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Immediate Family Dynamics


Posted: Jan 27, 2016

I come from a family who were all intact, that is, no divorce or overt abuse or anything of that nature. Because of that, I think they think I got it better than I actually did. In fact, my mother believes I've had an easy life. I've always had emotional problems and was on disability until a couple of years ago and became an MT. When I was younger, if therapists asked me about my upbringing, I never thought anything was attributed to any problem with my upbringing and thought it was just a purely nature rather than nurture problem. But in recent years, and I'm middle-aged now, I see that although I didn't come from a broken home and wasn't abused, there's a lot of things I didn't get. My parents never asked me at all what was happening in school day to day, never suggested extracurricular activities (as compared to others who had a "soccer mom" or whatever), never read to me or took me to the library (my parents are immigrants), never suggested that I get a job or how to get a job when I was a teenager, or taught me anything whatsoever. My parents worked long hours at their business and I was "looked after" by my grandparents in an extended family, so no, I wasn't a latchkey kid nor from a broken home, as I previously said. On top of that, because I didn't "have to work" either, that seems to be why my mother thinks my life is easier than others, and that she always gave me what I wanted (which is basically food, shelter, and clothing). I never got any luxuries or anything but I did have basic material needs met, but the thing is nobody ever taught me how or suggested I get a job, so really, I think I got the short end of the stick. When I finally trained and got a job as an MT (even though I did go to college, but didn't know what I was doing then and didn't major in anything leading to a career), my mother asked: How much money do you make? I answer not much, about $1000 a month. She didn't hear me correctly and said $500? I repeat, $1000. My mother says, "not bad." I know saying "not bad" was meant to be supportive, but it still feels invalidating just like saying I've had an easy life is invalidating . Basically, I never had a chance to succeed in life until I got old enough to be aware and find ways to lift myself up from my own bootstraps. My sister said our family is not dysfunctional, you don't know what dysfunctional is. In summary, I'm annoyed, even a bit resentful perhaps, that my family apparently thinks they're more supportive and perfect than they are, since I've basically had to struggle all by myself.;

wow, just wow - no comment

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Huh? - Meh

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Don't know what you mean.

The day you stop. sm - Anon

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blaming your family and your upbringing for all your problems and unhappiness is the day your life will take a turn for the better. This isn't the first time you have posted your family saga here so I know it's a recurring theme in your life. I do hope you have a good counselor to talk to because you need to get put this all behind you and move on with your life. They are who they are and it is what it is, and what you do or don't do with your life tomorrow has nothing to do with them but everything to do with you.

And You Know Nothing About - Meh

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what I do with my life or what I'm attempting to do. Just because I feel invalidated as a person doesn't mean I don't try to help myself. So stop judging.

I think it is a process - SM

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That takes years. I just hate it when somebody says "just get over it and move on." Like we enjoy suffering and wouldn't be happy to just move on. It's not that easy. I am not angry with my parents or blame them anymore, but I did for a long time. I am now just more curious about my thought processes and how I got here from there, but the anger is mostly gone and it took a very many years (I'm over 50).

My parents were somewhat like yours, treated me like a doll when I was young and didn't want me to grow up. When I hit puberty, my dad started working 2 jobs and my mom kept asking my why I couldn't stay a little girl, seriously, like I committed a sin by growing up. They could not accept that I was my own person with feelings and needs, never did. My mom's favorite saying was children should be seen and not heard. That was her way of telling me to keep my mouth shut and don't bother her with my feelings or opinions.

At some point, after years of being angry, you just realize you don't want your life to be ruled by anger anymore and everybody is different in reaching that point. I did and you will too. I'm sorry some people are so quick to judge. Just try to validate your anger and your feelings, and accept it as part of the healing process and stay away from your family as best you can. It's your life, not theirs that matters. They will never give you the validation or love you need, they will never change. It's hard to accept, but it's the key.
Thanks - Meh
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At the same time, I don't think I said I was angry at my family, only that it sort of bothers me still. I know they didn't purposely try to mess me up, but didn't know any better. I surely don't agree with my mother's philosophy that not having to work for a living makes a person's life easier, and I think if one has parent/s with that philosophy and they are focused on making their child "happy" in the moment without preparing them for their future, that child is at a disadvantage. It's something I need to accept, I guess, that I will never be understood.
I essentially said the same thing. sm - Anon
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in my post that you did, but you just explained it better than I did. You mentioned that it was a process, and I mentioned a counselor. I was not judging but just using a tough love technique. I agree with all the advice you gave to Meh, and I'm glad you mentioned anger, as I do think getting rid of it is the key to moving on in a positive way.

