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Talked about this before with sister

Posted: Feb 3, 2016

I have come to the decision finally to take the advice of every therapist I have ever seen. I am breaking ties with my family to completely avoid my sister. She has mental issues, is mean, nasty and narcissistic. She flew all over me again today, and once again is refusing to speak to me. She told me off with text messages. How convenient. She refuses to let me air my feelings to her on the phone. I know this would be impossible anyway. I have joined a group at a church I attend called the Alpha Class. This explores spirituality, and they seat you with people closest to your age and provide dinner at each meeting. This will give me a chance to meet some of the people, as the church is very large. I think it seats 1500 people per service. They have 2 services on Sunday morning.

My sister has ruined my relationship with my stepfather. He was the closest person on earth me. We did things together, I took care of him, cooked, cleaned, etc. Her dysfunction and screaming at his new girlfriend (whom I do not like) did it. She called his house calling the woman a whore. She and my nieces caused a rukus over his will, and he cut all of us off across the board. We were not even told he was ill, and any time he was in the hospital we did not even know. I found out by accident when my friend ran into him one time. He had been in the hospital for 8 days that time with CHF. He died January 17. We were not even mentioned in the obituary.

I have found, through help from a good friend, a support group for grieving at a church, and I am attending that starting February 22. I have so many emotions at this point I don't even know how to think. My sister has ruined my family, and does nothing but scream at me. She will admit to nothing. I am trying to hang on, but I don't know if I can.

I know some of you responded to my posts before, stating you have a sibling or family member who also has personality disorder and narcissism. How do you handle the anger when you cannot be heard? She poisons my nieces and tells them horrible things about me, and they just take up for their mother.

Thank you in advance.

;

Move on - keep living

[ In Reply To ..]
I have a relative who thinks so much of herself that it's hard to give her a genuine pat on the back when something is done well because she so very much expects it anyway. I'll always be in contact with her, but that doesn't mean I have to go out of my way for it. It's not the same as your family, but you can do something similar. Just live your life. If you don't have to see these people, then don't. Don't call, don't write, don't text, don't return calls or texts. They cause you a level of stress that's not worth it, adds nothing to your life, doesn't add anything to theirs either. Just keep distant from them. It won't take effort on your part... just don't respond to them. If you have to, change your phone number and don't tell them what it is. If it gets too wild and crazy when they realize you're ignoring them, consider if moving is an option. These people are toxic, and you don't need that. If they ever grow up and realize that you're not so bad, maybe they'll come around, and then you can decide whether to continue contact. Until then, just live your life without them. Sorry, by the way, for the loss of your stepfather. How sad to have things go that way.

Moving On - HappyGirl

[ In Reply To ..]
I had to break away from my mom and sisters a few years ago for my own health and well being. My mother was and is a very verbal and emotionally abusive woman. My sisters are very much on her side with anything and everything. I also went to counseling for several years to try and work on myself and dealing with them, but in the end the counselor and I decided it was time to break away from them.

The thing he told me that I have never forgotten and that got me though it was this: If you would not let friends talk to you and treat you this way, why would you let your mother and sisters? Just because they have a title, does not mean that you have to subject yourself to the abuse for a lifetime. They're titles and if you look at them on the same field as a friend, you CAN walk away and not feel bad about it. You need to be at peace and happy with your life, do not let them take your freedom and happiness away any longer.

Once I came to that realization that he was right, I did what I had to do and broke away, and I will tell you that I felt the weight fly off me. I had the best holiday season and time with my own husband and children like we hadn't had in years and years. It was the most liberating thing I've done and I've never looked back.

You can and should do it for yourself, your health and your happiness. You'll be amazed at how good it feels, but you have to be ready to do it, don't let anyone force you into anything.

Forgot to mention that I am alone - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
I have no family of my own. Not even a boyfriend to lean on. I know that should not be an excuse, but it certainly does not help. She will punish me by not speaking for months and months on end, and then around the Holidays will call and say "What do you want for Christmas?" That shows the depth of her dysfunction. To her it is normal to live this way. I have let her ruin my life, and I can't do that any longer.

Thanks so much for the responses and advice. I appreciate the sympathy extended in the death of my stepfather. It is more painful than I ever imagined.

Being - Alone

[ In Reply To ..]
I too am all alone. I had an abusive (verbally and physically) mother, as well. She would say horrible things to me and when confronted with them, would say that she never said them. She lied to make herself look good and me the bad person. At the age of 60, I disconnected from her entirely. I could not put myself through that any longer. It was such a relief, and day by day, the guilt lessened. But I am alone, and that is okay. I was married twice. The first husband was also quite abusive physically and we divorced after 13 years and three children later. He remarried, but he was not happy. He took his own life 10 years ago now, devastating my boys, who still loved their father deeply. I remarried as well, but he decided after 6 years of marriage and 20 years of being "friends" that he wanted another woman and left me, unemployed, and 1300 miles away from MY home. I divorced him and found a job doing MT work. I eventually saved enough money to move back to my home state and close to my sons. He married the person he left me for, but he passed away from cancer 2 years ago. So I am totally alone, and that is okay. I built a "family" with friends who are closer to me than my own mother and ex husbands were, and of course my sons. I am content. I did not need them to make me happy. I built a life that I enjoyed... without the stress of having to bow down to their wills and guilt trips. You can too. Just tell yourself that you are going to be happy without them, and drop the guilty feelings. They may be blood, but that is all they are. Sometimes family is people who do not share your DNA. Get up and get going. Move yourself out of that toxic circle. You will be so much happier for it. Believe me!! Think happy thoughts and do not wallow in the past. Its over.

