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Enough is enough
Posted: Aug 24, 2016
Fiance's ex-wife is once again stirring up trouble. She called his parents to complain that we would not give her more money. His child support comes out of his paycheck. He also pays her twice a month for babysitting fees (his son is going into 7th grade). We found out he has not gone to a baby sitter last summer or this summer. She is using the money to go out and drink. We can't seem to scrape enough money to take her back to court. Fiance's parents ALWAYS back up the ex-wife. I have heard it's not about us but about "the boy." I COULD JUST SCREAM. He has not seen his dad since Christmas. His ex sees to that. I don't have any more emotiional strength to deal with this dysfunction. Living alone would be a lot less drama. Going to sit down tonight and tell him I do non want anymore mention of her name or his son in my space. His parents are coming up next month for a weekend and I already informed him that I dont think I can handle being around them. I feel like I have wasted time and energy when fiance does not feel the need to confront ex. I don't have a problem with the child being first but draw the line when the ex factors in. So sick of her trying to run our house as well as hers. I have asked him repeatedly NOT to share with her what goes on here. I am glad he is working 12 hours today so that I can think this out. the ex has been meddling for 7 years and I am FED UP. Can't figure out why she calls his parents instead of calling here. Where is the logic here?
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you are right - lots of dysfunction there
[ In Reply To ..]beginning with you.
You lit my fire with your statement: "Going to sit down tonight and tell him I do non want anymore mention of her name or his son in my space."
How more selfish could you be? HE should be kicking YOU to the curb! To come between a dad and his son is just plain WRONG!
If this dysfunction has been going on for seven years, do you really think it is going to change after you marry the guy? But wait, you have been with him SEVEN YEARS!! He has no motivation to marry you! You're giving the milk away for free and then you want him not to talk about his son in YOUR space?
OMG! I could crawl through my firewall to throttle you, but thank goodness I can't.
As long as you allow it, nothing is going to change. If you try to put a stop to him talking about his son in your space, that makes you less than pond scum in my opinion. He is weak. You are weak. The in-laws are weak. The ex-wife is manipulative. I would need hip waders to walk around in your house the dysfunction is so deep there.
Geesh! Do the family a favor and leave him!
enough - katem
[ In Reply To ..]oops, to "you are right", posted under you, meant to post under the OP. My apologies.
Enough - katem
[ In Reply To ..]Sorry, not going to back you up on this one. You have no say in the matter. It is between your boyfriend (because that's what he is) and his ex. I speak from experience. Drama needs to be taken out of the equation, it does not help. You can be supportive, but not destructive. I speak from experience. It really IS about the child, so the less dysfunction you can maintain in your household, the better for the child. I certainly hope that this kind of talk doesn't happen in front of the child. NEVER ever ever say anything negative about the mother in front of the child. Your boyfriend sounds like a good father, willing to work 12 hours to support his child. A lot of "I"s in your post. It probably is a good thing that the grandparents act as a go-between.
Where is the logic. - Here it is
[ In Reply To ..]This boy is in 7th grade. He is going to need support for some time to come, even after he is 18. And it gets more and more expensive. You do not want mention of his ex or his son in your presence, and you cannot handle his parents coming to visit. Logically speaking, none of this is going to work. This child will ALWAYS be his son. FOREVER! His mother will always be his mother, forever, and his parents will be his parents forever. If this is more than YOU can handle, you need to move on and save everyone a lot of heartache. I understand about exes. Been there, done that. I stayed out of every single discussion between my husband and his ex. She tried to coax me into discussion about their children but I would not participate. I could not be blamed for one thing that went on between those two and THEIR children. I did not mind her calling, but when there was conflict, I just said you will have to talk to him and handed him the phone. I voiced NO opinion at all. You would be wise to do the same. Heed the advice given to you above. Conflict only exists if 2 people participate. Telling your "fiancé" not to mention his son's name in your space is the last thing in this world you should have done. I don't know how old you are, but it sounds like you have some growing up to do.
Are you really sure you want to marry into - all this turmoil?
[ In Reply To ..]/
Clearly the parents love the first wife and have no use for you - The sooner you get out the better
[ In Reply To ..]The in-laws obviously want a reconciliation between their son and his ex-wife. They will never regard you with anything but dislike, and do their level best to undermine you. They think of you as the reason that their son's marriage could not be worked out, even though you are probably blameless.
I beg of you, get out of this situation. There is something good for you in the future with somebody else who does not have an ex-wife and children.
I have always thought how blessed I have been to have plenty of sisters who would always give me the benefit of their opinions when I was headed in a direction that was not good for me and the advice was always sound. (I did the same for them.) Think of us your MT sisters, I do not think there is one of us who would wish you to stay in this situation. It is no good, it will never be good.
I Think - See msg
[ In Reply To ..]I have to say, I get tired of people keeping themselves in situations they can't change, but keep trying to change it or the other person. You aren't going to change this man or any of these people. In my head, you're just as dysfunctional (maybe more) than the rest of them.
You're a control freak and it's not working. To boot, you are playing the martyr. I'm not saying these people are okay, but you need to look to change yourself instead of everyone else.
A little soul-searching with a good therapist might help give you some peace and help you understand why you are hell bent on staying in this situation, then make you healthy enough to see you need to get out of it.