Plenty of Goals - Meh

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And I have goals, plenty of goals. However, I do have self-discipline problems, but this isn't because I don't try. Self-discipline problem can be one of the symptoms of childhood emotional neglect(CEN). That doesn't mean I'm blaming and not taking responsibility by saying that, but just stating facts. I think I had childhood emotional neglect. Having been fed and sheltered and never been homeless doesn't mean I was tended to better than others. I'm sure if I said that I was physically and sexually abused and still had issues from it I wouldn't gotten a callous response of blaming and not taking responsibility for my life. One of my goals is to have an online affiliate marketing website. Actually, I got three websites. Registered the domains and the websites are up but no content yet. I expect to be making a lot more money from that eventually than being an MT. Someone who has an affiliate marketing website made $10,000 last month in one month and he's only been at it for about a year (he's one of the more successful ones). I expect to make about $5,000 my first year and a half (I tend to be slower to action and don't expect to make money at all for the first six months). In an additional year, I expect to make $10,000. Another year after that, I'll make $20,000. Another year after that, $50,000. Then, my ultimate goal is to make $80,000. Those are my goals which I expect to meet. But who knows? I may make more than that. But I disagree with what my family thinks about my life having been easy because I didn't have to work (they financially enabled me and didn't teach me anything). And being a "highly sensitive person", my annoyance with being misunderstood can last a long time. If being annoyed about being misunderstood and invalidated means taking no responsibility and blaming, then yes, I blame and take no responsibility. However, I do have goals and know that it's up to me. Another one of my goals is to clearly understand law of attraction, subconscious mind, and hypnosis, and to read a book a week on those things for the next 3 months as well as stuff on the Internet.

Don't Like the Fact I Have Goals? - Meh

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Don't understand the dislike.
Pay no attention - MT
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Pay no attention to the dislikes. Some people just dislike posts to get a reaction

Goals? Maybe. ISSUES? Plenty o' those. - Maybe you should seek counseling.

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nmsg
Another Naysayer - Meh
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...as I would expect from this forum. I don't deny I have issues, which may get in the way of my goals or at least make it take longer to accomplish. However, I have sought counseling many times before. I have come to the conclusion that if you've been in counseling on and off for a while and it doesn't work, maybe it just doesn't work? I think, for me at least, therapy is like the "emperor's new clothes." Many people don't even question that it may not be something that works, because it's the "standard" thing to do. I finding reading to be more helpful, informative, as well as offering more solace. And what goals do you have, may I ask?

You got the short end of the stick? - Get real.

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You really have lived a sheltered life. You "suffered by myself." You really need to get some help. This resentment toward your family is so unwarranted and misguided. Stop blaming them because your life was basically uneventful and you did not get the attention you felt you needed. Many, many kids these days would think your life was glorious and would give anything to trade places with you. You definitely need to find out what YOUR problem is. You have been looking for something grand. Have you ever heard that the little things in life really are the big things, being loved, cherished memories, etc. Good luck to you. I hope you find what you are looking for.

How Was My Life Glorious - Meh

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...compared to other kids? Were you abused perhaps and not fed? Besides, your response seems almost a non sequitur to what I was saying. You say that the little things in life are the big things, such as being loved and cherished memories, but that is precisely the things that I feel are missing. Having parents who do love you and having parents who show it adequately are two different things. I feel my parents tried to show it by asking me if I wanted to buy something, but going shopping at department store and having food isn't the only thing there is to life, and therefore doesn't make my life easy, as my family things. Those of you who don't agree that it's getting the shorter end of the stick if you have parents who never asked you what was happening in school or suggested you get a job or gave you any guidance in life yet fed and kept a roof over your head until you got on disability when you moved into a halfway house, and that it's harder to have parents who suggest that you get a job and give you guidance in how to do so and say you need to get a job and stop mooching off your parents, well, I think you don't have ambition, as I've always wanted to get ahead in life but was a lost soul with too many emotional problems when I was young.

Meaning of Short End of Stick - Meh

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I said I got short end of stick because instead of being taught anything such as suggesting I get a job or taught how to get a job, etc., I was financially enabled until I got on disability. I got no guidance basically. If it were up to me, I would prefer to have had guidance so that I could have been successful instead of just fed and sheltered and then later being invalidated, saying I had it easy. I know this is not a psychological forum but an MT forum, but I thought I'd just express myself on "Gab" section. Strange how I get no empathy, yet people who complain and blame about their MT jobs get plenty of empathy. Probably because none of you have similar experience to me.

I get what - you say

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I have a very similar experience. My parents are gone now and yes the scars live on. You pretty much deal with them head on and recognize where it comes from. I think you are doing a great job. I see so much of myself in what you said. It makes me sad that I did not have the support, but I have strong religious beliefs and that helps me. I get torn between missing them and not liking them very much.

