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Marriage opinions please

Posted: Oct 23, 2014

May I please vent and get a few opinions on this? My husband works with a lady who developed a crush on him. I would not call my husband "flirty" but he is one of those people who are extremely nice all of the time and I could see myself even getting the wrong idea and maybe thinking he was flirting with me if I didn't know him. So, the lady he works with apparently developed a crush (we have been married 18 years) and she knows a mutual friend of mine and spoke about my husband to this friend, who in turn told me. Well, I asked my husband about it and he said he didn't intend to give her that impression and he would stop talking to her. Well, then I saw this woman at a mutual friend's house and I just confronted her about it. She got out of line and was rude to me. She told me that he was her "friend" and I had no say in it whatsoever, I couldn't stop them from being friends. I told her I wasn't concerned about a friendship, but when she is telling a friend of mine that she is trying to get a man that she knows is married to go out with her, and that man is my husband, I have an issue. She and I had a few more words and that was that.

So, at work my husband did stop "personal" talking with her, but he has to talk to her regarding work things and she thinks he did this because I have an issue and it irritates me. I mean, I do have an issue, but I expect him to have an issue as well. My husband tells ME that she is trouble and he doesn't want anything to do with her, but he doesn't tell HER that. She is just under the assumption that I have him on restriction from talking to her or something and it hurts me that my husband will not set her straight. Hubby says it is because they work together and I get that. I am not asking him to curse at her or anything, I am just simply asking that he tell her that she disrespected me and she talked in ways that disrespected our marriage and that HE doesn't appreciate that either. I just honestly can't get over the hurt and I can't make my husband understand. His philosopy is that as long as he doesn't talk to her outside of work it should be fine, but my thing is I just want her to know that he doesn't want to talk to her, it's not something I am forcing on him, because behind closed doors, he makes it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to talk to her.

Do I make any sense whatsoever and does anyone have any advice or am I just crazy these days?

;

To frustrated. - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
You need to just let this go. Your husband is handling this appropriately, but you are actually a little immature, for lack of a better word. While I understand your territorial issues, and this woman was way out of line, you have already had your say. You have been married for 18 years for goodness sake. If you trust your husband, this issue should have been dropped when he stopped all personal contacts and conversations with this woman. So what if she blames you for that. Who cares. You seem to want him to be nasty to her, and tell her that it is not because of you, but because of her. You want him to personally insult her on YOUR behalf. That is going just a little too far. He does have to work with this woman, see her on a daily basis, and probably wants to keep the drama down in the workplace. Why does this not sit well with you? You are married to him. She knows that. I think more than enough has been said already. You had your say, but you can't put words in your husband's mouth and tell him how to handle this, for you. Be a lady about it. Let it go.

First of all, the above response is a load of of crap! - Be a Lady!?!? PUHLEEZ!

[ In Reply To ..]
You have every right to be angry and hurt! The only question you should ask yourself is why do you care if this woman thinks your a B****? This woman is the B**** for trying to get with a man she KNOWS is married. She admitted that to your mutual friend.

Yes, you told her off, but I would bet that won't dissuade her. She is one of those morally bankrupt people who have no respect for marriage, family, friendship, relationships of any kind. She will keep flirting with your husband every chance she gets. That much you can be sure about.

Your husband has done what most men do. He's made himself out to be this innocent nice guy whose married to a ball buster who won't let him talk to other women. Be angry with him, he deserves it! I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for him to set this lady straight about you. One of two things will happen if you keep pushing him - he will lie to you and tell you he set her straight when really he didn't or he will be honest with you and tell you he simply doesn't want to do it. So you have to decide do you trust him or don't you. If you do, great! Accept your hubby's response and be happy. If you don't - well then it's up to you what to do next.

Whatever you decide, I would definitely not let this chick off the hook EVER! Every single time I saw her or had to interact with her, I would make her as uncomfortable as humanly possible. No one likes to be publically humilated, make sure she knows you're more than willing to air her dirty laundry. And don't let anyone tell you by airing her dirty laundry your airing yours. Your laundry is spotless sista!

Good luck!

yes, she should be a lady - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
She should make it clear that she will not be reduced to the very sleeze she is dealing with. She needs to come off as a well-mannered lady who is very confident in her relationship with her husband. Anything more would indicate that she does not trust him. Does she? If so, enough said. If not, then we cannot help her here.

Her problem is not the kind of person she is dealing with. If she trusts her husband, she has no problem, but should portray herself in a better light, as if she is above this.

agree - who is the problem?