alone - living

[ In Reply To ..]
I'm not physically alone, more like emotionally alone. One thing I've learned over the years is that you can be lonely regardless of whether your house is full or empty. I'm "alone" but no longer "lonely". You have to adapt to your situation and/or change it. I have friends who are absolutely wonderful people, wouldn't trade them for anything. If you have friends like that, then you have a family. If you're not close to anyone, then that should change. Even one friend can put a lot of light in a dark place. Been there. I hope things get better. When you get that "holiday" phone call from your family, then just don't pick up since you know how the call will go. Time to move on and leave these dysfunctional people to prey on each other. If you're unsure how to meet new people, what do you like to do? You can find others doing the same things. Library, crafts, pets, even simply doing a morning "mall walk" will put you with others who can be part of a friendly conversation. Eventually, you'll connect with the right people. The more you start living, the more you won't have time for people who like to knock you down. :)

My Thoughts - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
How do you move on? Give up the hope that your sister is going to change. I think most people who hang on, do so out of some hope that something is going to change. You are going around in circles in your head and your emotions with this twisted, horrible sister of yours.

My other advice is to not let anyone convince you that it's okay to be abused and put up with it because she's "blood." That knocks the socks off of me.

It also knocks the socks off of me when people say to forgive her. You can't forgive someone who hasn't apologized and changed their ways. You can let go of hate without la-la forgiveness that means zippo since she cares nothing about your feelings.

You said you have nobody to lean on. Well, healthy love relationships and healthy friendships aren't built out of a need to lean on someone. First, you need to get yourself together, then it's okay to lean on someone.

I'm glad you're taking steps to "move on," but moving out of the state really won't cure your emotional health. You need to be able to be strong enough to not pick up that phone, not answer that e-mail, etc., or you could move out of state and allow yourself to be abused by someone else. Moving won't help you to mature and be strong.

I'm sorry about your stepfather, but you have to remember that he was a big boy and allowed himself to be snowed under. At any time, he could have secretly called you to see how you're doing. Maybe he was weak emotionally; it kind of sounds like it.

Best of luck to you!

Do You - Even Know

[ In Reply To ..]
what "forgiveness" is?? You do not have to have someone apologize to you for any wrongs they have committed in order for you to forgive them. The forgiveness is for you, not for them. All you have to do is surround an image of them in your mind with love. Send them love (no matter what they have done to you), and then let them go. They do not even have to be aware of what you have done, as it is for your soul and conscience, and not theirs.

I Do Know - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
See, that's what I mean. Sending someone love through the airways or through the clouds, or whatever is too mystical and la-la to me.

I am happy to report that I broke up with my parents. Of course they are not forgiven for the h*ll they put me through. But I hold no hate for them. I'm just happy to finally be free of them--in my heart and soul, not just their physical presence.

People can move on without making believe they love the other person or send them their love or whatever.

However, I suppose whatever works, as long as one doesn't continue to carry emotional baggage. One an physically break up with a toxic person and never see them again, but they also need to not carry the baggage.

Anyway, forgive is silly in this sense. It means nothing. I think it's just a way to make believe you're not angry with them.

Well - This is Your

[ In Reply To ..]
idea of "forgiveness" and you are entitled to it, but it is not forgiveness the way God intended it. Good luck to you.

I knew... - see msg

[ In Reply To ..]
...that this was the interpreted religious view point when I read your note.

I just don't want the OP to feel she has to forgive in order to move on. She is angry and quite entitled to that. However, she doesn't have to allow the anger to control her life, and she can live a very peaceful life. If someone feels like they have to FORGIVE such a horrendous person, it may very well stop them from moving on.

I agree - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
That was me for some time. I felt like I had to forgive my family before I could move on. I was going to church every week and saying "forgive those who trespass against you" and having those words stick in my throat. I wanted to forgive, but didn't know how, all the while beating myself up and feeling guilty for not being a "good christian." I finally gave up. I realized I needed acceptance, not forgiveness, to accept who they were, what happened, no matter how painful, and let it remain in the past.

Maybe you're supposed to struggle through it in order to get to the other side. I remember reading a lot at the time about how to forgive abuse, very much like what you are saying, but I wasn't ready to let go. Like it was a part of my identity as a victim. As long as I held onto the anger, I was still a victim and connected to them, afraid to be separate with my own identity apart from them.

Thanks - I tryto explain that to people

[ In Reply To ..]
...I invariably get a response like that frequently. I have a lot of peace in my life now, and never turned a backward glance at ridding myself of those horrible people. I just don't want horrible people in my life. First of all, I don't hang out with horrible friends, so why should I hang out with horrible family?

I don't harbor any hatred anymore. My life is much easier not trying to find a warm spot in my heart to forgive.

Update - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
Yesterday morning I received a text from my sister regarding a coworker of hers. I know the woman. It was a very brief one-line message, which I did not respond to. A good friend of mine has invited me to her home for Easter. I have accepted the invitation. Difficult, but this time it's finally over. No more time spent with my sister. I will, however, still attend my family's summer picnic and Christmas party. There are several great people in my family, and I will not give every one of them up because of the dysfunction of a few. Thanks again to everyone. Sharing is important and can help us deal with this situation. Just wanted to say that a friend of mine I met at the food court at the mall is an elderly gentleman with 12 siblings. He told me one time his family is extremely close, and that he gets along with every one of his siblings,, and always has. I told him what a that is. He is a great guy, and I am so happy for him. What a gift.

Sorry . . - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
End of post was to read I told him what a blessing that is.

Good for you - Carry on!

[ In Reply To ..]
If your sister starts anything at the gatherings, just walk away with a smile and start a conversation with someone else. If she continues, she will burn herself---don't argue, just smile and she will look like the bad guy, which she is.

Hang tough!

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