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Need opinions.......sorry this will be long
Posted: May 18, 2010
I will try to make this short, sorry, just need an opinion. My mother-in-law, I do get along with her but she gossips like REALLy bad. She is always stirring up stuff in the family and extended family (She has 9 kids) and she doesn't mean harm, she is just bored. She is very healthy and has never worked or anything. I think she needs to get into some church groups or senior groups or something, but anyway.....my husband does not get along with his younger brother and has not gotten along with him for our 12 years of marriage. They don't throw blows or anything, he just lives his life with his family and we live ours. When my husband divorced his ex, his younger brother remained friends with her, which would have been fine, EXCEPT for the fact that she was an alcoholic and later became a drug addict and he remained friends with her when it caused a strain with his relatiionship with my husband, because of the child that was involved. It's just a lot of mess really.
So anyway, back to my MIL, she actually stirs up stuff between my husband and his younger brother when she gets bored, then she plays the...."Oh, I wish my two boys would get along with each other before I die" and calls the other 7 kids in the family to whine and carry on about how they don't get along. It's CRAZY!
Well, she keeps scheduling these "events" at her house that will only involve my husband and his younger brother, none of the other kids, because she wants to get them "back together" is what she says. The thing is my husband tells her and tells her that he is just not someone that he can get along with, he has no desire to hang out and socialize with him outside of family events. The younger brother feels the same way about him. But, she keeps on and on and on and it is to the point that it is straight out annoying for me. My oldest son is 12 years old and doesn't even know him as his uncle.....that is the extent of time we have been around him and he has never even tried to get to know my kids. I don't want him in our lives either.
Even though my husband tries to tell his mother this, she acts like they are 10 and she has to make them play well together and I'm tired of all of these planned AWKWARD meetings that she keeps setting up with them, so they will get along for a month, just to make momma happy, then here comes the drama, and it just isn't worth it.
So, I know 100% that my MIL will talk about me to no end for doing this, but I think this weekend at the "meeting" I am going to tell her to just stop this, that they don't get along, they are both fine with it, they are civil to each other at family meetings and all of this DRAMA that SHE creates with them needs to stop for the happiness of our family as well as happiness of his family as well. I know that she will call every family member and tell them how it is "my fault" that they don't get along, but at what age do you make her stop? My husband is 41 years old. He is plenty old enough to decide who he does or does not want in his life.
Would you speak to her or just let them keep "trying" to handle it, cause obviously she doesn't listen to my husband?
;
Just my opinion, but I really think it is your - sm
[ In Reply To ..]husband's place to tell his mother what is what. If you know in advance that that the rest of the family is not going, then just don't show up, or leave as soon as you get there if you don't know in advance. Your husband needs to let her know that this is how it is going to be, and if need be, don't go over at all for anything. Maybe then she will get the message.
I gotta ask - why do you go to these meetings? - sm - sssdt
[ In Reply To ..]Why don't all of you just not go? Your husband can just tell his mom he won't be there, then not go, and she'll figure it out. If he is plenty old enough to decide, he's plenty old enough to stand up to his mom.
We did that. - Angel
[ In Reply To ..]The last one, he told her we would not be there, we had things to do. She spent the next week calling EVERYONE in the family whining to them about how they don't get along and how my husband wouldn't even show up at her cook out she planned. She keeps on and on and the other family members (It is a large family) call my husband and tell him to figure out something with his brother, because they are tired of her calling and whining to no end to them about it.
I think your husband is going to have to make a firm decision - sm - sssdt
[ In Reply To ..]He's either going to have to put up with his mother's shenanigans without complaint, or if he doesn't want that, he has to tell everyone in no uncertain terms that the subject is closed. And be consistent with it, too. He has to tell everyone the same thing and stick to it.
The choice he's made now -- sometimes go to his mom's, sometimes not, and always complaining about it -- is just causing drama. If you don't want drama, you have to stop your own part in it first.
The rest of the family - Lynn
[ In Reply To ..]needs to tell Mama to stop putting them in the middle. You and your husband are not responsible for Mama's calls to the rest of the family to whine. The rest of the family should stop expecting your husband to solve the problem his mother is causing. If they don't want to hear her whine, they should tell her to stop calling them to whine. Not your problem. Instead of trying to get Mama to change, your husband needs to tell his siblings and whoever to stop expecting him to fix the problem. If they don't want to hear from Mama, THEY need to tell Mama, not your husband.
Agree 100%. - nm
[ In Reply To ..]x
I've been in the same exact position as you with a similar circumstance - my advice
[ In Reply To ..]Don't do it. I urgently ask you not to do it. In the end you will end up being the bad person. This is between your husband and his family members. I made the bad bad mistake of getting involved in discussions to that sort (husband not wanting to party with his siblings. Fine at holidays, but they just don't hang out and they have nothing in common. All his siblings hang out together but they have drinking in common, sports, and talking bout all their friends, and they don't care about husbands interest and have never shown any interest in what he is interested in or is doing. MIL wanted to keep pushing husband to just get together have some beers and talk about what is interesting to his siblings, which is very very boring to DH), but I thought after 20 years of marriage I'm part of the family, right? Oh how wrong did I get that one. My MIL promptly told me I'm not part of the family and stay out of it. She in fact went so far as to tell me a few other choice words I had no idea she felt like that. My DH finally told his mother he has no desire to hang out with his brothers and sisters. He told her they have different lives, he loves them but he has nothing in common to get together and hang out.
So, for your own sake (and safety if your MIL is anything like mine) I implore you to just stay out of the conversation. If she ever talks to you about this I would simply say you don't want to get involved, it is between your husband and his siblings and you have nothing to do with it.
Then tell you husband that he needs to have a serious conversation once again and tell her for the final and last time what his wishes are and tell him to tell her not to bring it up again, and tell him to tell her that you have nothing to do with this, this is between he and his siblings and these are his wishes.
The cure for us was the best thing that ever happened. We moved to a different state. Now I get along great with my MIL.
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