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I need a shoulder to cry on (long vent)

Posted: Jan 10, 2012

I am sitting here so depressed. I have two adult daughters and five grandkids. My oldest daughter is a widow (her husband was killed in Afghanistan in 2005) with two kids. She is a professional photographer. She took a picture of my other daughter and her kids which I fell in love with and when I asked her if I could have one, she said the price is $80 (black and white, 8 x 10). Needless to say with my lowly wages as a transcriptionist I could not afford it. She has become miss high and mighty ever since Michael was killed. Everything is about her, her, her. She posted on Facebook one day that she went Christmas shopping that day and ended up buying everything for herself which included an I-pad, a fabulous pair of $200 boots, and a bunch of other stuff. I hate her being so conceited. Her and her significant other and her two kids go on a trip every Christmas. She never comes to our family dinners because she is too "busy." I saw my two grandkids once last year (they live 45 miles from me) and I had to make the effort to go see them.

My other daughter and her hubby have three kids. When I married my husband 4 years ago, I owned a home in the city where my two daughters lived and this daughter wanted to rent that house as they were living with his parents. I charged them $500 a month for rent with a house payment of $750 but thought it was worth it for my grandkids to have a back yard to play in and a much nicer neighborhood. Every January when they filed their tax returns they gave me $1000 to "make up" for the rent they had not paid since the previous January. Eventually, that house was repossessed by the bank and they had to move. I went to clean the house after they moved out and it was an absolute wreck. I called her because the garage was full of stuff and she said "anything in the garage can be pitched...I don't have room for it." We took 5 loads of toys and clothes to the Goodwill. The really sad part was that for the last 13 years each Easter I have given my grandkids a Longaberger basket and in the garage I found 10 of them! They are now with me and I am not sure I want to return them to my grandkids. And I am seriously conetemplating not giving them the baskets this year. My oldest daughter hasn't been to Easter for two years. My youngest daughter was at my family's Christmas this year two weeks before Christmas and after we ate and opened gifts, somehow they snuck out without saying goodbye or Merry Christmas to me. I didn't even know they had left until I went to look for them.

This year for Christmas I told my daughters that I wasn't going to buy the grandkids any gifts but instead, take them to an indoor water park w/o parents, just me, my husband, and the gkids for a weekend. They said they thought that would be great. Unfortunately, my oldest grandson broke his collarbone on Christmas day and he now cannot go for at least two months.

I am just so depressed over all of this. My oldest daughter even "unfriended" me on Facebook. I see her commenting on other family members posts.

I am not sure why my daughters have become the way they are. I truly miss seeing my grandkids and feel like I am there just for brithday and Christmas gifts. We do art shows on weekends in the summer. Two summers ago my oldest called and asked what weekend would work for us, we actually had the weekend of Em's birthday off, I told her that, but then she planned the party for the following weekend because teh parents of her deceased husband could not make it the actualy weekend of her birthday. Her excuse for not attending the family Easter dinner is because the parents of her deceased husband have Easter dinner the same day as we do (the dinners are about 1/2 mile apart) and three hours apart but ours is always earlier in the day and she says she doesn't want to upset her mother-in-laws feeling and not show up hungry.

I just feel like my grandkids are now growing up without me knowing them. We don't get invited to school activities, baseball and soccer games in the summer; just the birthday parties.

I apologize for the long vent but I just needed to get this off my shoulders.

;

Have you asked your daughter whats up? - that is a start

[ In Reply To ..]
I would point blank ask her what is going on and ask what you can do to fix whatever it is. Explain that you miss the grandkids, that you would like a copy of the photo (which can be printed at any Walmart for under 2.00 for an 8 x 10), and that you also feel neglected on holidays and other times. Dont make it about money, but about not getting time with them.

Oh, that makes me feel so sad. (sm) - fancynancy

[ In Reply To ..]
Like the above poster, I would ask both daughters if you had done something to offend them. Are the grandchildren indifferent to you? Could they tell you of upcoming school events so you could attend?

I am so sorry for your heartache...I just cannot imagine.

BTW - a professional photo CANNOT be copied due to copyright law unless you have written permission.

