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Is it ever ok to tap a child in the mouth?


Posted: Jul 19, 2015

My 5 year old daughter was being an all around menace: goofing off at the table, mouthing off, etc.  She was not listening and laughing at my husband as he was trying to talk to her.  He then tapped her on the mouth.  Is this okay?  I am a bit confused on the matter as I was never struck as a child.  Please, I am asking for advice and not opening up the chance for negativity or people who want to bash me as a parent.  Thank you

;

Tapped? - with a finger to her lips?

[ In Reply To ..]
or harder than that? As a child of the 50s, I was spanked, switched, swatted, but never in the face. As an adult, I think there could have been a better way to get her attention.

After taking a minute - OP

[ In Reply To ..]
my husband thought the same too. There could have been a better way to get her attention. I just have very strong feelings about this as I was sensitive growing up. Also, my husband came from an abusive home and while he is trying to not be abusive I wonder if the behavior is dormant... Thank you for your reply.

Maybe not perfect, but I think it's okay - TrampledUnderfoot

[ In Reply To ..]
Her mouth is what was getting her into trouble. Your husband's reaction was not unwarranted, especially as she was laughing while he was trying to correct her.

I agree I think it was fine. gets her attention - and doesnt hurt

[ In Reply To ..]
sometimes it takes something like that.

No, it is not. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
No, it really is not o.k. I will be delighted to tell you why, and would like for you to share this with your husband.

As a child, I was victimized so badly by my mother that years later a neighbor looked me up before she died to apologize for not doing more to save me.

There is a huge difference between a spanking with a hand on a clothed bottom and whippings, beatings, strappings, beltings, striking with wet dish towels, metal spoons, rolling pins, broom handles, long pieces of wire, shoes, handbags, arm-pulling, pinching, twisting, hair-pulling, slamming body parts in drawers and doors, ear-twisting, slamming them into walls, and ... slapping, popping, and striking them in the face.

Being "tapped" on the mouth ... which is what my mother would have called it, too ... is demeaning, humiliating, and extremely dangerous. It is little more than an expression of impatience, bad temper and anger, because adults should be as to control themselves better.

It also hurts horribly. The tissue on the face is thin, full of nerves, and overlies bone and teeth. Striking it produces bruises against the bone and ruptures in the lining of the mouth. It is very easy to miss and hit the nose and eyes. You can easily dislocate the jaw and nose, break the nose, bloody the nose, fracture the bones of the face and orbital sockets, and cause the child to bite their tongue.

I am very sure about that because my mother's "tapping" did all of that to me. The blood was obvious at the time, but the fractured bones and nose were not discovered until I was an adult.

If you "tapped" a spouse or a neighbor on the mouth, or anywhere else, it would be a crime. It is unthinkable to me that supposedly loving adults could somehow rationalize that it is not a crime when done in anger to a 5-year-old child.

Seriously, you can kill your child that way. You could easily snap her neck.

This behavior is not "dormant" in your husband, as you put it. He simply thinks it is what you do to control children because that is what he experienced. It took me years to discover that it was not normal.

oh please. there is no large scale abuse going on here. - you are taking it too far

[ In Reply To ..]
x

You asked my advice and I gave it. - nm

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

OMG - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
If you can snap someone's neck by tapping them, they had significant problems before you came on the scene. My goodness. A low of drama in your post.

Sorry, but people who hit children in the mouth are not - "tapping."

[ In Reply To ..]
That was his term for it. Abusers always, always downplay the magnitude of what they did. "Aw, man, I hardly touched her!"

I think you are seeing children as exempt from the expectations we have for others, even for animals.

If you pop elderly grandma in the mouth because she won't stop talking, it IS abuse. Healthcare workers are required to report it. If you did it in public, you could be charged with assault. It is elder abuse.

If you pop your child in the mouth while you are in a doctor's office, they are required to report it. You WILL be investigated for child abuse.

It is just as abusive at home. We do not lash out and strike others, regardless of their age and regardless of who might witness it.

Sorry, but he has an anger-management problem.
From this little bit of info from the OP, her husband is not an abuser sm - 1234
[ In Reply To ..]
nor does he have anger management problems. He has a patience issue with children that are not paying attention.

Seriously, with an engineering background, I would - like to measure the tap by PSI
[ In Reply To ..]
before I would decide if it were abuse or not. Popping is not tapping. Tapping is not slapping. You really have no idea what he did to the child, so how can you determine anything.
I am determining things the same way you are sm - 1234
[ In Reply To ..]
It works both ways. YOU cannot determine what it was either, but you insist it is abuse because that is YOUR experience. Stop projecting what happened to you onto something that isn't even in the same category.