Can Be a Symptom... - Meh

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...of a materialistic culture where parents focus on working and buying you things but don't realize that they've given you no guidance at all or help to succeed in life. And they think they're expressing their love by offering to buy you things when you visit a department store when that's not real parenting. My parents are still physically alive but I hardly see them. Never formed much of a connection, I guess. When I moved out of my family's house years ago, my sister encouraged me to keep in touch, saying "You may not care about us, but we care about you." On the surface, this sounds nice, but what my sister is really saying is that there's something wrong with me whereas my family is perfectly loving and supportive. I beg to differ with that. I had been instilled previously with the idea that I had "mental illness", but I recently learned of childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and how it's more subtle than abuse but can cause psychological problems. Instead of "blaming", I would say this knowledge has made me feel less like there's purely something wrong with me, though I am a little annoyed that my family doesn't see things my way.

I think what I - have learned

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My family will never understand what they did or did not do. It caused me a lot of problems. So yes, that is a pretty big thing to deal with. Knowing the source is a start and working on it is a challenge, but at least you know where it comes from. People can say what they want, but having a mother give support and hug you every day is a big thing. I never got that. That does leave emotional damage. When I was a little girl, every day I would go to my mom and dad before bedtime and say I love you mommy, I love you daddy. They never said I love you. I did that until I was about 11, then it stopped. I moved on in my little mind and made a lot of friends and they loved me. My parents did love me, they were just cold. You just can't help what you feel and what you did not get, but these people are still our parents and I always felt that I should show respect to them anyway. I had a lot of other people show love and support so maybe that made up for it a little.

Social Anxiety Forum - Meh

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Okay, so maybe a part of me is still a bit disgruntled about the past, which is why I Googled "my parents never taught me anything" a while back and, interestingly enough, the results are a number of forums for people with social anxiety. It seems social anxiety is a combination of nature (I'm an INFP) and nurture (parents who were maybe physically there yet weren't really there). According to the Enneagram (I'm a type 4), I feel abandoned by my parents. So I've got goals and I try to progress with my life, but when you're isolated and have social anxiety (though it is a lot better for me now), it's easy to become angry.

yes that is - rough

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Social anxiety is hard. I have that to a certain degree and try to find things that I can be a part of that are not so draining for me. If I stay home too much that can cause anger issues and bad mood issues.

Nothing To Complain About Now - Meh

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I'm glad you understand. I've actually come a long way in terms of my social anxiety. One could say as compared to before, like prior to age 30, I have nothing to complain about since my EXTREME emotional suffering is now over. I used to be SEVERELY self-conscious to the point that I couldn't function being around people or be out in public without feeling alienated and feel like there is a mask separating me from others. That's why I was on disability. Being unable to function socially = disabled, even if one is quite independent and able to handle oneself well when alone. Now, I can go out and meet people if I want. I don't feel so "different" from them or in a haze. I'm more observant and feel more connected to others and my surroundings. Whether others believe it or not, I was supposedly afflicted in my younger years from having the wrong name. My given name, according to numerology, was really bad for me and supposedly gave me a lot of problems, which is probably why I was far less aware of opportunities and was much more emotionally downtrodden than I am now. I had chronic depression too, so much so that I didn't even realize that I was depressed because there was never any contrast. I changed my given name at age 28.
My situation - moi
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Not meaning to be self-righteous or anything, but I used to blame my parents for various things, too, and saw a counselor and had some issues with social anxiety and self-esteem, etc, etc. etc. But, when I decided to become active in my church and started volunteering in various capacities, helping others, ie. like helping in the soup kitchen for the homeless and accepting each church office I was offered, then lots of things fell into place. Granted, being on an antidepressant helped greatly, too. A pastor's wife told me that the way she was raised is that every Christmas, her mother took all of her siblings and her to a nursing home, where they would sing to the residents there. I tried to shift my focus off myself to others and found that there is such a high associated with things like that. It really IS more blessed to give than receive. I know, this sounds overly simplistic, but looking back, I can see that I became much happier after my attitude change. Also, I do not believe your parents meant to shortchange you; they were probably doing the best they knew how at the time. If you can just put yourself in their place for a little while and maybe try to forgive them, that would help you a lot, too.
Comments - Meh
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I have to say I agree partly with what you say and think you're taken the high road. However, I was not able to do the things you did because my severe social anxiety prevented me from associating with people. Also, I never thought my parents shortchanged me. I only think that I was shortchanged. I think there should be mandatory parenting school for everyone. And I was blamed for my shortcomings of "giving up easily" and saying that I don't fight for my life when I was doing poorly and didn't have a job, so it's two-sided that my family and I don't understand each other. But if you have parents who focus on material things and think that makes your life easy and they don't offer encouragement or guidance, then it's not my fault that I was a mess-up until I started figuring things out on my own. I am doing things on my own.