Children - GrammaMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm sorry you're feeling so sad, but I want to encourage you to take a step back and try to read your post from a point of a friend writing it.

Your pity party is unfounded. You've raised two kids who are living their adult lives as they want to. Cutting your daughter a break on rent was YOUR choice, right? Well when you're making those choices, you're attaching expectations to them and they may be unrealistic expectations.

NOTHING keeps me from my grandkids (they live about 2 hours from me). I don't wait for invitations. I go see them when I can and want to.

I think you're expecting something from your daughters that just may be unrealistic. Your post really sounds like "poor me" and I know sometimes family gets tired of being around someone with that kind of attitude.

I would have a conversation with each daughter and tell them how you feel. Put it on the table. Then cheer up, take control of your own life, and celebrate the fact that you've raised two daughters who are independent.

(BTW, a new basket every year for a kid seems a tad extreme to me, you might want to just open bank accounts in each of the kids' names and add to that instead of giving them things they don't need/want. You get to control it and choose when to gift access to the account to the kids.)

Hang in there, stop waiting on invitations. Get proactive.... with a smile.

maybe let go for a bit, focus on and enjoy your life a while; - see what happens. n/m

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Family - Another GrammaMT

[ In Reply To ..]
I really understand where you are coming from with your message and I truly feel your disappointment. We lived far away from family for a few years and when we moved back I couldn't wait to have all my family around me. Well, guess what, they have their own lives and now I realize that I have mine also, which is a good thing. That being said, I also make sure that I have standing arrangements to see my grandchildren each week (they are all within 5 miles). In the summer, we take the oldest ones camping and in the winter we have a snow trip the week after Xmas. My youngest grandchildren are here at my house every Friday. At first their mother would not let ANYONE watch her 2, my youngest grandchildren. She was a hard one to win over for me, now she can't wait to have the over here on Fridays and looks forward to it! As someone else said, we have made it all about the kids and figure the parents will do what they will but every parent appreciates having family taking the kids and giving them a bit of space!

Sweetie, you can consider my shoulder cried on. - Please read

[ In Reply To ..]
Please don't be depressed. I do understand how you feel. Your life and your relationship with your daughters and grandchildren is not what you want it to be, but maybe you can change all of this in a positive way.

While I agree with the other posters about speaking with your daughters about your feelings, I would caution you to keep this sincere, light-hearted, and showing good intentions. Do not let this escalate into an argument or be offensive to them. You know, one day when their own children are grown, you will become close friends with them again because their schedules will not be so full. I know, you don't want to wait that long.

You might want to try stopping contact with them on too frequent a basis. They will probably wonder what is up with you, and contact you with sincere concern. While you should do everything you can to maintain a good relationship with them, do not set your expectations to high. Make the effort, but do not be disappointed when you do not receive the response you desire.

Now. I have 2 very young grandchildren. I am making it a habit to take them shopping each year at Christmas to buy for their parents, and I am trying to teach them about giving (I was so proud of the oldest this year). In the future, perhaps when they are as old as your grandchildren, I would like to pick a day during the holidays with them, and that is when we will go shopping for their Christmas gifts with a set $$ limit. Then I will give them a little surprise on Christmas as well.

I know your heart is breaking and you are perhaps lonely, and this may sound cruel, but why don't you forget about your disappointment in your daughters and work on your relationship with your grandchildren. Make dates with them, just them. I talk to my daughter at least twice a week on the phone and we share a lot, but I pick up the grandkids 2-3 times a month and they spend the night with me and we do fun things. We make plans about future weekends too, and they actually look forward to it. Get to know them. They do not stay young long. Take them to a movie, a park, skating, etc. What my grandchildren like more than anything is story-time and baking goodies right here at home. See if you can apply this concept with your grandchildren, and in some way it may also improve your relationship with your daughters.

While you are not working on the above, try not to fret about it. Develop some new interests for yourself, gardening, reading, outings, collections, redecorating a room, whatever. Please make this effort for yourself. Always let your family know you love them, even when they disappoint you. And lastly, try to consider your glass half full. Please count your blessings and do not take them for granted.

