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I need some advice about how to handle some difficult parents.

Posted: May 4, 2015

I have had repeated problems with these people and I'm done, but my daughter and their daughter are best friends and I just feel bad for the girls. Here's the situation. Over the weekend, I took both girls shopping for 8^th grade graduation dresses. We go into Kohl's and the girls take off to the junior section to try on dressing while I shop around. They make their choices and proceed to the register where my daughter's friend says she has a $100 gift card and she has a coupon for a 30% discount. She tells me daughter give me your stuff and I'll get the discount pay and then your mom can give me cash. I meet them at the register when the transaction is done and the explain to me what they did and I so I gave her the money for my daughter's stuff. The next morning I get an angry phone call from the girl's step-father yelling at me about allowing his step-daughter to pay with his card without even calling him. I tried to explain to him that the girls had done it before I made up to the register and didn't understand what the big deal was giving her cash for the gift card. He was SCREAMING at me, cussing at me (he used the F-word), and called me stupid and hang up. Now mind, I know this man. He is from the same small town as I am and I am very familiar with who he is. He's a jerk. He's an alcoholic and a drug addict to who got sober supposedly and met my daughter's friend's mother in AA (she to being an addict and alcoholic). He is a bully and has two ex-wives who have said he is abusive both physically and verbally. I was in shock that a man who was not my husband, not related to me at all, and who does not even know me would speak to me this way. Then I became furious because I am a single mom with no "man" to come to my defense and that is precisely why this man thought he could intimidate and bully me. I called him back and yelled at him, telling him he could not intimidate me or bully me. That I didn't know what his problem was, but it was inappropriate and unacceptable for him to speak to me this way and I would for sure being warning the other moms whose daughter's spend time with his step-daughter and then I hung up. His wife immediately texted me an apology for how her husband had behaved. Long story short, I found out that what my daughter's friend had called, in her exact words, "a $100 gift card" was actually her step-father's Kohls credit card. I understood at the point why he would be upset at what he perceived was me using his credit card on my daughter. Still didn't justify how he spoke to me or the fact that he was screaming in rage at me because I wasn't even part of the transaction as his daughter and my daughter did without me getting to the register. However, I would have apologized for my daughter's part in it. I called the wife and explained her that her daughter had misled me and my daughter and we thought it was a gift card. I didn't know if her daughter purposefully misled or not, but that was the case.

The problem is that this isn't the first time this girl has misled or flat out lied to me and her mom and step-dad and gotten me into hot water in the process. She's told me she has had her parents permission to do stuff and what she does is she leaves out details about what is going on. For example, I drop my daughter and a group of friends off at amusement park and pick them up later in the day. They stay together as a group and check in with their cellphones. All the parents are okay with dropping them and all have been the mom to drop them off and pick them up. This girl was invited to do and said her mom said she could go only to find later her mom didn't know there were no parents staying at the park the whole day. They find out later and act as though I knew they wouldn't like that and I dropped her off anyway. I've taken her to the movies only to bring her home and be told we wanted her home by 10 and it was 10:45. Nobody told me that, we ate first and saw a later movie so sorry. Stuff like that over and over.

So after this latest situation, I've pretty much decided that my daughter isn't going to be spending a lot of time with her anymore. Problem is I feel bad. This girl is a very unhappy girl stuck in a very unhappy home. She has never said her step-dad is physically abusive, but she has told me he had backed her brother up against a wall and was screaming in his face and he has behaved that way towards her. She's afraid of him. And her mother seems to be afraid of him as well. We had invited this girl to go on vacation with us in July and her mom has said yes, but now I just don't know if I need the stress of taking this child with me knowing that I will probably do something they won't approve of. I just feel like I'm leaving this little girl in this environment without trying to help her. I want to protect my daughter and myself (because these people seem dead set on making me out to be some sort of bad parent), but I don't want this girl to feel abandoned. Her and her brother lived with their dad who got custody of them in the divorce because their mom was on drugs. She cleaned herself up and wanted custody back. She married got pregnant "accidentally" (at the age of 38) by the loser she's with now and had to marry him. Then ripped her kids away from their dad and their friends in the town they lived in their whole lives to move in with this guy. Since then this girl has felt ignored and abandoned. They had the baby and it's all about the baby and they make the girl take care of the baby all of the time because mom's too tired or step-dad has to leave. They never come to school functions because of "the baby." I give the girl a ride to school every morning and pick her and her brother up (along with my daughter) from practices and school activities. They NEVER do any of that stuff EVER. If they ever gave my daughter a ride anywhere, I would die from shock.

I told the mom and the step-dad over the weekend that if their daughter is lying to them, then the problem is theirs not mine and they need to address that at home and quit trying to blame me or my daughter. I fear they may use everything I've said to them to punish their daughter. I just don't know what to do. I feel so sorry for her.