What I have found is--sm - anon

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The longer I have been a parent, what I have found is that I really need to give my own parents and family more slack. Parenting is hard. The world changes very quickly and it is nearly impossible to know what is exactly the right thing to do. Add to that, the right thing to do can vary depending on the child. Some kids may do better being forced to have a job in high school and for some it is better if they are not, etc. My oldest child is 17 and looking back, there are things I wished I would have done differently. My mother can look back and say that she too wishes there were things she had done differently. The one thing both my mother and I have in common is that we are/were doing the best we could with the information available to us at the time.

A couple of thoughts I have when reading your post is I wonder if you realize that you are invalidating your parents by not recognizing the sacrifices and hardships they went through for you. As immigrants, your parents likely came from a very different culture and working hard at their business is what they knew they were supposed to do. All adults have to struggle to some degree and being resentful will only serve to hinder you further. There are children in this world who are suffering greatly and are exposed to so much ugliness at such a young age that would love to have had your upbringing. That does not mean you should not analyze how you got to where you are today to see what has held you back but also what has helped you move forward.

From A Child's Perspective - Meh

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I'm not a parent, so maybe that's why I can't see it from that perspective. However, you mistakenly think my issue is that I just blame my upbringing and that's what the gist of my grievance is. But I only felt annoyed after having a dismissal and invalidation of my life, saying it was easy. Then I started to have this urgeto explain how things weren't so dandy for me. And I have 2 siblings and they weren't treated with the attitude that they have an easy life. And they didn't suffer any horrors but because they were working, they got sympathy for having it hard. And may I ask what did I get that was great that I should appreciate? (I really want to know.) I disagree that I invalidate my parents because I never said their life is easy. In terms of sacrifices, I suppose I feel entitled that as parents, they're supposed to feed and shelter me, but I feel that they were also supposed to guide me to help me to feed and shelter myself, and their idea of me having it "easy" is my idea of having uninvolved parents. But maybe I am an ungrateful "child." I don't expect you to see things my way (though I admit I get a kick from garnering some sympathy). However, imagine if you're in a wheelchair and blind and can't get a job and your parents financially support you but don't take any interest in you otherwise and then say your life has been too easy and that's probably why you have problems. That would bother you, wouldn't it? So then you would start to point out that, jeez, I'm in a wheelchair and I'm blind and I never got any attention from you other than you put a roof over my head, but that doesn't mean my life is easy. No, I'm not physically disabled, but having psychological problems growing up can be just as difficult and debilitating, and to be invalidated can cause annoyance. There are visible challenges and there are invisible challenges, but if nobody asks you what's going on in your life, nobody knows about the invisible challenges, and that's what I'm saying that I never got, and why my life is interpreted as "easy."