Shoulder available - M

[ In Reply To ..]
You really have gotten some great advice from the other posters. All I can add is that I agree with each and every one of them, and I know what it's like to have parents who's lives are centered around only their children and grandchildren and know what it's like to be a grandmother myself now and have kids who are too busy and don't seem to appreciate what I do for them.

What I've done is just leave them alone and developed some new interests myself. They all know what kind of financial shape I'm in, as I've been honest with them about not being able to provide gifts. However, I can give them my time, and they know this and now seem to appreciate it.

Maybe you've spoiled them a little? I don't blame you, though, as I tend to spoil everything and everyone around me. I would also have a heart to heart just as the OP suggested, keeping it light so it won't turn into a guilt trip for them or an argument. After that, and after you stop with those lovely baskets (I have one tiny one and cherish it), they might come to appreciate you a bit more. They obviously don't appreciate you now nor do they appreciate the gifts you're giving them.

Do be as positive as you possibly can. Being negative around your kids will keep them away. I don't know if you're doing that, but you might want to think about it.

Your daughter lost her husband. She has a right to be a little bit selfish if she wants.

Ahhh kids.. It takes a lot of time for them to truly appreciate their parents, or so it seems. It took me a long time, too.

So sorry, but that's family - MTtotaxidermist

[ In Reply To ..]
Honey, you needed to vent. This sort of thing goes on all the time on my husband's side of the family. We just try to stay out of the way of it. Your daughter that lost her husband - she is still unaccepting of what happened and is acting out in an immature way about it. I would kick her butt and forget those grandkids, as long as you know they are not being abused. The rest of them - well, I would stop giving gifts (I have done that on my husband's side of the family)and see them when you are available. They are taking advantage of you in so many different ways. Tearing your emotions to shreds and being selfish. There will come a day when they realize what they have done, but will you still be here to see it? Probably not because when you are gone that is when they will ask themselves, why didn't we spend more time with our mother? And the kids, they barely knew their grandmother? They will be sorry, but there is no way to get that time back. The FB thing - I had to unfriend almost all of my family because of the things they were posting about me on FB - now they can post and I don't have to see it - therefore, I am not hurt by it. I see it only as their loss. I have only 1 grandchild and that may be the only 1 I ever have. Thankfully my daughter and I are still close, I have been able to babysit her since my daughter went back to work, but she just started nursery school this week and I feel as if I'm going through withdrawals, but I also am not as tired. I'm sorry you are going through this and will pray that your situation changes. Things do change with grandkids, though, as they get older, but I think that grandparents still have a right to see them. Love and hope to you.

I actually think that your daughter might be - trying to do the right thing.

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband is in the military and in the Middle East right now. I cannot stand his mother. God forbid anything happen to him over there (and I pray every day that it does not), I would probably finding myself bending over backwards to keep his parents in my children's lives, even though I am not that sure that his mother really wants to be there. I understand why she wants the kids to be around them. His parents are all that she has left of his father to give them. I hope that if I were in that position, my mother would understand, but I doubt she would. I have no personal desire to talk to my MIL, but I call her once a week while my husband is deployed and force her to interact with her grandkids. It's a sad scenario and I hope that your daughter and her MIL have a better relationship. They share a loss that you probably can never truly understand. I think that you should tell her how you feel, but try to be understanding, as well.

Shoulder - M

[ In Reply To ..]
You've gotten some good advice here, and I hope it helps you to sort things out. Just know that I have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and hope you all can work through this and become closer, somehow. Hoping and praying things get better for you and yours very soon.

