor of arranging a party for her. I would tell her "I can see now that I am unworthy and that this is something so significant in the annals of humankind that it should probably be handled by someone accustomed to arranging parties for royalty."

This person sounds extremely self absorbed. I would not consider her a friend, nor would I make any effort to retain her "friendship." Save yourself--get out from under this party before it (and she) devours you.

I would politely say that you are very sorry, --sm - anon

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but the other demands on your life are making it to where you are no longer able to give the baby shower the time you feel it needs.

Advice columnist Ask Amy - Nik

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I read the Ask Amy column all the time. In real life we don't have the luxury of time to think of a clever response, but I love to read her answers as they always put the offensive person on the defensive for being so totally horrible--but in a way that makes the put-on person seem totally reasonable and nice (no matter what they are secretly thinking). She would probably say something similar to the above posters like this:
You (in a sincere and slightly embarrassed tone of voice): I am so out of the loop about Pinterest and things that I am really not the person you want to plan your shower, but please tell whoever is taking over that I'd be happy to bring something. What about cupcakes?
Her: Err...umm. {Blank stare]

Ask Amy always advises to end one of these types of conservations by asking the other person a question so that they will be off guard at having to think of an answer on the spot. With any luck, you will be off the hook!

Party etiquette - Backwoods Typist

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She has a lot of gall to ASK you to throw her a baby shower. I was raised old school and even though I am still in my 30s, a shower for a second baby, especially of the same sex, is tacky. After the first you usually have all you need. I can understand wanting to share in the joy of a new addition, but this is a step too far. If there were several years between siblings (like 5+) I could understand because after some time, you get rid of things thinking you will not need them again. Something tells me she asked you for a shower because she knew no one else would throw her a party. Maybe she is feeling left out or like she is not getting enough attention?

A get-together of friends for dinner and dessert (no gifts) would be more fitting instead of asking for a big shower. Or like you said, a diaper/wipes shower since she will be needing A LOT of those once the new bundle arrives.

As for what I would do, I would thank her for giving you the opportunity to plan her party, but that you can no longer devote time to it due to family, etc, etc, and that she should plan her own shower since it's obvious that your taste does not meet hers. She obviously has a mental picture of what she wants, so let her deal with it.

If she is as close a friend as you say, she will understand. It may be hormones, but that does not give her the right to trample over you like she has already. Frankly, friends do not do this to each other.

I am surprised frankly that you have not told her exactly how you feel. I would have already blown my stack.

Things Have Really Changed! - SM

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My sister was recently invited to a baby shower given for a well to do gal she works with. The shower is to be held at the country club. My sister really likes the girl, but she was fed up with the "requirements." They got invitations which actually stated they requested each person purchase a child's book (in addition to the gift) so the child would get interested in reading later. Then they said for each person to bring diapers as well. They, of course, indicated the proper attire for attending a shower at the country club. Wow. What happened to the day when a group of down to earth people got together and had a casual party, bought what they could afford, ate some refreshments and just had a good time. People used to be very appreciative of that. I'm afraid I would have to tell your friend you need to bail out of this one.

Years ago I got an invite for a wedding - from my aunt and her daughter

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was the one getting married. They were never in touch with me so I just put it in file 13 (if you don't know this, just Google).

I agree with the others - sm - Anon

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Tell your "friend" to plan her own shower...but be prepared to lose her as a friend (which, to me, is no loss). She is extremely rude and greedy. Good luck!

MULTIPLE AMENS to above posts - braindead

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I find this woman incredibly selfish, demanding, and manipulative. I don't think you should have agreed to this in the first place, but you have been more than patient. The sooner you explain to her that this has become more than you bargained for, and bow out, the better. The rest is up to her. Have you heard of wedding planners? Seems clear to me that she should be hiring her own "baby shower" event planner -- there are such persons.

I would bite my tongue and graciously bow out - Ayn

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I would find a way to nicely say "do it yourself *#%(@." :)

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