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Has anyone ever had to seperate themselves from a parent...
Posted: Feb 28, 2010
The reason I am posting this is to know if anyone has ever had to basically disown a parent? How did you go about doing it?
Has anyone ever had a parent who was so toxic that they had to seperate themselves from them? I don't know of a better word to come up with but toxic. Someone who had no respect for you, your husband or child. No respect for your privacy. No respect for your other parent. No respect basically for anyone, not even themselves. And no matter how much you tried to get the point across they just either didn't get it or didn't want to accept that you no longer want them to be in your life. It sounds awful I know to feel this way about a parent, but there are some people, whether they are your parent or not, that do things that are just so unacceptable that you have to for you and your family's sake.
;
yes, it happens. Quietly bow out and live your life. - n/m
[ In Reply To ..]..
getting rid of a parent - anon2
[ In Reply To ..]Sorry but I don't believe in getting rid of any human being, especially a parent. I would clearly state to him or her what the problem is. I think you're being far too harsh. I wouldn't turn away a stray dog. I don't know how you can be so cruel unless this parent is a sexual predator or worse, they deserve to be part of your life. Suck it up and deal with it. You sound heartless!
parents - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I have not spoken to my father in 10 years and it was the best move I ever made. He was a terrible father and I had a very unhappy childhood. I left home at 16 and would occasionally see/talk to him, but after a while, I just could not do it anymore. Life is far too short to deal with people that make you miserable. He has only seen my son once and, by the way, he is is not beating down my door to see his grandson or me, so it's his loss. I don't dwell on it at all. I make up it by giving my kids a happy home and I found that all the things I missed out on a child, I am making up for now as an adult with my children. It is not heartless to extract someone from your life. There is no rule that says you have to deal with toxic people, regardless if you are related to them or not. Be happy and live your life. My mother left me on my grandparent's doorstep when I was 6. I saw her once when I was 18 and have not seen or heard from her since, so I'm kind of an orphan, but my husband's family is more than enough to make up for it.
Not so fast anon2 - Been There Done That
[ In Reply To ..]I understand someone stating the points in your post, BUT.... I have been there and done that. Sometimes you absolutely have to. It breaks my heart also, constantly. Sometimes you love your mother/father because they are your mother/father, but you do not like the kind of person they are. Fine too, but when that person becomes destructive not only in their life but in YOUR life and that of your family, you simply cannot allow it. If that parent is actually making your own family become dysfunctional, you have to make a choice. The parent being a child abuser, sex or otherwise, also is not the only reason to distance yourself, believe me.
Since I do not know the OP's situation personally, I must assume it is truly devastating for a normal person to feel this way, that they have no choice, and they need support (more than you or I could give actually). I definitely would support some counseling on this because the guilt will never go away, you just have to learn to live with it. It is sad but definitely necessary to burn some bridges.
I did it - Lynda
[ In Reply To ..]I finally had had enough and during a phone call I told my mother everything I had been holding back since I became an adult. It was the last conversation we ever had. It felt as if a physical weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Why was I working so hard to maintain a relationship that brought me nothing but pain. I still wish I had a good mother, but I know I am one as my adult children still talk to me and are happy, healthy, productive people. Good luck.
More on this sm - anon2
[ In Reply To ..]In rereading my post I realize I was inflamed at first. I had every reason to cut and run with my parents as they both did awful things, i.e.,refused to let me accept a full college scholarship. I was a high honor student, good girl scout kid, member of state and national honor societies, recipient of many awards. I was told I had to pay "room and board" and they took most of my pay since I was 16 and after I graduated & worked full time. They were so strict it was horrible and this is only one thing, there was verbal and physical abuse, "You are not worth the room you take up," etc. However, I honored them every chance I got. When I did well in my business I would bring them gifts and money. I held my Dad when he died, sat with my mom through all her surgeries, etc., was very good to them until the end. I am happy with myself, even though I knew I could have cut and run a long time ago. I paid for my own college after I was married. The list goes on, too much to mention here. My brothers were hateful to them and drank over it. Other friends who detached from their parents confessed to me that they have never had true "closure" and wish they had treated their parents better and you don't get a second chance after they're dead; all they said and did wrong were not important anymore. That's why I got upset. Were your parents from the depression era? Perhaps you should watch some reality films of the depression, they may make you realize what they went through or what their parents went through and treated them badly as a result; thus they treated you the way they were treated. Think hard before you harm yourself by cutting them out of your life. Examine the whole situation and good luck with it. I'm glad I have no regrets today. I am at peace. Good luck.