Ungrateful Kids - SameBoat

[ In Reply To ..]
Wish I had seen this earlier, been kind of busy since being dx'd with a heart condition. I am beginning to think it's more from a broken heart than anything else. I worked 12 hour days and some weekends as a self-employed MT because I wanted the resources to send my kids to college. I have boys, one of whom married into a large family, many kids and a mother who insists they see her every weekend, so I have to read on FB how my son had a great time with "the inlaws". He calls about once a month or even longer spans(lives 40 miles away) and usually from his car. The other is an accomplished professional who is too "busy" but does call from his car as well, he lives 50 miles away. One allows me on FB but it hurts too much to read about how much fun he is having with the inlaws. The other one won't friend me because he doesn't want me into his business. Neither DIL ever, ever calls. The older DIL gives the younger one "tips" on how to make us "make an appointment" to see them. I have overheard this, having such a keen sense of hearing from my profession. They both answer my rare calls by having their husband return my call. I have cried a million tears and my husband (who is disabled) shrugs it off as "don't think about it." So I know how you feel and say "ditto" to your feelings. I do try to make my own life but it is very difficult and very sad to have this situation. I see my kids the day before or the morning of a holiday so they can go to the inlaws, as I do ask for that much for their Dad's sake on this and they comply. Otherwise, it's a lonely life and I blame myself for having raised two boys who don't have the guts to stand up for their parents and show up once in awhile or dare to call from home. Yes, I have grandchildren,and when we tried showing up to see them we were met with them literally standing at the door or saying they were just going out, etc. One of the DIL's actually told us once when we pre-called, "No, you were just here, we're going out." I called because I had left something there that I really needed and had to pick up. She left it outside on the deck. It's something in the water, I think, what did we do wrong? Perhaps we worked too hard! But it hurts, it really hurts! You have a right to feel the way you do, don't ever let anyone tell you to "get your own life." You dedicated yourself to them and they broke your heart. Shame on them! You're not alone, I know several other moms whose kids ignored their roots (until they showed up for the funeral). My little granddaughter confided in me, "My mom throws everything out that you give me; she only keeps what her mom gives me." Nice!

To the OP. - I want to share this with you.

[ In Reply To ..]
So many mothers/grandmothers go through the passage you are describing. Only we understand the phrase "if youth but knew what age could tell."

I have the exact daughters you are describing. Don't get me wrong, I love them and I am so proud of them, both with master degrees and professional lives, with children, and the oldest has decided to go back to school, having a 1-year and 4-year old at home.

When they became self-sufficient, I butted out of their lives. I turned them over to God and prayed that they would make it, be successful in the world, happy, and as blessed as I have been. They hung on a little at first but in time I started to feel abandoned. Everything else always came before me. They did not have time for a phone call, but would e mail me. If they came to family functions, they were late and wanted to leave early. When the grandkids came along, I felt like nothing but a baby-sitter. Loved the time with them, and do enjoy it while they are young, but I never saw my daughters.

The youngest is single, but her schedule is very full. She does make time for me, but it almost has to be an appointment. The oldest, with children, and her husband make much more $$ than we do, double actually, so going out to dinner, vacation houses, BD and Christmas gifts, etc. is not what it used to be. It seems nothing we do or suggest is good enough for them. They have been married 6 years and have bought a new house and 4 new cars. They do not have time to go to the grocery store or cook (if she knew how) so most meals are out at nice restaurants. We can not afford to do that. When we make plans with them, they are always late. She always asks for gift certificates instead of gifts. They have the latest in technology for everything in their house, and they spend a lot of money. They spend so much on on themselves, that they give nothing to others. Their limit on us for Christmas is $35, and you should see some of the gifts I have gotten. This is not the way I brought her up.

Since the birth of their last child, I have noticed a change in her. She is still busy with the kids, work, and school, but when she is around me she is different. She has asked to go to antique shops with me when I go. She said she was actually jealous that her sister went with me and spent the day the last time. When we went to the mall this year, she wanted to go to O'Charley's or Red Lobster with us again instead of the high dollar restaurants.

My husband, me, and my younger daughter were going to my parents to decorate their house for Christmas this year, as they are not able to do it anymore. She asked to come. That Saturday her husband asked her if she was taking the 1-year-old with her. She said, "No, she is staying with you. I am helping mom, dad, and sis and I can't get any work done with her there. My grandparents are now unable to decorate their house for Christmas, which means there won't be many more, and I do not want to miss this. I want to remember it forever."

Honey, what goes around comes around. Turn your girls over to God, go live your own life, get to know your grandchildren without them, and they will come around in their own good time. Trust the way that you have raised them. They grow, they change, they grow, and they change some more. So many mothers go through this. Being depressed about it is not going to help anything. Think more positively about what YOU can do to make YOU happy. Don't wait for them to do it.

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