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Need advice about teenage girl and boy issues!


Posted: Oct 5, 2015

My daughter is a freshman in HS and barely 15, just turned last month.  This summer, while she was still 14, a senior boy who is 17, started "talking" to her which I understand to mean he liked her and wanted to start dating.  I said no.  He's too old.  She was all "he's nice and I'm almost 15" blah, blah, blah.  Her father and I are divorced and one weekend when she was with him, her father allowed this boy to take her to a movie on a Sunday afternoon without asking me.  The boy picked her up in his car and took to the movie and brought her home by 7 p.m.  I was upset, but decided since it seemed harmless, I wouldn't make a big deal or have a fight with my ex.  Long story short, my daughter snuck out in the middle of the night one night to ride around with this boy.  She was grounded and I told her she could not see this boy anymore.  I had also checked him out and found out from some other parents that he had a reputation as "partying" and there had been some incidences with pot.  I told me ex and we agreed this boy was history.  Well, the boy started dating another girl and when school started my daughter was liking a boy her own age.  I ungrounded her after a month and all was fine and dandy.  Until this weekend, my daughter and a friend wanted to go to a local amusement park and I dropped them off with instructions I would pick them up at a certain time that evening.  A few hours later I get a text from another mom who was at the same amusement park with her kids who said "did you know your daughter and her friend were meeting with older boys at the park?"  I said no and asked her who and one of the boys was of course this older boy who I thought had forgotten about my daughter and she about him!  Apparently not!  She's grounded again.  I've tried to talk to her reasonably about this, without yelling.  I asked her what was so special about this boy and she said he makes her feel special which probably means he wants to get into her pants and I told her that.  She rolls her eyes and tells me I don't get it.  I told her he was not the boy for her.  That he is a fast mover and parties and I don't want her around that.  She says I'm being judgmental.

So here is my question, what do I do?  She's obviously going to lie to me and sneak around to be with this boy.  What do I do short of locking her in her room and homeschooling her until she graduates?  Six months ago, I would have told you that my daughter has a happy, well adjusted girl with a head on her shoulders, makes good decisions, and I trust her to always do the right thing.  Now, she's lying to me, is secretive, sullen and snotty.

The boy's parents are divorced and he lives with his father who basically lets him do whatever he wants.  I have asked my ex to talk to the boy and his father, but I feel like that will go nowhere.   

;

Wow-- - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
This is giving me chills. My BOY is 15 and just entered public school begin last year (which was a tad different than Christian school) at least as far as public pursuit of girls and boys. He had a girl ask him to go to the mall (same age as he) and he went. Her mother and younger sister were there...sounds like a family kinda outing (okay), well, she broke him away from the "family," took him to the sock aisle in Penney's and mauled him. He was a bit surprised (not unhappy, just amused). Her parents were reported to be very restrictive. She was not even allowed to go to a street fair event if he was going to show up. This was an event we often frequented and he was now not feeling welcome at a public event. He honored that restriction, no great harm.

Upshot of this story, is that it is a weird world out there. Everybody has different restrictions.

My initial thought for your situation with your daughter is that the "cat is out of the bag." She knows about the older guy thing, she probably has wants and needs (or at least she thinks she does). I'm not sure how to slow that train down.


1. You can approach it from protecting her. I mean real protection, like birth control. That assumes acquiescence to the situation (not sure I could do that either).

2. Have the boy over and do family stuff with him. Take him to dinner with you or movie night at home. This can be particularly helpful if there are other siblings, makes it easier. Make him feel like a part of the family and maybe he will not be as likely to "hurt" your daughter. You would then have a relationship with him also. Maybe HE needs some guidance as well. You can subtlely let him know your expectations by example, perhaps.



I think #2 should be #1.

As to the 6 months ago, she was a well-adjusted, smart decision-making girl...HORMONES. It is time. Hits everybody a little bit differently.

Another girl/boy issue... - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I've got a question for you. My boy says he knows of a girl, who I know her parents, sort of, kind of, and he says that she is sharing body part pictures with a guy and he showed up to a recent school activity drunk with her (I don't think she was drunk). I don't know whether I should say anything to her parent or not?? It's not like we are really friends; it's hard enough when you are actually friends. My kid is not happy about her activity, but he really has nothing vested either. All the kids are right at 15, who are involved here.

Funny you should post now. CNN has a "Being thirteen" - which airs tonight at 9

[ In Reply To ..]
Just saw preview and was talking about kids at 13 sending these nude pictures. Maybe others here could watch and perhaps gain some insight there.

I would say it depends on how close you are with the parents of the girl. - SM - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
The mom who texted about my daughter at the amusement park is a pretty good friend in that our daughters are friends and have spent a lot of time together. She also is a single mom like me and so we tend to watch each other's backs so to speak. Keep an eye on each others kids. She apologized when she told me, said she didn't want to get anyone into trouble, but she thinks of my daughter as her daughter. I appreciated her telling me.

