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Was I too harsh?
Posted: Oct 24, 2016
My friend had previously had 3 dogs. She got divorced. Her ex said he couldn't take any of them. Then, she got remarried and shortly after that, one by one took each of the dogs to the shelter. The first one because she needed special food for a condition and they couldn't afford it. The dog bit someone at the shelter (probably because she was scared, she was never like that before) and the shelter said she could either come get the dog or they would put her down. She didn't go get her. The second dog had a tumor and they couldn't afford to get it taken care of so they took her to the shelter and she says this one ended up getting adopted. The third dog was taken because he was getting old and needy and he was killed. I kept my mouth shut through each of these instances. A few months after taking the last dog to the shelter, they get another dog. I again kept my mouth shut even though I wanted to question why they thought they could afford this dog when they couldn't afford the other ones. Now, they just moved to a new place and the dog chewed through his kennel while they were out, so they put an ad on craigslist to give him away because they didn't want him destroying the new place. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut this time. I told her that they really need to stop getting pets because they obviously aren't prepared to make a lifetime commitment to an animal and that they are living creatures and not just a disposable item. I know she is pissed at me. She told me that I should really try to be more supportive and not make her feel worse than she already does. This is just a topic I feel very strongly about. I have two cats who are very high maintenance, have most certainly done destructive things to places I have lived, and are pretty expensive. I've had to give one of them medication twice a day for the entire time I have had him and I am flat broke, so it's not like my situation financially is any different from hers. Sometimes it is hard and I know how much easier things would be if I didn't have them, but I could not imagine giving them up. I made a commitment to them for their life and I am not going to go back on that. I sent her a text after I got off the phone with her saying I would try to be more supportive and that I was sorry she was having a hard time and I hoped things got better, but that I think we should avoid that particular topic in the future. She hasn't responded so I know she is pissed off. Sorry for the long rant, but was I too harsh? Thanks, any comments are appreciated!;
No - But...
[ In Reply To ..]I would have thought long and hard about a more subtle way of stating your opinion so that she had to focus on her amoral way of treating her pets rather focusing on being angry at you for calling her out on it. How about: "Could I ask what meds you take to help you sleep? They must be great as I'm sure most people would toss and turn in misery when thinking about what happened to all their pets...." or some variation thereof.
Signed,
Daughter and daughter-in-law of a couple of super passive-aggressive women!
I never think of clever things to say like that at the time - Me
[ In Reply To ..]I just keep my mouth shut and then explode when I can't take it anymore. She just replied to my text. The people brought the dog back because their other dog didn't get along with him. Don't know what they are going to do with him now.
Same. - Pressure cooker, kaboom. sm
[ In Reply To ..]I tend to let loose and say the wrong thing, but people know exactly how I feel then. As for your original issue, no I do not think you were too harsh, but putting a little distance between you two may save you some heartache later on. Sadly, having worked for a veterinarian, I learned that too many people do not consider pets as part of the family. Lost count how many people called and asked us to euthanize an older dog or cat just because they got a new puppy/kitten (our policy was to always refuse these requests). BTW, thanks for taking such good care of your pets.
To OP: Well-said - Cluny
[ In Reply To ..]No, you weren't too harsh. You were honest and direct. I can only hope that I would have had the guts to express myself the way you did.
As you said, pets are a lifelong commitment and a person should be prepared to take on that commitment. They're like children and they deserve "forever" families.
I'm betting she knows she's in the wrong. Let her stew. She will probably come around.
Me? I would tell her off in no uncertain terms and not - give a flying rat blank SM
[ In Reply To ..]and not care if I lost her as a friend or not. I dont need friends like that.
I despise and loathe people like that, and went through a summer of caring for a beautiful cat the neighbors dumped outside all summer, we fed and cared for him, they knew it, and lied about helping with food, etc, they were getting a house and would take him back, etc, etc.
Lying, two-faced, fake, worthless, irresponsible pieces of trash I dont need in my life like my neighbors or your dog-abandoning person.
Thanks everyone - Me
[ In Reply To ..]Thanks for making me feel better and making me realize I did the right thing by speaking up. I just can't understand people who dump their pets because of whatever crap reason they think they have.
I'm sitting here right now with my one baby sleeping in the shelf on my desk that I have to keep completely clear or he will just pull whatever is in there out and throw it on the floor because it is his spot and how dare I put something there. The other one is dead center in the middle of the bed and no he won't move when I come to bed, my husband and I will just squeeze in next to him. Yes, they are both extremely spoiled and that's okay by me.
They both are rescues. The 12-year old was thrown out of a moving car in a plastic bag when he was about a year old and is deathly afraid of the sound of plastic now. The 6-year-old was left by his previous owner in our old neighborhood and he climbed up the window screen to meet us when we first moved there. Before we took him, he was abused by neighborhood children (shot by a BB gun and who knows what else). I figure they deserve to be spoiled now to make up for the first part of their lives. Anyway, thanks again for your responses!
