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Friendships
Posted: Mar 10, 2017
If anyone wants to comment on this I would appreciate what people have to say or if you have had similar experiences. This has been going on for a long time but I needed to vent. I have known someone for years who I used to consider to be one of my best friends. We did quite a bit together, chatting on the phone, sharing e-mails, going out for lunch, shopping, the usual "girl" stuff that people do with their friends. For quite a while, though, I have been the one who always (as in 100% of the time) tries to make plans, calls, texts, and e-mails. My friend cancels at the last minute or when I ask has a reason (excuse?) why she can't go or says she will let me know and never gets back to me, which is what recently happened. Then when I e-mailed a couple of days in advance and tried to get her to commit to a time and place, she accused me of getting mad and told me to go ahead and make other plans. I had to stop calling her at home because her husband hangs up on me or yelled at me last time and told me not to call there anymore. I e-mail quite frequently, newsy notes to let her know what's happening with me but those go unanswered 9 times out of 10. Then when we do go places, she sees people she knows from her church and table hops, leaving me to sit there by myself waiting for her to come back, or in the mall or wherever she will engage in a conversation with someone she knows for 10 or 15 minutes, leaving me to wait. She won't let me come to her house to pick her up, we always have to meet somewhere. She asked me on very short notice to knit some Christmas gifts for some of her family members, asked how much I charged which was cheap to begin with, and then short changed me. I think it's obvious that this friendship is over and I've decided not to e-mail again which is all I could do as my other means of communication have been blocked except texting but it's difficult to have a conversation like that. I'm not a social butterfly and I stink at small talk so only have a few close friends, but I hate to see this one end, we've known each other forever. When I try to get this out in the open, things get twisted and I'm made to feel as if I'm the one at fault. She never shares much either and the whole thing is pretty one-sided but I feel awful everytime I get blown off and guilty because I don't know what I have done.
She's retired and very involved with her church and I'm still working full-time and very involved at her church. I guess she's busy but it doesn't take that long to pick up the phone once in a while to say hi or even acknowledge my email to say "thanks" and let me know that she read it. It's obvious that her husband hates me, I don't know why, but he's very controlling and has some issues so he could be the one behind this. Her adut granddaughter also lives with them and that's another can of worms.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent, have a good day everyone.
;
Friendship? Uh, no - Diane
[ In Reply To ..]Your story is very sad to me, because it seems this "friend" has been stepping all over you in every way possible. She is not a friend. I had a childhood friend with whom I grew up with. As kids we were inseparable, but as we got older things began to change. She became very distant, cold, and left me behind to establish new friendships with others. I took this for about 2 months and then stopped contacting her. She never blinked. We were 17 years old at that time. About 40 years ago, I called her. She had gotten married, had 3 kids, and was building a house. I had also gotten married, had no children yet, and we were building a house. She seemed surprised and a bit happy to hear from me, as it had been about 8 years, so I asked her if I could visit, as she only lived about 10 miles away. We made plans to get together at her house the next week. Then, the night before I was to visit her at her home, she called giving me the excuse that she and her mother-in-law were going shopping at a mall out of town for her son's school clothes, so she wouldn't be home. At that time I worked a weekly schedule that changed every week and my new work schedule was not due to come out until Saturday. I told her that when I had my new schedule I would call her so we could make a new time to get together. She agreed. However, after I hung up the phone I had the feeling that this excuse went way deeper than it appeared, so I decided to not call her back the next week to see if she called me. That was in 1977. Never heard a word. I didn't need a house to fall on me to get the message. There is an old saying "you can't go back again". There is also another one: "a person will come into your life for a reason. When that reason is fulfilled they will leave. It may be for a day, a week, a year or a lifetime, but when the reason or reasons they were sent to you is no more, they will go on their way, and you are to let them go." I live by that to this day. It has saved me a lot of disappointment and sadness. I suggest you let this person disappear from your life. She has treated you horribly from what I have read. No one needs a so-called friend such as this. You sound very considerate, thoughtful, and caring. Another person will come along for you to be true friends with and they will appreciate and value your friendship. This other person most definitely does not. Good luck to you with this, and God bless.
Happened to me recently too - **
[ In Reply To ..]She wasn't a life-long friend, but she was a friend. I tried to keep the friendship going, but I was the one always initiating emails, etc. Back in December I finally decided to just let her go, and I haven't heard from her since. If she contacts me, great. If not, oh well.