Then again my daughter has another friend whose mom I'm not so close to and if I were to tell on her daughter for anything, she would get mad at me and blame it on someone else or say it wasn't her daughter, etc.

So I don't know what to tell you to do. All I can say is I would want to know if it were my daughter.

Yeah - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
See, the thing is, we are "un" close enough that I don't really care if she gets mad at me. "cutting" me out of her life, really would have no effect; I'm not in her life. I guess it could start something at school between the girl and my son. The girl has enough issues as it is. I just would hope that her parents could help her through this difficult time; and without knowing they can't help her. I sort of wish I could just talk to the girl, but I don't think that would work either. I don't know what I will do. Guess I will sit on it for a while.
Tell them - Anon
[ In Reply To ..]
If you don't care if she cuts you out of her life then tell her. It's bothering you enough to ask us if you should tell her, so get it off your chest and tell her and let her do with that information as she wishes. You could be saving this girl from a lot of grief later on since those pictures aren't just going to disappear, they'll be floating around for a very long time.

I agree with the poster who said invite him to family stuff... - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
I think you need to invite him to dinner and family outings. Get to know him, ask him what his future plans are, and talk to both kids about birth control, STD's, teen pregnancy, drinking and driving, and drugs. Be open to taking your daughter for birth control (I hope it's not against your religion). You can't isolate her from boys but you can be there for her when he breaks her heart and be there to teach her about the possible consequences of sex, drugs, and drinking. This guy is temporary so the thing you need to focus on is protecting her future. An unplanned pregnancy or a drunk driving accident would change the course of her future. Does she have plans like college or a career? Help her see that she needs to keep her eye on her goals and not do anything to jeopardize them.

Hormones - Rusty

[ In Reply To ..]
I too, have a teenage daughter. Got the rules mapped out at first sign of boys, and I have not deviated one bit since then. I was not allowed to car date until I was 17, neither were my older children, and neither is she. Did not kill me, won't kill her. She has to date within 1 year of her age. No deviation. I drop off and pick up on all dates, unless I know and trust other parent. No deviation. She breaks the rules, she gets punished. Not ungrounded early, no giving in. No deviation. She understands my rules are my rules NO MATTER where she is at. I found out from my oldest daughter that my 16 y/o was posting pictures of herself with shirt pulled down in front to show too much and shorts rolled up at the waist to show her butt cheeks. I looked at it, and it was not an image she should be putting out there, and so poof, social media gone. The result of that is she spends a lot more time with her family out in the living room watching TV or helping with dinner, etc., and homework. I do not buy her clothes that are too revealing, but they can be modified. So I guess my advice is make rules and stick to it. The advice about inviting him over, is great. They will find a way to see each other. Talk about everything. Even if she seems bored, she is listening (I found this out from my older children). At the end of the day, when that door closes behind her everything you taught her is a crapshoot. Protect her in any way you can, and then pray, pray, pray. I am proud to say my children have never been in trouble with the law, drugs, and I am not helping raise any grandchildren to teenage children. Trust your gut, always. Good luck. Been there, done that, still doing it.

to support what you say - it occurred to me that

[ In Reply To ..]
when the OP's daughter said this boy made her feel special, that was the red flag to me. The child probably needs some reinforcement right now that she is special without anybody making her feel that way - it should be part of how she feels about herself. A lot of things can influence how girls feel about themselves as they grow up, and divorce is one of those really influential things. I think the dad should be picking up the slack to tell her how special she is, how she needs to follow mom's rules, how loved she is, and that she should not let some boy/man use her body as a playground, because she deserves more than that (not saying that she already has, just giving some advice). Get her involved in activities that build her self esteem. My child volunteers at a therapeutic riding stable and even mucking the barns makes her feel good about herself. My child is only 12, but she is adopted and there is no father figure anywhere around, so I knew early on she would need extra community support to raise her to be a strong young woman, someone who can stand up to the pressures of other kids and eventually her biological family after she turns 18. It is proven that when people do for others, it improves their feelings of self worth.

Your daughter doesn't need some boy to make her feel special - that is giving him power over her and she is the one doing it.

I would also make a suggestion about looking into the laws in your state about ages of consent. In my state, if one kid is more than 24 months older than the other kid and they have sex, the older kid can go to jail for rape. Kids don't think about laws. I can tell you I have already had that talk with my child. My kid is already making informed choices about her life about drugs, alcohol and sex and she has not even had her first menses. Now once she is in full-blown puberty, that is where I really need community support and these seeds I have been planting with others will be even more needed later.

Teenage girls - Anon

[ In Reply To ..]
No disrespect intended, but she sounds like a normal teenage girl to me. Ordering her not to see this boy isn't going to work but you've probably already figured that out. It's probably actually going to make her want to see him more. She's at the age where she is starting to enjoy independence and she thinks she knows better than you do what is best for her. I agree with other posters. Invite him over. Get to know him. Talk to your daughter about birth control and make sure she is aware of her options. And for those that think putting her on birth control is a licence to have sex that is so wrong. Teenagers do what they want to do with or without birth control.

Good luck to you.

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