I'm not so sure about the regret part. - sm
[ In Reply To ..]I've heard that line many times... you'll regret it when they're gone. Or be happy that you have any mother at all. My mother had no business having children. She was horrifically emotionally abusive and continues to be so, not to just her children but to pretty much anyone in her path. She will cut into cashiers at the local convenience store, her children, her spouse, doesn't matter who a person is, my mother will criticize, embarrass and humiliate. My brother has had one long emotional roller coaster of a life because he felt he needed some sort of relationship with his mother. He's had 3 horrible marriages and countless bad relationships with women... all of whom had personalities that resembled our mother's controlling, critical, abusive temperament. I have to believe his relationship with mom has a lot to do with that. I, on the other hand, was lucky to recognize toxic at a very young age. I left home 3 days after high school graduation and kept my distance from her. Today she is an 80 year old woman with no friends and children who don't want to go near her.
My father, on the other hand, was a very gentle, loving man. I thank God that I was close to him, because he protected me from her and made sure I still had self-respect, even though my mother was constantly ripping into me. He passed away in 1983, and I've seen very little of my mother since then. Oh, and when I do, she always brings up my father, all these years after his death, complaining about him and saying awful, hateful things about him. His sister told me years after his death that he remained in the marriage because he knew if they divorced, she would end up with custody and he would not be there to protect us.
When my mother is gone, I will not regret not having a relationship with her. As a mother myself of two wonderful, loving young men, I know what it takes to be a good mother. My mother was not a good mother. She was not a good wife, good friend, good daughter, good anything that involved anyone but herself. I don't know why that is, and I don't really care. I didn't grow up with a good mother as an example, but I managed to be a really great mother. My mother did grow up in the depression, but I've know many people who grew up then, including my father, who were not mean and hateful. Whatever my mother's reasons for being so abusive, I just don't care. Had I maintained a relationship with her, I would have been dragged into her negative, horrible world, the way my brother was. Her evil vibes would have infiltrated my family, my children. No. Toxic people are just that. Poisonous. There's no reason to keep drinking the poison. It's not healthy.
Sad but true - Everyone deserves peace
[ In Reply To ..]Some people just have no business having children. Many children never forget but do learn from their parents' mistakes so that they become better parents than what they had as children. When you are successful at doing this, you and your family deserve a happy peaceful life. If an evil parent prevents that from happening, you have to put a stop to it. My mother actually tried to convince my daughters to drop out of high school, not go to college because it was a "waste of money for women," and to get married and pregnant so they would not have to "worry about working." Okay, I could accept that as her mentality that I could not change, but when you start lying and stealing from my family and accusing them of horrid things that simply never happened, they are very toxic and destructive and do not deserve to be part of my family. This is sad but true and I actually feel kinda sorry for her but like I said, I am not the one who can change it.
No regrets, no need for closure - enough pain already
[ In Reply To ..]My dad was mean to me his whole life. I was the eldest of 4 kids. I got married at 16 just to get out of his control. He considered his kids important as tax deductions and once that was over, so were we. He had 5 grandkids and only met one of them because one sister kept trying to have a relationship with him. He never expressed the slightest desire to meet the rest. Now that he's dead I don't regret a thing. My kids sometimes rag on me because they didn't get to meet him, so I point out most of their cousins didn't either and its because we LOVED our kids and didn't want him to cause them the kind of pain he caused us. All the closure I need is knowing he'd dead and can't be mean to anyone else - because he was horribly, bullying mean to every family member he had, including his own parents and siblings. His reign of terror is over, and good riddance!
cut and run - Lynda
[ In Reply To ..]Not depression era parents. They were born in the 1940s. My dad died when I was 8. There are 3 of us. I am the middle one. I have an older sister and a younger brother. Months after my dad died she moved us hundreds of miles away from where we had grown up and all of my dad's family. We grew up in government housing living on government money. She was an adult that lived with us, but did nothing to raise us. She was a very cold woman never showing any affection toward us girls. Never cooking, rarely cleaning, and all my clothes could fit into 1 drawer. I never saw a doctor or a dentist. So no college for us. It never even was mentioned as a possibility. We just were not brought up with that mind set that we could have a future. Desperate for any kind of affection, I got pregnant twice by age 16. The 2nd pregnancy "embarrassed" her even though she did not have a single friend and I was thrown out, but she kept my firstborn. Forced by her to give my daughter up to move back home I was broken. I worked 2 jobs and went back to school to support my daughter still living with her. I got married and moved away. I will not go into the rest of what it was like living with her here. Suffice it to say I have never met a more negative person in my life. I do not regret cutting ties and leaving that toxic relationship. I do regret not having a real mom.
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