[ In Reply To ..]
The type of woman this is really isn't the problem. Those people are everywhere. OP is disappointed that hubby did not tell this woman off, insult her, tell her HE did not want anything to do with her, instead of making it look like his wife is the reason he can't talk to her. I understand that part to a point.

Worrying about this, fighting with him about it, or even threatening to "air this woman's dirty laundry" is not going to solve anything. Actually, the simple fact that she let this woman know she knew what she was up to was good enough. I would not reduce myself to her level either. She says they are "just friends," but she knows the Mrs. knows what's up. She has exposed this woman as a sleeze bag. She should not make herself one.

You've forgotten legalities here....sm - acuteMLS

[ In Reply To ..]
and namely, it's possible if provoked this woman could claim sexual harassment at the workplace even if the husband did nothing. Even with no proof, the husband would become office gossip fodder at minimum and lose his job maximum.

Don't poke the sleeping giant. OP needs to let it be.

I understand - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I would probably feel the same way. We all have egos, and we want that public validation from a spouse.

Maybe your husband has had trouble coming up with a way to convey his exact feelings to this woman without offending her. He sounds like a considerate person, but he can still be clear without being hurtful. "I appreciate our good working relationship. As a married man, however, I'm not going to engage in anything beyond a professional relationship with any woman because it's (fill in the blank-wrong, disrespectful, etc.)"

I'm sure if he thinks about it, he can perfectly express his thoughts and still be kind. Her reaction to what he says is up to her, not him. I don't know if she is a superior, subordinate, or same-level coworker, but if she persists, her actions could be construed as sexual harassment, and she might be setting herself up for trouble with management.

I would never have spoken to her the way you did - Comfortably numb

[ In Reply To ..]
Once you raised the issue with your husband, the matter should have been dropped. Ideally, he should have said something to her like, "I'd like to keep our conversations at work about work. Now, how's the new project going?" If he didn't communicate this adequately, he may have problems ditching his "nice guy" manner. If he didn't -want- to communicate this to her adequately or try very hard, you may have another problem. I would never have confronted her in the manner you did. If I absolutely could not have kept my mouth shut, you could have said something like, "Hi whatever-her-name-is. I heard you and whatever-husband's-name-is have been working pretty hard lately"--just to let her know you and husband communicate about EVERYTHING. Or even better you could have said,"I hear you're maybe ready for some romance these days. How about insert-some-single-guy's-name here." All that happened was you put her on guard to be more sneaky about whatever designs she had/has on your husband and you came off looking like some crazy shrew so that everyone is shaking their heads and thinking, poor guy, what would it be like to have a wife like that??

I'm with the poster who said you should drop it (on the surface) and keep your eyes, ears, and Spidey-sense near the surface to see what happens.

Last I checked we are living in the 21st century and woman - Not June Cleaver

[ In Reply To ..]
are allowed to be angry, have opinions, speak their mind... Where does this "paste on the polite smile and pretend everything is perfect" mentality come from?

I do not advocate pretending to make nice with the would-be slut trying to sleep with your man. WEAK! Let her know who she's dealing, whose marriage and family she's messing with. You don't have be in her face and threatening to make your point. As my momma used to say, there's more than one way to skin a dead cat. There are many, MANY unseen ways to make someone aware of your presence and make them sorry they ever even thought about taking anything that belonged to you.

In my marriage, my husband either respects me and our marriage or he can get to steppin'.

No one implied anything in your post. - see message

[ In Reply To ..]
She has already let the woman know how she feels. No one said she shouldn't. She did. No one said she should "make nice" with her. Certainly not.

Point is, if she trusts hubby, she has no problem. She just should not come off as an angry, insecure, jealous wife if she does not need to.

Comfortably numb in her post above told the OP - Not June Cleaver

[ In Reply To ..]
she should have said to this woman "hi, I hear you and my husband have been working hard." Comfortably numb also said she would have never addressed the other woman in the manner the OP did.

Nothing implied, she basically says the OP should not have comfronted this woman. My rebuttal stands. Why shouldn't a wife be angry?

I don't see where the OP is insecure or jealous. Her husband works with a woman who has been flirting with him and has told another mutual friend that she is trying to get this married guy to ask her out. ANGER is an appropriate response to the situation at hand. Confronting her husband and this woman seems an appropriate response.

OP don't listen to these simpering fools. According to them, you should put on your pearls, bake a cake, and invite the tramp over for some coffee and a friendly conversation.