Thank you - Dazed and confused
[ In Reply To ..]Thanks to both of you. I know this kind of thing happens and I held out hope much longer than I should have, it is not a healthy relationship. Apparently I did need to have a house fall on me.
:-)
My Take - see msg
[ In Reply To ..]I'm not clear on if the entire relationship prior was more 2-way, or if you were always the one initiating, but it's clear now that she has been trying to separate herself from you (for whatever reason), and I think you need to take that very blunt "hint."
I'm sorry this happened to you. This has happened to me, and I'm just left with my mouth open wondering what the heck happened. I have chosen to just move on and continue to make new friends.
My very best to you.
Former long time - friend.
[ In Reply To ..]We'd known each other since our kids were toddlers. As the kids got older we talked less and less but would still meet for lunch or dinner now and then and pick up where we left off. A span of time had gone by, she was traveling a lot and I was busy too. One day she called laying on thick how much she missed our friendship and we needed to get together to catch up, I miss you, etc., etc.
She insisted we get together for dinner the very next night, my night off and she would pick me up around 7. "Can't wait." blah, blah, blah.
Made sure I was ready, had dinner prepared for my husband and son and then I sat and waited, and waited and waited. It got to be way after 7 o'clock so I texted her that I was getting hungry. Her text back was a four-letter word and that she was SO sorry she had completely forgot!!
Um, What!! After all the 'miss you' talk and insisting on a girl's night out and she completely forgot. Just not that important to her I guess.
There were other incidents and history that added up to a final conclusion that we were done, or I was done. That was four years ago and I've not talked to her since. What a relief.
Another long story, but I've since divorced another friend (a few year friendship)too.
Life is short. Your friends are supposed to add to your life, make you laugh and feel cared about. If they don't? Bye-bye.
Let it - go
[ In Reply To ..]I think we have all faced this situation at some time. Your friendship is over, just accept it. Not worth worrying about. Over time, people change; that is all that has happened here.
Is there a chance that it is...SM - Old Anon
[ In Reply To ..]her husband who is keeping her away from her friends, especially since he hangs up on you and yelled at you not to call there anymore; and also since you are not allowed to go to her house? Maybe he has a problem (mental/social); and you do not know what is going on in her personal/home life, and she is hiding this. In any event, it sounds like there is no "friendship" left for whatever reason, so best to let it go like the other posters are saying. My only advice to you, and please don't take this the wrong way, is not to come on too strong in any new friendships, like frequent emailing, calling, inviting out on social occasions, etc. Go easy so as not to overwhelm a new friend.
Happened to me too, but this one thing still bothers me. - Lost a buddy.
[ In Reply To ..]Same story here. I became the only one initiating phone chats, etc. Then, a phone message was not returned, then another one not returned. Third time, one of the kids answered, and I heard the husband say "Just tell her she's not home." Oh, boy. I waited a week and left a message again. It's over now. But I wonder about the husband. I always felt my friend kept something from me. I'm sorry your friendship is over too, but yeah, it's over.
Friendships - uniquemonique
[ In Reply To ..]I am so sorry you are going through this. I've had a similar experience. Had a really good friend for years and then it was like she disappeared. Reached out to her several times and nothing. We finally saw each other again at the funeral of a mutual friend and talked but it wasn't the same. the odd thing was that her mother asked me to promise I would stay in touch with her, so she could be dealing with depression or something.
In your situation, it sounds like the husband has a lot to do with it. Don't beat yourself up about this. I know it hurts, but trust me it is nothing you have done.
It used to bother me that I didn't have alot of friends, but I realized it didn't matter. I have friends I see a few times a year, one I see weekly, and that's fine.
Keep your chin up and have a great day!
Friends - slow leaner
[ In Reply To ..]I have/had a friend whom I met officially at work almost 20 years ago. I had know OF her for years but she is older and moved out of our area and then back. We really hit it off and when she left the company we still stayed friends. We got together a lot, went to the movies, out for lunch, etc. It started subtly where she would turn whatever conversation we were having to all about her. Her oldest daughter's wedding was a sh t show and I listened over and over again to the details and read angry emails they sent to each other and tried to be supportive, which is what friends are supposed to do. My dad died around this time, and she was pretty supportive because she had worked with my dad for awhile, but I went to her house the week after his memorial service and I just wanted to talk about him. She said, "Can we talk about something else?" Really...? I let it go because I guess I was so stunned. Then my oldest son got married....nothing from her. She didn't ask how things went...nada. My daughter got married a year later and the same thing...radio silence. I was the only one to ever make contact or plans by this time. She asked me one time what had happened between us and I told her it seemed the only time she made an effort was when she and her husband were fighting or she needed something. She apologized but nothing really changed. Then all of a sudden, she found out her husband was cheating on her. Then she needed me to listen again, which I did. I guess I'm a slow learner, because as soon as she and her hubby reconciled, contact was near zero because I stopped making the effort anymore and she hasn't needed me for anything. My husband told me after all this that he was glad we weren't friends anymore because he hated how I let her use me as a doormat. I DO still miss the friend I worked with...not the person she turned into. But I have moved on. I have friends who have my back. Sometimes you just have to let go and find people who appreciate YOU.