Everything is relative. See message. - J

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Compared to me, you absolutely had it easy. I HAD to support myself since age 12 (not food and housing but everything else). I also didn't get any nurturing from my parents (one was an alcoholic). It's NO fun to HAVE to work at age 12 in order to buy your own clothes, pay for school expenses, etc. However, in retrospect, I'm actually glad I grew up like that because I appreciate the value of a dollar, know how to work for a living, and have always managed my finances very well (I'm in my 50s and have no debt). I moved out of my parents' house right after I graduated from high school and paid for my schooling. On the flip side, my sister-in-law, now in her mid 50s, never HAD to work (she was told she's too pretty to work), her parents paid for many different attempts at furthering her education, she is on her second divorce, can't get a decent employed boyfriend, gets fired from all her jobs, doesn't have two nickles to rub together, and is still being financially supported by her parents. My in-laws apparently don't understand that enabling her is not helping her. When they die, she will have no clue how to make it on her own. A counselor once told me my parents did the best they could with what they knew, and though I didn't like their parenting style, that's very true. It's interesting that you don't have kids. I chose not to have kids for many reasons, in part because I didn't think I'd be a good parent as I didn't have good role models. All my siblings have kids, and they most definitely did a better job of raising their kids than the way they were raised. So, I do understand what you're saying about your parents' lack of interest in your life and not getting the encouragement and nurturing you needed, as I lived that life as well. But, everything is relative, and in some ways you did have an easy childhood when comparing it to my situation.
Disagree - Meh
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Yes, everything is relative, and that's why your childhood was absolutely easier compared to mine. You didn't have emotional problems and weren't put in a "special" school, so I say your childhood is absolutely easier than mine. It's absolutely NO fun to have no friends and to feel like a freak and this was before there was Internet where I can read about other people who had similar experiences and not feel so weird and alone. So your childhood is absolutely easier. You didn't have a nervous breakdown and spend 3 weeks in a mental hospital before going to a boarding school for kids with problems where you were picked on. At least your hardship enabled you to learn lessons to succeed whereas my hardship was just seemingly at the time meaningless suffering.
Yes, I am a minority. - J
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As I said, we did have very similar childhoods. Like you, I am a minority (one of my parents was from another country & didn't speak English well), and it was extremely difficult growing up in a tiny town. I also had no parental guidance. People just deal with their circumstances differently. It seems to me you want to argue with everybody who doesn't completely agree with you. You definitely are different, and I say that because of the reason you legally changed your name and that you believe your spirit guide. To each their own. You put your life story on here, so you shouldn't get angry at others' comments when they say they can't relate to what you're saying. Believe me, you did have it easy when you didn't HAVE to work. If I didn't work from age 12 on, I would've had no clothes or shoes for school. Imagine that kind of pressure on a young child. I won't even go into what it was like growing up with an alcoholic parent. You want to talk about not having it easy. Imagine not ever really getting to be a child.
Okay, But... - Meh
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...you don't have to try to make a point. No one said your life was easy.
Imagine the Kind oif Pressure.... - Meh
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...I felt as a young child because I had emotional problems and living day to day I had to struggle to just carry on living because I was always on the brink of despair and since I couldn't function socially and this is a social world, I was always in a nervous state. I would have preferred to work if I could and not have psychological problems and have a normal childhood with friends. Imagine not really ever getting to be a child because since I had no friends, I didn't know what other kids were doing and never was able to develop a strong identity during adolescence because I had no gang or peers to hang out with and had no fun on weekends or after school and was left to my own devices, not knowing what I was missing out and spent it in a stupor listening to classical music or Barry Manilow. You may blame me for my social problems or how I had no friends, but that would just be insensitive and not understanding, just like it would be if you blamed a kid with autism for not being able to do certain things. You agree with my family that my life is easy because you have a limited simplistic view and are narrow-minded to all the things that can make life easy or hard. I think just the fact that I don't have a bullet in my head means that I'm resilient, although I would never kill myself because in spite of self-esteem issues, I'm too proud and have always wanted to get ahead in life (although I know that mourning my past and missed or miserable childhood is not helpful). Although there are no statistics, I bet there are more people who commit suicide because of mental illness than because they have to work.
I was going to reply nicely and agree until - J
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you started the name calling (simplistic, narrow-minded). Obviously, you've had serious issues all your life, and you're right in that I cannot relate to having emotional problems and being socially dysfunctional. "Talking" to you is like arguing with an alcoholic. I'm done. Best of luck to you.

Don't Share My Experiences - Meh

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I admit I get a kick from sympathy and a part of me wanted others to see things my way, but at the same time a part of me doesn't expect others to see things my way because most people don't have my experiences. They didn't have extremely inhibited personalities that led to no friendships and didn't have nervous breakdown at age 13 and then went to a boarding school for messed up kids and then came back and went to special education school for the first two years of high school. Some people regret missing the prom, but I missed out on everything. Part of this is because, as I said, I had no guidance, nobody asking me about school or suggesting extracurricular activities. This, as I read recently, is called uninvolved or neglectful parenting, and it doesn't mean I was privileged or had it easy. Someone might say, well, if you're so isolated even today, why don't you go out and make friends? I say it's not that simple. Even with making effort, I'm inclined to occasionally gripe. Just like it's not so easy leaving your MT jobs and getting another job, and you grip about being an MT.

Meh - Excerpt

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Here's an excerpt from an article called "Neglectful Parenting: The Impact On Children." (Again, my annoyance is about being misunderstood as having an "easy life" and not because of my upbringing per se.) Excerpt: "While the basic needs of the children are met, there is a physical, emotional, and spiritual disconnect that the children endure from their parents. ..In addition to disconnect, since the child is receiving only minimal attention, these children are often very lonely...they often struggle to develop appropriate social skills with others, which lead them to loneliness. Parents are necessary in the development of social skills for the child. Healthy parents encourage their children to be involved in activities and friendships and give of their time so that the can have these healthy experiences. With neglectful parents there are no sports teams or play dates. This leads to a lack of social development and isolation....Even if they do not have legal problems, these adults often have difficulty finding and keeping gainful employment....Not all children of neglectful parents end up this way. One factor is if the child encounters adults who are genuinely interested in their growth. The second factor is a child who is more "resilient." Those who are psychologically resilient have the capacity to make something of their lives even in the fact of childhood neglect. It is in large part for this reason that some children of neglectful parents go on to have successful lives while others, sometimes living in the same childhood home, remain stuck throughout their lives." It was my choosing to move out of my parent's house and later than most people in this society, since it wasn't suggested to me. However, I beg to differ that my life is easy because I had a place to live and didn't have to work for a living, and that is my argument, and I have no more to say. P.S. Even as an adult independently trying to get further in life, I feel an urge to argue my point an be understood, but I suppose I should just give it up.

What you should give up is your narcissistic self absorption. - Oh, please.

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But I don't suppose that will happen as long as there is an internet you can play drama queen on.