Sorry this so long. I'm just really sad and frustrated for this girl.

;

What difference does it make you are a single - mother, not getting that at all

[ In Reply To ..]
From what I am reading seems like you have outstepped your boundaries. She is not your child and yet you took her to buy clothing that you seem not to have the authorization to do so. No matter what you think her situation is, does not give you the right to step in and override the parents. If you had not felt so bad for her and tried to help her out, you would not be in this situation now, so you get blamed and get cursed out. My thing would be to tell you to back off, step backwards and leave her and her family be. I also before taking another kid shopping would know 100% in advance how the clothes were to be paid for, never just shopping unless I was going to pay the total amount for the clothing bought, even then the family might not appreciate your being there.

First of all, her parents gave her permission to go with - MJM

[ In Reply To ..]
my daughter and I shopping and GAVE her the card to use. They didn't want to have to take her themselves because they are too busy. I did not just take her shopping on my own accord. Re-read my post.

The single mother bit is because I think this man felt he could bully me and there would be no one to step in for me.

Married, single, divorced no different in what - others say to you but

[ In Reply To ..]
you are the adult here and therefore up to you to make sure all know how money is spent, whose money is spent, and again that was not done, therefore you are taking the flak for it now. I am with the other person here in knowing beforehand in taking kids shopping. Talk with the parents, not the kids and you should not have had an issue.

I disagree. This girl is 14 and he handed her his card. - MJM

[ In Reply To ..]
Her mother didn't want to take and pawned her off on me, which they have done before. Not my responsibility to police their child. If they wanted to supervise, then they should have taken her themselves.

My daughter and I have an open line of communication. I'm comfortable letting her shop for clothes without my input because I know that she can be trusted. If they can't trust their kid, not my problem.

They didn't pay me to babysit. They didn't say to me, I gave her my credit card. He came out to my car while I waited for her to get in and made small talk. So the opportunity was there.

I would say none of adults in this little fiasco communicated very effectively.

And I'm curious, you haven't really said. You obviously think I made a mistake and I don't disagree, but did that mistake warrant this man calling me up and irrationally scream at me like a maniac, use the F-word, call me names? Is that how you would have handle the situation? Is that acceptable behavior?

In addition, when my daughter is away from me, - MJM

[ In Reply To ..]
spending time her friends and their parents, she knows exactly how she is behave. If I give her money, she knows how she is supposed to spend it. She knows to call me if there is any deviation from the original plan and she does. I police my kid BEFORE she leaves the house and if she does something she shouldn't have done or worries me by not calling, she pays the consequences - NOT THE PARENTS OF HER FRIENDS. The only time I would be angry with the parents is if they did something that put my child in jeopardy or hurt my child. If my child does something stupid with a credit card that I gave her, then that's on me.

There would have been only 1 curse word said - and then I would hang up

[ In Reply To ..]
If a person is that angry why should you sit and try to reason? The first B or F would have been my place to hang up. I will say again, I don't care if she is 14 or 24 or 34 if she is under her parent's rules, living at home, not working, etc. then you as the ADULT here should have it settled upfront about the buying. You don't just assume things are a certain way. That is what happened now and see where you are. You might police your kids but this is not your kid. Your child might be all that but again, NOT your kid. The adults on the other end are not holding her responsible, they are looking at you. Consider this a learning experience. A child 14 is not grown but you are.

I get what you're saying, but again she's not my kid. - MJM

[ In Reply To ..]
I didn't hand her a credit card. And no one asked me to monitor her as she used it. The only thing I was asked to do was taker her with us so she could get a dress. And that's what I did. I should have been with them at the register when they paid and I would have insisted they pay separately especially when I realized that she had a credit card and not a gift card as she had said. That is my fault in all of this.

I really don't think it was my responsibility to do anything else. I'm not going to tell her what dress to buy, how much to spend or anything else. That is her parents' place, not mine. That would be overstepping boundaries as well. You make a good point she is under her parents rules, so why didn't they take her and supervise?

One thing I've learned for certain, is I will never allow this to happen again. My daughter will be allowed to have a simple, no frills friendship with this girl. They will not be spending the night at each other's houses. No more shopping trips, trips to the movies, etc. I will not be picking her up or giving her rides and I will not be doing them anymore favors.

Thank you for your input.

