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Need advice about step sister's son

Posted: May 19, 2011

I would really appreciate some advice here because I just don't know what I am supposed to do. With the exception of my mother's funeral, I have not seen my step-sister in almost 40 years. She and her mother had moved to a different state several years before I moved out from home and to a yet different state when I turned 18. When we each came home to visit, we never came at the same time, thus never saw each other. She is younger than me and I remember her as a cute little girl mostly. I have no ill feelings toward her and I don't believe she does for me either, we just were not close. I had a few times reached out as an adult when another sister gave me her address and wrote and never got a response nor email. So, I just let it be over the remaining years.

But, yesterday quite unexpectedly, I received an announcement that her child was graduating from high school. Here is my question, what I am expected to do, get a gift, send a congrats, etc.? If a congrats, to whom? I've never heard of the child until yesterday. I am sure she is very proud and with every right to be. I never got any graduation announcements from any of my other sisters or brothers when their children graduated high school. I am just wondering what the right thing to do here is. Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you in advance.

;

Send nothing. - Serious

[ In Reply To ..]
Act as though you never received it. If she can't have anything to do with you for so many years then you're not entitled to send anything.

I would probably send a card and $20, but that's just me. - Kendra

[ In Reply To ..]
As you said, you harbor no ill will toward your step sister and probably none toward her son, since you did not even know he existed. I guess it just depends on how tight money is for you. If money were tight, I would send a card. If I had a little to spare, like I said, $20. I suppose that either way, it probably won't affect your life, but it does always feel good to do something nice, doesn't it? And who knows? You might just gain a caring nephew!

The timing may not have been right for her before - and she wants to reach out

[ In Reply To ..]
It may enrich you both. A good opportunity to open up the relationship. If not, nothing lost.

re: Step sis - mancha

[ In Reply To ..]
Why don't you think of this as an opportunity to connect. Send the son a nice card and perhaps a small gift card for iTunes or Walmart (covers most young ppl's preferences!)

At the same time send your sis a hello card. If she does not respond, you will forever know that you tried to connect and no one will deny you that.

My mother and her brothers and sisters were very far apart in age and she was never close to them, didn't talk to them often. Her nieces and nephews were her age and she was close to one whose family stayed in town. Even though there was distance between them, mom ALWAYS sent cards and made short phone calls. She didn't care that at times months and months and even years would pass before one or two of the siblings contacted her, but she always took the initiative. She stayed with my grandmother the longest and was taught that family is family, and we can't always have our picks!

Be the bigger person here. At least you let her know she's in your heart.

Thank you all - June

[ In Reply To ..]
Thank you all for the great advice. I just really wasn't sure what I should do. Thank you all so much for your help.

I would ignore it - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I would absolutely not send anything, let alone money! They are just trolling for money. This is a step relationship, not blood, & if she has seen fit to live without you for 40 years, then pops up to ask for money, that tells me all I need to know. She has a lot of gall to contact you in this manner.

re: sm - step mom

[ In Reply To ..]
How ugly that you feel this way about steps! I am a step mom and my husband is a step dad and we love all "our" kids equally, even his oldest daughter with whom he has very little contact because she lives so far away (in another country) and her mother is kind of bitter. That has never ever stopped us from sending cards and presents for any occasion and calling, even when her mom won't let her come to the phone or she doesn't "have time" to talk.

The seeds of love are there, and a child in any circumstance should never be held accountable for tbe behavior of the parent. AND so what if these step sisters haven't kept in touch!? It doesn't mean there isn't love there.

In the beginning of my marriage, I heard my MIL speaking about "my" children to her neighbor, she said "oh yes, they are very good looking and well mannered, but I will never feel the same about them as I do my "real" grandchildren"... My husband was LIVID, because she seemed to have forgot that her husband married her and accepted her and her first two children (from another man whom she had not married) as his own!!! that attitude is cruel and ugly.

Blood means nothing today with the diverse family dynamics that exist and I hope OP sends the boy a card and also her sis, just to say "Hi, I was thinking about you..."

you got me wrong - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I didn\'t mean anything about/against \"steps\", just was pointing out that some people kept referring to \"blood\" relatives, etc. They weren\'t reading the OP\'s post correctly is all. Which happens a lot around here.

and actually... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I find this comment -

"her husband married her and accepted her and her first two children (from another man whom she had not married) as his own!!! that attitude is cruel and ugly."

- to be cruel and ugly itself! So are you saying that those 2 children by virtue of their being born out of wedlock are somehow "less than" deserving of being accepted/loved, etc.? There should have been no reason to point out the fact that she had not married their father to get your point across.

Advice - SS

[ In Reply To ..]
The graduation announcement might be a "good excuse" for her to reach out to you. If you want her or your nephew in your life, then reach back. If you're content with the status quo, then don't respond. It's amazing how people have global amnesia about us for years, then suddenly wake up from their "coma," memory intact, and reach out with graduation and wedding announcements.

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