Yes, I suppose I do... - Meh

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...talk a lot about myself, don't I? lol But less so, actually (believe it or not) than I used to focus on myself, so there's progress.:) I should add I try to be a good person. I relate more to animals than people. I am practically a misanthrope, though loyal to those I truly form a bond with. I donate to charity, Soi Dog being one I believe in, with my measly income as I have enough to give with no one else to support except a son who happens to be a cat.

Something Else - Meh

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I know I said I've made my last comment, but I want to say something else. I'm sorry if you don't like it. I think a part of me, given that I missed out on childhood, not because I HAD to work but because I had no friends and no guidance and no mentors or other people who showed me the way, puts myself in a child's shoes, i.e. I'm the child even now that I'm a grownup, so when I come across an article such as "Two-Third of Parents Don't Read To Their Children Daily" as if that's a big thing, I think "well, I was never read to at all, and my family thinks I had it easy." It's not that I attribute all my problems to my upbringing, I think it's a combination of factors, actually mostly my temperament that made me isolated and lacking in opportunities until fairly recently, but when I see that I have been disadvantaged in ways that my family don't understand and think I have it easy, I'm annoyed. And in terms of reading, yes, I spend a lot of time trying to read, trying to catch up, feeling like I'm always behind. I used to find it difficult to read, but now I'm interested in a lot more things and able to read with comprehension. So it's not that I don't make any effort. It's just that I'm annoyed.

Okay - Meh

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This is what I think. I think you are negative about me feeling negative towards my family. I think you also think that I'm someone who whines about having a hard life and says "why me?" But the truth is if you think that, you are mistaken. I don't tend to think in those terms of hard or easy and have never said "why me" and therefore you misunderstand me as a person. I only started arguing that my life isn't easy because I'm accused of having an easy life, and so only then did hard or easy come into the picture. But if you are negative because I have some negative feelings towards my family, I can understand that. It's not nice to have negative feelings towards anyone, family or whoever. However, I don't understand why everyone is agreeing that I have an easy life, that what my mother thinks is correct. I can assure you that nobody except my family or people on this forum would agree with that. And it is a disadvantage if your parents never asked you about what was happening in school or never read to you, so why do I get disagreement? But I wouldn't complain about it if no one said I had an easy life. No therapist would ever agree I had an easy life and they understand things beyond basic food and shelter. So basically I'm bothered about being misunderstood, even though, as I said, I believe that nobody except my family and people on this forum would agree I had an easy life. I'm very moved by others' opinions, hypersensitive, even if their opinions are wrong, actually more so if their opinions are wrong or unfair or an assumption. And I can be obsessive and replay things, which I attribute to my introversion and hypersensitivity. Come to think of it, I seldom get any empathy on this forum, but often get blasted as if I said that I was going to murder someone. As I recall, even when I said one of my aspirations was to be a writer sometime back on a post, I got blasted with commenter implying that I'm naïve and saying that she's talented and once wanted to be a singer, and so on. Well, if she wants to be a singer, I wouldn't discourage it.

Part of That Annoyance... - Meh

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...is when my sister will say I don't care about my family and make it sound like there's just something wrong with me. Such as when she encouraged me to keep in touch when I moved out of my family's house way back: "you may not care about us, but we care about you." Or when she says "you care more about him than about us" regarding my significant other, even though my sister was never involved to even ask a single question about him and made no comment when I mentioned him and badmouthed him, even though she admitted later when I brought it up she didn't know him. I had trouble communicating with her about it and so could only have email conversation about how she either said nothing or else only a negative remark (and didn't know him at all) and that's when I brought up "I think our family's a little dysfunctional" because we don't communicate other than what do you eat and the like. My annoyance is that my sister makes it seem like my not caring as much about the family as my family would prefer is all my fault, but I realize now that this has something to do with family dynamics that caused me to not have a strong connection, not just that there's something wrong with me as I've always been instilled to feel from going to special education school and seeing therapists. I don't think my family "cares"or is as supportive as they see it and I don't think I'm as uncaring of a person as I could be if I had received real support.

Can't Control... - Meh

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...other people, but it would have been nice to hear something like yes, there's more to life than just having food and shelter, and it sounds like childhood emotional neglect and your parents don't understand what you went through and think you've had it easy and you don't think that's true and I can see that. I can see why it would make you feel invalidated and bother you, but no point in hammering it. Instead, I get people agreeing that I have it easy, which is unfair to begin with. Okay, dislikes, here they come. But then again, maybe no dislike now that I pointed out I'm expecting it. And I know my parents did their best, but so did I. The main thing most who responded to me on this forum seem to misinterpret is that they think I'm bitter about my upbringing and blame my parents for my problems. The truth is that I'm very annoyed by being misunderstood as having an easy life when I feel I emotionally suffered quite a bit. It's about being misunderstood that I'm bothered about. However, I do attribute some of the things I missed to not having parental guidance, but that's not the same as blaming, for I feel no emotion when I attribute. I don't, however, attribute my "mental problems" to my upbringing and never did. I attribute things like not knowing about having a newspaper job or bake sale to not having parents who spoke to me about things like getting a job, however, and I don't think not working makes life easier.