Takers and Givers - Keepinitreal
[ In Reply To ..]Having read all these posts, first let me say to the OP that I am sorry that a friendship you enjoyed is now over. I have had a couple different situations regarding friends as well. I lived next door to a woman and we became friends. We had a lot in common and enjoyed fun times. It was especially nice since we lived next door to each other and could visit and do things often. She had never been married and I had been and had two children. Over time I could see many selfish traits coming out which bothered me, but I just kept it inside. Our outings were always what she wanted and where she wanted to go. She dated a lot and her relationships never lasted long. I began to see why. She was very controlling and self-centered. No wonder why she had never been married. I moved to another house in the same town. I would invite her over for dinner and she would come over, scarf her food down, then jump on my computer and start doing internet dating for the rest of the time. I cleaned the kitchen and then sat and watched TV while she did this. When she went out of town she asked me to come over twice a day to feed her cats and clean the litter box. This was about a 30 minute drive one way, which I did, many, many times in fact. After I moved if she called me on my cell and I didnt answer because I was unavailable, when I did call back she would chastise me as to why I didnt answer the phone. Inevitably many times I just could not. I might have been working, going to the bathroom, taking a shower, etc. But I would get the third degree if I did not answer her right away. She also did this to the men she was dating. If they did not answer her call, she got furious and went off on a tangent, saying there was no reason why he couldnt answer her. I said maybe he stepped out or was outside talking to a neighbor, you just cant assume why someone cannot take your call. One day when I couldnt take her call she left me a voicemail giving me crap because I didnt answer her. When she called again later and I answered she tore into me again. I lost it. I told her I did not have my phone velcroed to my chest so I could answer every single call she made to me. A week or so later she showed up at my door and apologized. She explained that some people are givers and some are takers, and she herself was a taker, meaning she wants it all her way, period. I told her that going forward if I could answer her call I would, but if not there was a reason for it. I thought everything was good for awhile. But slowly over time she began doing it again. Then, I had to have a scheduled hysterectomy. I had asked her, since I had gone over and taken care of her cats many times, if she would be able to take me to the hospital and pick me up the next day. But oh no, she was going to her boyfriend's house that weekend (surgery was on Monday) and wanted to stay an extra day, so she would not be available to help me out. Fortunately, another friend who lived an hour and a half away wholeheartedly agreed to drive down and take me and then drive back and pick me up the next day. That showed me who a tried and true friend is. She didnt even come and visit me while I was off work for a week recovering. For five years I had celebrated her birthday by baking her a cake and giving her a gift. When my birthday came around....nada. The last straw was a week after my last birthday. She dropped by and said "Oh, I missed your birthday. Maybe I will take you out and buy you a hot dog sometime." That was the straw that broke my back. I completely shunned her and have had nothing to do with her since.
True friendships are based on giving and taking, sharing and caring, and being there for one another through thick and through thin. As much as we may try and keep the friendship alive, it is dead if it is one-sided. It is better to let go and move on.
Sorry for the ramble, this just hit home for me. The bottom line is that takers are just that. They take. They do not value others, only themselves. At least your life will be better with the good friends you have or will meet. Good luck to you!!!
To everyone - Dazed and confused
[ In Reply To ..]Thank you to everyone for your kind comments, it feels better to know that many of us have been there. This latest behavior is recent, over the years the friendship has been reciprocal and as someone hinted, the husband is probably behind some of it but he used to like me too, or so I thought. Maybe there were signs before that I missed or chose to ignore, time to move on.
Thank you for posting - Thought it was only me
[ In Reply To ..]Of late I have stopped initiating conversations and my friends circle has reduced to just 4! after a couple of weeks of silence, these 4 contacted me asking if all was well !
now i know who my true friends are!