Harsh? - sickened
[ In Reply To ..]Too harsh? She's lucky I'm not her "friend." No you weren't too harsh, let her be pissed. Had it been me, I would have spoke up the first time. This is an extremely sore subject with me and she certainly does not deserve or need to acquire another animal, even a hamster.
Harsh - Backwoods Typist
[ In Reply To ..]You were not harsh at all. Your friend should value you for being honest and direct, and she probably realizes that she is in the wrong. Hopefully, this animal will find a good home. What state is this in, if I may ask? There are plenty of rescues out there that would probably be willing to take her current dog. I happen to know few in my area and may be able to give you a few names.
Hopefully after this unfortunate animal is out of her household, your friend and her new hubby will not get another one. If she does, I would not hesitate to call her out on it because that animal will likely end up like the others. If she wants something to cuddle and smooch on, get her a stuffed animal.
I made commitments to my fur kid and scaly kid that I would be there for them until the end. I was there until the end for one already, holding him as he took his last breaths. Animals are not disposable items. They are living, breathing beings with feelings and do better as part of the family. Bad behaviors can be dealt with by training, but some expect the dog to train itself or for it to have no bad behavior to begin with.
Long story short, some people just do not need to have animals.
I agree 100% with your thoughts and feelings about this - sm
[ In Reply To ..]Since I was not there when you talked to her, I don't know how your message was delivered. It's not that I would be concerned so much about her and her feelings per se, but I have often found that in addition to being direct, gently offering an alternative is even more effective than if I just tell someone their behavior is bad. I would dread having to have a conversation like that with a friend. Since my focus would be on protecting other animals from being adopted and later abandoned by her, I might suggest to her that shelters often welcome volunteers who want to come by and walk, play with, or pet the dogs and cats. That way she can fulfill any desire (warped in her case though it may be) to enjoy the company of an animal without leaving the poor creature vulnerable to her irresponsible whimsy. This also solves the problem of financial responsibility, as she would not have any.
It's so hard to understand the way your friend thinks about animals. I so dearly love mine and can't imagine ever parting with them until the end, no matter what the difficulty.
Good for you that you were able to speak up on behalf of defenseless animals. Hopefully, she takes time to reflect on what you said and makes the decision to forgo anymore pets. You may have been the only person who was willing to enlighten her about her callous behavior.
I really dont understand how anyone can dislike any of the - responses to this post who agree SM
[ In Reply To ..]with being harsh.
What is wrong with your head? People who treat animals like disposable gloves deserve to be raked over the coals and worse.
How about a big fat DIS LIKE for you who dislikes any of the agreements?
I disliked the response entitled "No, but... " - sm
[ In Reply To ..]not because I disagree with the overall consensus that the OP's friend was wrong and she should have been confronted, but because I don't favor passive aggression. I prefer when people say what they mean and mean what they say.
Odd how her skin is so thick she can dump - those poor dogs at the pound, -
[ In Reply To ..]but so thin she's willing to end a friendship just because you questioned her reasons for getting another dog (which she also dumped.)
Either she's extremely thoughtless, or else there's something seriously mentally wrong with her. Losing her as a "friend" is probably a blessing in disguise.
I though you were too nice - Actually
[ In Reply To ..]To think of the faces and the little broken hearts is way too much for me. So, so mean. I am sorry, but there is no excuse for her. That is animal neglect. I think you deserve a better friend than her and so do her animals.
no you were not too harsh - former bird breeder
[ In Reply To ..]I used to breed "pocket parrots", small sized versions of the Amazon parrots called Parrotlets. One of the problems of having a small bird that will talk to you and snuggle with you is that people would let them snuggle down in the front pocket of their shirts while watching TV and fall asleep. More than one person came to me crying after they accidentally killed their pet by rolling on top of it. I had a firm policy - no second chances, at least not with my birds. Since I was on the board of the society for this breed of birds, I would alert the other board members and other breeders in my area know and essentially black list that person.
I did not try to make the person feel bad, but I was bluntly honest about how I felt. It was my opinion that if I warned you not to let this happened and you did it anyway, I'm very sorry for your loss, but you cannot be trusted to behave in a responsible manner. Call me back in 10 years or so and we can reevaluate your maturity level then, but in the meantime, I could not sell them another bird to replace their pet.
You did the right thing, and if you really feel as deeply as what you told your "friend", you may want to re-think having that person as a "friend" until and unless they can prove themselves to be worthy of being a pet owner.
I'm sorry you are in this position. I am so glad you alerted this person to the need to think differently about pet ownership.
Thanks again everyone for the replies - OP
[ In Reply To ..]I appreciate the words of support!
Not harsh at all. I honestly don't think I could be friends with - a person like this. I'm serious.
[ In Reply To ..]nm
You were right to say something. - twm22
[ In Reply To ..]She deserved to hear the truth. Those animals suffered because of what she did. She doesn't need pets. I wouldn't have apologized. Thank you for telling her. If she felt bad then she should.