Sounds like Everyone Agrees... - Meh

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...with my mother that my life has been easy and that my annoyance is not warranted because my family is right. I still disagree and most people would, I think, except people on this forum. I certain my life hasn't been easy. The only thing I'm wrong about is needing to insist that I'm right. Another thing you may not realize, since you weren't in my shoes, is that I for many years would have preferred to work but was too debilitated psychologically to function. So it may not be fun to HAVE to work, but it's also no fun to not be able to work even though you would like to. Of course, I get no empathy here because you've never had a nervous breakdown as a kid and grow up with no friends and feel so alienated and paranoid and depressed that you can't function, just like my family never had these issues and so they don't empathize. This is the wrong forum, and I'm sure on a social anxiety forum I'd get more empathy.

Recently Out of Curiosity... - Meh

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...I looked up one of my classmates from childhood (not a friend, just a classmate). She must have knew I looked her up because she then contacted me. She said she remembers me and remarked that "It must have been difficult...." (I disappeared after 7th grade because after my nervous breakdown, I went to boarding school and then after that came back to attend 2 years of special ed school.) Anyway, the only reason I say that is because I'm arguing my life hasn't been easy.

You know what I think... - Moi

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I think you should contact your sister and invite her to do something with you. Whatever you think would work. Maybe cook her a home-cooked meal, maybe just go to the mall or go to a fast food restaurant. Believe it or not, your family could be an excellent resource for you. Some people have built-in best friends in all their family members and do lots of things together. Okay, maybe you and your sister are not "friends," but you could take the initiative and just tell her that you have struggled with mental illness for a long time and are now wanting to reconnect. Nothing more than that. You could just talk superficially at first. You wouldn't have to delve deeply into hurtful things, just be together for a while because you are sisters. If she is a good person at all, she will respond. It will get you out of the house, at least. I know I hardly knew my older brother, as he was 8 years older than I was and was out to boarding school and then college and then moved way across the country when I was growing up. Fast forward to when my dad developed cancer and needed a caregiver-- my brother moved back to our hometown and was there for my dad, retiring very early in his 50s. He then stayed on and looked after mom for quite a while until she passed. Of course, my brother inherited the house, as it should be. But, during the time when both parents were failing and dying of old age, I developed a friendship with my brother through the weekly phone calls I made to him regarding our parents. Now, I guess you could call him my confidant because whenever I have some extra time I give him a call and catch up on his news and tell him whatever is on my mind. He is pretty lonesome and is glad to have me call.

I guess what I am trying to say is you would not have to discuss old hurts with your sister, leave that for your counselor. Just do things in the here and now with your sister. After all, your siblings are kind of the key to you. They grew up in the same household as you did, even though you were all unique individuals and your experiences were not the same. The few things you have said about your sister make me think she is not a monster, she just does not understand you. And you do not have to try to make her understand you. Just get to know her, because after all she is your sister.

Just my take on this. What do you think?