I feel like you may be prone to a hypersensitive reaction - MNM

[ In Reply To ..]
to situations like the OP's because of your childhood. I myself had a similar childhood with an abusive mother and have found myself to be at times a little irrational when it comes to spanking.

Having said that, I agree with the poster below who said the word tap may be an attempt to minimize what actually happened. Bottom line, the OP was uncomfortable with what happened. So in my honest opinion, I feel the "tap" was probably more of a slap.

At the end of the day, OP you are just not comfortable with it. I would take this opportunity to discuss it with your husband and come to understanding about discipline in the future.

Finally, the OP and her husband are not bad parents, not abusers. WE ALL lose our tempers with our kids at times. And anyone who tries to say "not me" is full of BS. Just learn from it, that's all you can do at this point.

I swore I'd never spank or slap my children... - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
and my husband agreed. We were both spanked as children and hated it so we vowed to handle discipline differently. Unfortunately, we failed. There were several times when we were under stress trying to deal with our children's disruptive behavior and we spanked or slapped them. We really tried timeouts, but just couldn't get anywhere with that. We read books to try to help us, but I think our childhood conditioning won out in these situations. My kids are teenagers now and I have apologized to them because I think any type of hitting is wrong. I think people have to be very conscious about how they are dealing with their children to prevent reverting back to how they were raised. I hope your husband is able to do that in the future.

Tapped on the mouth, spanked, switched - Husband and I both

[ In Reply To ..]
when growing up (early 50s) would probably fall into the category of a good ole a... beating. My mother would pick up most anything close by, a leather belt, a yard stick (wooden), once a stiletto heel (did that hurt) and his father probably lit into him. Having said all that, neither one of us are the worse for wear and we both grew up respectful, neither one of us either jailed for anything, good law abiding citizens, just 2 good people and we really have our parents to thank for not letting us off, not being so permissive with us as to not reign us in and knowing what doing wrong got us. Neither one of us has ever felt like we were harmed, never.

I think it's okay, but probably no one will agree. - I've spanked mine too.

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

I've spanked mine too and both grew to be - - Mom2

[ In Reply To ..]
Respectful and responsible young men.

I think I would compare it to - washing mouth out with soap

[ In Reply To ..]
in the sense that it seems to be directed at the source of the offensive behavior (the mouth). My daughter and son-in-law (who I think are wonderful parents) have done this occasionally (very rarely) with their young boys (partly because they choose not to spank), and it does seem to have been pretty effective when the timeouts and explanations have been exhausted. They don't literally "wash their mouths out," just a dot of liquid soap on the tongue to get the point across (that the words they have chosen are unacceptable/disrespectful). I do feel it's better than spanking.

You say your husband - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
"tapped" her on the mouth, but then say you are confused because you were never "struck" as a child. Tapping and striking are, in my mind, two distinctly different things. You really aren't that clear.

Would it be okay for an adult to do this to another adult? - Consider this...

[ In Reply To ..]
It would not and would be considered assault. So why is it okay to hit a child? They are especially vulnerable and defenseless. I do not believe hitting a child is EVER justified.

Do you have any - children.

[ In Reply To ..]
just curious about holier than thou attitudes.

Indeed I am a mother. - We don't hit. Period.

[ In Reply To ..]
There is no attitude. It's just a fact of life here. We do not hit anyone or any thing. Not another human, not an animal, nothing except the punching bag at the gym.

Our parents hit us and our siblings hit their kids. We simply don't agree with that. If hitting works so well, why do people find they have to do it again, and again, and again? It just doesn't make sense to me or my spouse as to why anyone would cause physical harm to another.

"When someone tells you raising respectful kids without spanking, yelling, and punishment can't be done, it's more of a reflection of their limitations and not yours."

There are ALWAYS other options than to hit and if belittling me and my decision brings you makes you feel better about your decisions, go for it. I will always advocate for the defenseless.

Seems I read - SM

[ In Reply To ..]
Spare the rod, spoil the child somewhere.

tap CRAP - poze

[ In Reply To ..]
The choice of the word TAP is a minimizing word does he also TAP you in the mouth? Do you think you can TAP the teacher? Co-worker? How 'bout the rude cashier - boy I would love to TAP one of them .... but I dont because this is obviously rediculous behavior Dont teach your daughter that you are not sure! Of course you are sure, that's why you are here ! Learn to listen to yourself, and teach your daughter THAT

If someone taps you on the shoulder to get your attention - do you call the cops? wow.

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

Well we need to figure out what you mean by tapped. If it really was - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
just a simple tap, I doubt you would be asking. I vote no too

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