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Husband favors his son over our baby girl

Posted: Mar 17, 2010

I just don't understand how my husband can favor his 7-year-old son from a previous relationship over our new daughter. She is 4 months old and the only child he seems to be concerned about is his son. His son is here Thursdays-Sundays and when he is here, he pays no attention to our baby. Right now, she is not noticing this I guess because she is so young but I am afraid as she gets older, she will begin to pick up on this and that just breaks my heart. So many little things my husband does makes me so mad. For example, I don't have a car, so when she has a doctor's appointment I have to depend on someone to carry me. My mom always has to end up doing it because he will never carry her. But if his son needs something, then he will break his neck to get to him. He'll say they can just fire me at work.....I am going to get my boy. She had an appointment today and I had to cancel it because my mom's car is in the shop and my husband would not carry her. He also talks about all the things he wants to do for his son and buy for him and he never once says I want to get this for our daughter. I am the one who does everything for her. When he comes home from work, he plays video games and doesn't spend any time with her. He never feeds her, changes her, holds her...not unless I ask him to and then I have to practically beg. he has never once gotten up at night and tended to her. But if his son gets up at night and says he had a bad dream, oh then my husband acts like the world is going to end. I just need to vent. it is not fair. And I just tell myself that when she gets older and hardly has anything to do with him, then it will be his fault.....but it will be her hurting, not him. My mother-in-law acts the same way. They act like his son is just more special for some reason. Just because he has to go back and forth between his mom and dad does not mean that he deserves more attention than our baby. And his son knows how to work everybody too and use his parents being split to his advantage. He'll say mommy doesn't buy me toys and things like that so my husband will go out and buy him all kinds of stuff so that he will be the favorite parent...but that is a whole other can of worms. Ugh, I am just so mad right now, I can't even type right. Have any of you ever dealt with a situation like this? I don't know what to do. I can't talk to him about it because then he will turn it around on me and say that I don't do anything for his son, but I tried to at the beginning...his son just does not like me. At Christmas, I got mad at my hubby because the only child he was concerned about doing anything for was his son and when I asked about our daughter, he got livid at me. Anyways...needed to vent.

;

Maybe he feels guilty because his son is from a broken home.... - AzRain

[ In Reply To ..]
The good thing is your daughter doesn't realize he's doing this now. However, it's really sad that he's missing out on a relationship with his little girl. I don't know what advice to give you, other than he's behaving like a jerk. Have you thought of counseling?

Not condoning the behavior, but (sm) - Mainegirl

[ In Reply To ..]
Maybe it's because she's a baby and he figures there's nothing he can do for her... Definitely not OK, but maybe he's just seeing her as a needy blob that doesn't need HIM, but needs mommy. At that age, babies bond more with their moms, who are generally the food source and comfort source and the dads feel left out. Or maybe because she's a girl he feels she's "yours" because she shares the same sex, and you'll do "girl" things with her that just aren't interesting to him. He may feel that his older child is much more fun and interesting than a little baby that is more interested in her next meal and snuggle. I hope for your sake that his attitude changes. Good luck!

I agree with this poster and that the father feels guilty - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
having caused a broken home for his son, or maybe his 1st wife did.

Be patient and do not blow it out of proportions. His attitude will change when the little girl gets a little older, then he will be more aware of her presence in the house.

Give it some time and do not overreact, it is for you all right now a difficult and new situation, stay calm.
Good luck to you!

I can relate in a way though I have 2 girls - sm -

[ In Reply To ..]
Part of your problem could be he just doesn't want to deal with a baby. I used to joke (but was serious) that our younger daughter did not even know she had a dad until her younger sister was born. He had barely anything to do with her until she was 19 months old when our second daughter was born. He did not have much of a choice and had to step up to the plate. Though when #1 was a baby he would take 1 night a week so I could get one night of rest a week at least. My MIL was a bit bent at first when we had a girl, even cornered my DH asking him if he was disappointed, etc when she was about 3-months-old. Luckily he is a guy who could care less about having a son, unfortunately it sounds like boys are the greatest thing since sliced bread and girls just don't count. My MIL is of that mentality and she was unhappy for a long time that we did not have boys. So glad we did not have 1 boy and 1 girl, boy that would have been a mess. She has reconciled that the family name won't be carried on (DH's older brother not married no kids and no desire for either)--but my DH is guilty of favoring our second daughter. He denies it but it is there and my older daughter(11) knows it too. My older daughter is a bit of a whiner and can be extremely annoying and he just doesn't want to deal with it. My other daugher (10) is much more responsible, helpful, and just nicer to be around most of the time. So it gets to be a bit crazy here. My older one does dumb stuff just so she can get his attention, negative though it may be since it is usually him yelling at her for doing whatever she did wrong, she has his attention. She is also a bit of a hypochondriac which can be a bit draining too. I have explained all this to him but he thinks I am nuts. So I really push for him to do stuff with her on a 1:1 basis, as he does a lot more with my other daughter than he does with her(#1). ---I suggest you save up and get a reliable used car so you don't have to bum rides. That is not a good situation to be in. If you need to take you daughter to the doctor quickly you need to be able to go and not have to call 911 if it is not life-threatening. We made sure I have a back up vehicle here as well at all times in case my car won't start for some reason. I am 30 mins from the closest hospital. So we have my SUV and our backup pickup truck that we got for $3600. The pickup is not used too much but it is more for piece mind and does not cost us much to have. -=- I hope you husband steps up to the plate but doubt it will be until your daughter becomes a little person, walking, running about, able to talk, etc. All his attention to his son and none to his daughter will come back to bite him in the rear if he continues to do so.

I need to prrofread, meant to say older daughter - -

[ In Reply To ..]
did not know she had a father.

and learn how to spell - nm -

[ In Reply To ..]
:-)

Stepmom - Fun

[ In Reply To ..]
My husband was like this until the "old" kid grew up. Literally, to be an adult! Now he is fine with the "new" kids and enjoys them very much. It was all just guilt.

To me it sounds like - it could be more

[ In Reply To ..]
about the fact that your daughter is a baby. SO many men will NOT step up and take responsibility or help with the care of their babies. They use the excuse that the baby wants their mother more and cries when daddy tries to help, but this is only because they do it so infrequently that the baby is not as familiar with them! I made SURE this didn't happen with my kids. We took turns at night, with diaper changing, baths (okay, I did most of them in the tiny newborn stage), mealtime, everything. My kids didn't cry for mama, because they knew and loved their daddy; unless they were sick, of course, then they wanted me. I was a stay-at-home mom then, too, and he still stepped up and helped out.

Your situation is probably a combination of both issues; guilt for the son, and baby issues with daughter. Whatever it is, I certainly wouldn't put up with it! Especially the no car/no ride to the doctor thing. You have to put your foot down, and who cares what he says and thinks? Fair is fair, and if he doesn't change it will do your daughter more harm staying with him than it will if you leave him. You don't want that to be her example of what a healthy relationship looks like, both father/daugher AND husband/wife. He might get better as she gets older, but he might not, either, and I wouldn't just sit by and wait it out. Take action, get counseling, something.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I just hav no patience wtih men who refuse to look at any side but their own, and act selfishly like this. There is no excuse.

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