Good Person - Meh

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All my family are "good people." That's the point I was trying to make from the beginning, that they're well-intentioned but they don't get it in many ways, and in that way, it too can mess with your head inadvertently. There was a story about someone with a cat and because she was a vegetarian, she made the cat a vegetarian too and the cat went blind because cats can't be vegetarians. In terms of the family dynamics, there's no possibility I can hang out with my brother and sister. They're busy and I understand. And I had even suggested my sister come to a single therapy session and she hardly had the time of day for me (by time of day, I mean literally) or else she really didn't want to go and only very reluctantly agreed later, but then I changed my mind because I didn't want to rehash what bugged me and what might seem hostile feelings about something she did that offended me. Essentially, I have a very materialistic family who think they're caring but are actually uninvolved, IMO. So they think they're "caring" whereas there's just something "wrong" with me that I don't feel for the family and that's purely my problem(that's basically the message they send). If it were me, I wish there were a Dr. Phil sort (he's very good at having families sit together and talk and mediate without arguing, but most therapists, IMO, aren't so effective), but it's not possible to get my family into a therapy group setting. The thing is my sister believes in "doctors", in her view, only a psychiatrist (she's never seen a therapist so, even though she has a right to her opinion, I say she's making an assumption that other therapists aren't the same and assumed that one psychologist that was called "Psychological and Healing" was a quack). But anyway, she believes I need help for my "mental illness" and yet she was very reluctant to attend a therapy session with me. IMO, now that I have more experience with life and have had plenty of experience with therapists of various sorts (psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, intern) on and off, general individual therapy doesn't work very well, and problems can stem from family dynamics even more so than "mental illness." I can't explain in the detail why it's not possible to bring my family into therapy with me, since I don't want to make this 5 pages long, but just can't. And I don't necessarily believe in therapy either. I find that my mental health and psychological changes come from just living more, including reading more. In any case, since I'm not able to discuss things with my family, it kind of leaks out elsewhere, especially since I don't have much fun and can get moody and angry, but I do have goals and, yes, I lift myself up from my own bootstraps more or less, some days being more disciplined than others). I consider myself actually a very creative person, so I suppose I've always felt "special" in positive way as well. So I have always wanted to get ahead in life and then you have my family who are materialistic, yet financially enabling and think I've had it easy and have little to no expectations, and then I land on SSI at age 25, which with a monthly check, kills incentive right there, still I want to get ahead in life, but it's harder if you get no encouragement and monthly financially enabling check. (So essentially, first my family financially enables me and then the SSI monthly check enables me. IMO, money is a motivating factor in life and not just something to spend on material things.) My family's philosophy is money, but they don't care if it's just from winning the lottery and then you stop working. Whereas with me, my philosophy is making the most out of potential and winning the lottery has no meaning to me with no "life." Whereas my mother blamed me when I was in my twenties by saying "I fight for my life", "you give up so easily", "people who take responsibility for their life" (yet I feel I was just a product of being financially enabled and no guidance)), she's now happy I got a job. It was meant to be supportive when she said "How much do you make?" and I said, "Not much, about $1000 a month" and she said, "Not bad." But even though it's nice she's happy for me, I think I felt justifiably invalidated when she said, "Not bad" because, as you people who always complain about how little you get paid, $1000/month is not much income, and so this ties in with story of how my family has never demonstrated any expectations of me, very low to none. IMO, having no expectation is even worse than having a family who has maybe too high expectations and put pressure on you. But no, I cannot contact my sister and hang out with her. She is kind enough to do my taxes, as I'm not a business sort of person and was never taught these things. In terms of my social life, I tend to procrastinate but have attended a couple of meetup.com events, just a few. But you don't make friends right away, especially if you don't have opportunity to see the same people on a daily basis like you did in school growing up, friendship experiences that I missed out on because I had serious emotional problems. But I know what I want to do with my life. It's just that sometimes things like what I write here leaks out because I'm not able to express it with family. Nothing more to say. Why the dislikes again? Did I say anything untrue. I don't think so. Only on this forum would I get such deaf ears and lack of empathy. In fact, I never get any positive feeling from being on this forum. People bitching about their jobs and yet when I express some issue about something that would normally elicit understanding elsewhere, nothing but blasting. Never visiting this forum again. Adios. Good luck to you all.
Good god... ever hear of Prozac? - Cant hurt, might help.
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.
Couldn't Resist... - Meh
[ In Reply To ..]
...coming back to see what other responses I might have got. Yes, I don't believe in psychiatric drugs, at least not for me. I don't believe my issues have an organic cause. I've taken drugs before. I have to say Seroquel was effective. But then I wanted to be function independently without any drugs. As I said, I am not half as alienated in feeling from the world or socially phobic as I used to be. I think Seroquel might have helped with some obsessiveness, my tendency to rehash something when something says something that affects me or when someone gives me a nasty look and I, being a thin-skinned and lacking in support sort of person, tend to replay over and over. But now I'm more aware of my thoughts and aware of the law of attraction and thus have more knowledge and awareness and can control my mind and life more without medications. But every now and then, I slip and bitch about things. And yes, I feel my family doesn't get me and yes, they are mistaken in thinking my life is easier than most. And only on this forum would I get people who agree saying that my life is indeed easier. Thanks for the suggestion anyway.

Ta Ta - Meh

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This forum is nothing but negativity. Never will come here anymore. I'm sure I have more kindred souls elsewhere who understand. Ta-ta. Goodbye. Farewell. And I will make $80,000/year in about 5 years. But I won't return here to tell you about it.

Meh! - sue

[ In Reply To ..]
Meh, may I make a suggestion? You are very eloquent, you have a good vocabulary, and you are clearly intelligent. Did you ever consider using your talent to take a writing course? It would get you out of the house, you would meet people, and maybe you would get some pleasure from putting your thoughts and ideas on paper in a positive way.

Sue, when Meh responds it will be with - See message

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All the reasons why she can't write, how we're all mean, blah, blah, everything she repeated over and over above. I don't think she actually wants help or advice. She wants to argue and wants sympathy, as she clearly admitted. I wonder how she found this forum as I can't imagine she is or was an MT.
She may have been an MT, but it would have to have been before she went off her meds. - Yikes.
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