Could not disagree with you more. It's not MJM's - job to

[ In Reply To ..]
know EXACTLY how the girl is buying the clothing that SHE is buying with something given to HER by HER PARENT. Get the gist of this? HER parents gave her the means to buy something and it's not the problem of this other woman to know every detail of how these parents told their 14 y/o to buy her clothing. To put that onus on MJM or anyone but the parents and their child is ludicrous. Frankly, it's not really MJM's business how the parents wanted that kid to go about purchasing the gown that THEY didn't want to take the time to take the child to get. The only thing I agree with you on is that she should have hung up at the first curse word. For whatever reason, it sounds like these parents want to blame everyone else for their child's failings or their own parental failings. If there was history, they should have either had 1) better guidelines set or 2) be willing to accept the consequences of pawning their kid off on someone else instead of taking care of their own responsibilities. No, MJM, not your fault and not your problem. Now the kid having a history of lying and such, yeah, that you could have done better with but I get where you're coming from on that. But you definitely aren't to blame regardless of what others think.

Not MJM's fault, all I can say is have at - it because you feel so bad

[ In Reply To ..]
for the kid and now you are being held responsible. No way around it, you are still the adult, she is a kid and you are the one being held responsible. I say the heck with it, just keep feeling sorry, taking her shopping, whatever makes you feel better.

There is a big difference in how single women are treated by abusive men - smabusiers - Linda

[ In Reply To ..]
Unless you live in a state that respects gender equality. I'm single and in Utah where the rednecks trespass, litter, yell, use foul language, let all their animals stay on my property, and these men would never act this way if I were a man or were married. I've lived alone, and with a man and there is a big difference in the amount of respect we get.

I did not type: "smabusiers" I typed "sm" We must have a new expander on this - Linda

[ In Reply To ..]
Testing... sm

Married, single, divorced poster. Have never lived - anywhere close to what you

[ In Reply To ..]
describe, sounds hellish to me. I live in probably a state that might be called redneck state and the one I lived prior to this one but what you describe just sounds like a place where anything goes. I have lived alone, years ago now, but have not seen anything close to what you describe. I love where I live. I live in HOA and no littering, no loud music, no animals running loose in other's yards, no foul language, no bad a... kids causing trouble. Love where I live, did I say that already?

As a rule of thumb... - this is what I do...

[ In Reply To ..]
I always go straight to the parents and ask them, even if the kids say they can go somewhere or whatever the situation is. Number one, they are minors and if they are under my care I am responsible, and I want to make sure all parents are on the same page. I never ever take what any kid says and always go to the parents. Even if they say it's okay, I say let me speak with your mom or dad first.

That way all communication is clear and there are no mishaps.

If she has lied to you before - your first mistake was

[ In Reply To ..]
not double checking with her parents after that.

Agree with this. After the first time she lied to me sm - A mom

[ In Reply To ..]
or omitted something, etc., I would call the parents and see exactly what's up and this is what your daughter said is this right, etc. OR the next time you have plans, talk to the mother and tell her this is what you have going on and what is expected.

I don't think you the girls have to quit seeing each other; however, it is very apparent you cannot take what your daughter's friend says at face value, so for your own peace of mind, I would either call parents first before any kind of planned outing, or I would call them when their child is with you and make sure all parents are in agreement.

Here's the thing when I talked with her mother - MJM

[ In Reply To ..]
regarding this last situation, she said she gave her permission to her daughter and that her daughter had called her from the store. When the step-father got involved, the mother backed off saying she didn't know she was using the credit card. I have the text messages from the mother telling me she was sorry about her husband and that she gave permission.

But you're right, I should have double checked every little detail about every single move we made especially after the girl has misled me before. I feel like her mother has misled me as well as she gives her permission and then takes it away if the stepdad seems to get angry. I have never had this issue with any other parent, ever.

No matter what, NO ONE has the right to speak to me the way he spoke to me EVER! You will not scream at me and use foul language. It was disrespectful and downright threatening.

You have done nothing wrong. - Linda

[ In Reply To ..]
I don't think it is your responsibility to determine how the girl plans to pay for the dress. You had no way of knowing she lied about the "gift card" and did what anyone would do in paying for your daughter's dress. I think it is horrible that the mother let the daughter take the blame for this, not admitting that SHE gave permission. It sounds like she is very fearful of this husband and likely has good reason to fear him.

About the drugs and alcohol - do you have anything that should be reported to CPS?

Problem - What I would do

[ In Reply To ..]
You have put yourself "between a rock and a hard place" in this situation. First, sounds like the daughter of the people you mention is "fighting" for her place in their family, one way or another. Sad, but it's their problem, not yours. Secondly, I would put an end to the friendship YOUR daughter has with her. Only more bad things are going to happen to you otherwise. Explain to your daughter that such an environment is not healthy for her developing morals and righteous living being around 13 years of age.

What kind of family...... - My two cents

[ In Reply To ..]
I may be way off here but this sounds like a horrible home environment. I would be calling child protective services. Maybe the bio dad needs custody. I get that you want to be helpful but something is way off in that household. Where I live you can do it without leaving your name.

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