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Hi all. I hope I can get some honest opinions

Posted: Jan 9, 2012

I am a single mom of 2 who has been divorced for over 5 years. I am really scared to get involved again because my 2 husbands (ugh! lol) were abusive. I recently met someone and he seems very nice. Of course we all know looks can be deceiving. He works at a convenience store. When we met, he said he was going to school, but now he says he has not gone back yet. I saw him at his store the other day and he said he would be at church the next day because his Sunday hours were 11p-7a. I asked at church the next day if he was going to be able to stay for lunch and he said he could not because he was working 3-11. Okay, I do have trouble hearing so I could have misunderstood or his schedule could have changed at the last minute. I went by at 3:30 to see him and he was not there. I could have sworn the day before when I saw him at the store he said he was working 11p Sun night to 7a Mon morning because he specifically said he was glad because that freed up his Sunday. But when he said that at church about working 3-11 and then he was not there then makes me wonder. Am I being played? Please no rude comments. I have enough of those IRL. Am I just too scared to get involved again or am I seeing clearly. I am wondering if his fibbing about something insignificant could signal more lies about more significant things later. Thanks for any respectful comments/advice!

;

There are only a few things that I have - a really hard time

[ In Reply To ..]
putting up with, and one of those things is lying. I've had this happen with my spouse in the past, and really, I have a hard time now believing when he says some things that it is the truth. You know this going in, and you just have to decide if this is a trait you are willing to put up with. Since you are a single mother of 2, is this something you want to expose your kids to?

Our word is all that we have to stand on. He may even be a decent person that just lies, but how would you ever know. For me personally, there is no way I would go into a relationship knowing this. I try to teach my children that it is always better to tell the truth than to lie, and I truly believe this.

Thank you also!! I tend to agree. - nm

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s

Oh, but EVERYBODY does it. SM - AgreeWithYou

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Once I posted something on this board about lying and was stunned to see the large mob that jumped my case, stating that "EVERYBODY" does it, that is borne out by sociological studies, etc. blah blah blah.

KUDOS to you for your refusal to tolerate lying from your husband/SO and also for instilling that golden value into your children. I salute you!

No, "EVERYBODY" does NOT lie.

my opinion.... - alias

[ In Reply To ..]
yes, he is already lying to you, for whatever reason, only he knows for sure. forgetabouthim! Not worth the time and effort. move on. Asking for trouble if you pursue him further. JMO

Thank you!! I kinda had the same thought:) - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
n

I became involved with a man - Not a good sign

[ In Reply To ..]
who had a habit of lying about small things; at first, that is. He would lie to his supervisor, lie to patients (he was the manager of the business office at a hospital, and I worked in Medical Records) and tell them he was "checking into things" for them, and then would hang up, brush it off, and laugh about it. He literally lied about everything. Later I found out that he was seeing one of the nurses on second shift for seven months before I found out. If they lie in the beginning there won't be a good ending. I wish you luck.

Sorry. Meant to respond to original poster - Not a good sign

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xxx

Thanks. I need it. LOL! I do appreciate all the - sm

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advice. Just wanting to make sure I am seeing things clearly:)

I hate to say it, but..... - sm

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unless he is 17 years old, to me working at a convenience store equals broke and that is bad enough, but do you really need a broke liar?? You are better off on your own with your kids. If you do get involved again, I would make sure it was someone who will benefit your children's lives, but take away from them, so I would be very picky, including income and job status in consideration.

I agree with poster above and not only that, but... - trust your instincts!!!

[ In Reply To ..]
you are questioning this person for a reason! If you have these doubts already, stop trying to talk yourself out of stopping the problem before it starts. Realize you've learned a thing or two from your past and no matter what the past has brought your way, you have the ability to make good choices and recognize a potential bad situation when you see it coming!

Focus on the kids. They need you 24/7 and are worth more than any man/relationship, especially one that isn't 110% good for you.

Again, trust yourself - you are a woman, a mom and you do have good instincts. The more you listen to them, the better they will get!! ;)

Thank you for that! I appreciate it so much! - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
Cyber hugs to all:))) You all have made me feel so much better!

Actually I told myself the same thing and something - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
else that came to my mind is a conversation I had with him months ago that set off red flags, but I had forgotten about. I was through with the divorce, but found the child support I supposedly "qualified" for was not enough so took the ex to court to get more. I told him all this and when I saw him that day after court, the first thing he asked was "How much did you get...or will you get?" I had completely forgotten about that. Major red flag. I am so glad and thankful for you all!!

Just wanted to say this. Have you had any - counseling SM

[ In Reply To ..]
regarding the fact that you married 2 men who were abusive? I say this coming out of 2 abusive marriages myself. It is thought that we somehow are drawn to these kind of men and you have to figure out why. I figured out that subconsciously I did not feel I deserved anything better for myself. Low self esteem. Just a thought.

Oh yes. Been seeing one off and on for years. - sm,

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That is the same conclusion I came to. Definitely low self-esteem.

Then my suggestion would be - see message

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That you intend to remain single. Make a promise to yourself not to become "involved" with anyone for a certain period, six months, a year, 2 years. You need some "me time," because you have some things you need to work out about yourself before you can ever make anyone else happy, not to mention that you have not been doing so great at making yourself (and your children) happy. You need to figure out why.

Take some time. Live for you and your kids. Do not be afraid to be alone. It may actually be good for you and the kids. Get some self-esteem. Set your sights higher. Visualize in your mind over a matter of time the type of person you are looking for. Then take some more time and prove to yourself that you will not settle for less.

Just my opinion, which means nothing but I truly do wish you the best of luck.

I HOPE I CAN GET SOME HONEST OPINIONS - mars

[ In Reply To ..]
I think that you should concentrate on your children at this point. I don't know if this man is playing you or not, but he could be deceptive. You stated you have had 2 abusive marriages so I think you should just concentrate on yourself and your kids. You don't always have to have a man in your life. Good luck in whatever you do.

Thank you. That is exactly what I plan to do:) - nm

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s

Playing you. - M

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I'm so happy to hear that's exactly what you plan to do! Been there, done that, and suffered needlessly if I'd only listened to my instincts. Great job on your part! Great advice from everyone else! It just makes me feel good to know a sister is looking out for herself and her kids for a change! All the best to you and your children. You deserve the best!

Aww thank you so much for saying that!! It brought - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
tears to my eyes...in a good way of course!! Thank you again and everyone else, as well!

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