Simpering fools? Well, the Jerry Springer mentality is not for everyone either - no message would do any good

[ In Reply To ..]
s

Breathe deeply - Very deeply

[ In Reply To ..]
It sounds like you are a major Drama Queen who enjoys being the center of attention--lots of yelling, scenes, confrontation, and from your own post ANGER. Comfortably Numb's post reflected the fact that some people choose to deal with situations in a more low-key way either by virtue of their personality or not wanting to expose their own insecurities or trying to resolve a situation with common sense and maturity. The OP didn't find her husband in bed with this woman--she just didn't like this woman telling her that OP couldn't stop her friendship--which was probably more in this woman's own mind--with OP's husband. OP wanted husband to come down harder on this woman. He either does or he doesn't. You seem ready for a throw-down no matter what the situation. Good luck to the people in your life.

Advice. SM - buzz

[ In Reply To ..]
Unless your husband has a "track record" of these type of situations in your 18 years of marriage, you need to let this go and stop being hurt. You could wind up killing off a good 18-year marriage because he is not telling the person exactly what you want him to tell her.

He stopped talking to her about anything other than work related subjects, you spoke your mind to her, and that should be enough provided this type of situation has not happened in the past. Anything more and you put your marriage at risk.

I think your husband listened to your concerns-sm - anon

[ In Reply To ..]
He has listened to your concerns, acknowledged that the lady is trouble and is minimizing interaction with her. He did not blow you off and say it is nothing, etc. The woman in question will likely come to whatever conclusions she wants and that likely would not change if your husband told her what you wish.

Your husband is the one that has to determine the mechanics of his work relationships and is the one in that environment. Either trust him to handle it in the way he sees fit or have him begin looking for a different work environment.

My DH and I just celebrated our 18th anniversary in September. If there is one thing I am beginning to learn and trying to accept (not always very well) is that my DH will rarely if ever understand my viewpoint the way I wish he would or to the degree I wish. It just is never gonna happen. As long as he respects my wishes (within reason of course), we can find a way to move on.

MARRIAGE PROBLEM? - CINDY

[ In Reply To ..]
First of all, now that your husband knows that what this lady is doing, I am sure he is probably staying far as he can away from her. The only reason he wouldn't is if he wanted to get together with her, and I believe he probably doesn't from what you have said about him. Do they work in an office, store, etc. There are many people around him so I am sure he and her are not having an affair at work.

Married for 30 years and been there and done that. The only thing that was going on was that I was a little jealous of suspecting things, but that's all, nothing every happened, except for my imagination running away with me. Hopefully that's all with you also. Trust your husband. Just imagine if the roles were reversed. Would you want to tell the guy that liked you at work the same thing you want your husband to tell her.

I understand - sm

[ In Reply To ..]
I understand exactly where you are coming from. If you have confronted her, not only does she know what you said, she obviously knows your husband knows what she said and it appeared that you had the problem with it and he did not. So, in her eyes, perhaps she could think maybe your husband would want her, if you weren't in the way. I think I would feel that way as well.

I have been married for 20 years myself and I know that with men they can tend to think if everything is quiet, no reason to talk about it. They sometimes really don't even know how to talk about something, honestly. If it were my husband and it just meant that much to me, I would maybe coach him along and give him a "sample speech" that he could say to her, such as: "Hey _____, I know my wife already spoke to you about the incident with you talking to ____, but I just wanted to let you know as well that I don't appreciate that either and in the future would you please not say things to people that disrespect my marriage. I would like for us to maintain a positive working relationship and if you do or say things to disrespect my marriage, that just won't be possible". If you break it down for him and actually give him something to say, he may understand more that you aren't asking him to carry on a grade school bashing with this lady, but just more or less letting him know that the two of you are on the same team and are of the same opinion.

Anyway, that is what I would do and I hope this helps. Good Luck, and Ughhh, I can't stand those trashy disrespectful women, lol.

It doesn't matter whether she thinks it's you or him who's sm - annony

[ In Reply To ..]
behind him limiting conversation to work subjects. The point is, it's implemented.

Do you think him saying she disrespected you makes a difference? Of course not, she's trying to get a married man so she has no morals whatsoever--she can't possibly understand respect.

As long as he is keeping minimal contact and only for work reasons leave it. If he becomes secretive you do need to snoop---many a man who was contemplating an affair has said the other woman is ugly, a terrible person, dangerous, etc. and then you find he's been with her.

Men are from Mars, Women from Venus. (sm) - opinion

[ In Reply To ..]
Men just think differently than we do. I think it's that simple. He doesn't want any unpleasantness. I can see mine doing the same thing. He wouldn't want to cause any kind of a fuss at work. I would want him to tell her just what you said, but he probably won't do it and he thinks the situation is taken care of. Men.

Oh, and P.S. I admire you for confronting her. I - don't think I would have.

[ In Reply To ..]
nm

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